Weeding the Garden

My day didn't start out so great yesterday. I was feeling cranky at my husband for not inviting me out X-country skiing, even though I was feeling hesitant to go. You see, I've never tried it, and I felt that he was underestimating my ability to keep up with him. I wasn't being very nice to him when he got back, and he asked me what was wrong. While I was explaining, he started smiling at me. I said "Why are you smiling?" He said "I can tell you're starting to feel better".

The moral of the story is to tell people how you're feeling right when you're feeling it. I call it weeding the garden. Even though what I was feeling was kind of minor, it felt so much better once I'd voiced my thoughts. I think those little thoughts and issues can accumulate (like compact snow) and cause much larger issues down the road. Once you weed the garden, there is that much more room for the flowers to grow!

Later in the day yesterday, once the kids were napping, my husband and sista went to run a few errands. I used that time to practice yoga. I also went for a walk with my sis. It felt so good to do those small things for myself. Tonight I am going on a date with my man! There was a time when I truly believed that I didn't have any time or energy for my own self, let alone time or energy to spare for my poor guy. A couple of hours alone together is going to be so nice. I can't wait!

Take Care

As mothers, we feed, bathe, clothe, love, and worry for our children. We'll do anything to make them happy - as long as it doesn't cause them to grow up as spoiled, inconsiderate, selfish people. We don't do the nice things for ourselves that we need to survive.

My doctor, when I told him I felt anxious, had a talk with me. He said that my kids were using me up. Did that make me feel guilty? Of course it did, but it was true. I am allowed to rest, damnit! And so are you.

Last night WC, my sista and I celebrated the Winter Solstice. It was amazing. One exercise we did was to say something positive about ourselves - something about our physical appearance, and something about ourselves. I have a totally wacky sense of humour. I think I am hilarious, even if not many other people do! I also love my arms. I can feel every muscle in my arms, they are so incredibly strong.

It's your turn! Take this silent opportunity to say something nice about YOU now. And give yourself a pat on the back, just for being. Consider it your Christmas present :o)

I Don't Have to be Perfect?

I don't know why, but I just couldn't sleep any longer this morning. I woke up at 6AM and couldn't get back to sleep! It's probably better this way ... I am having a bit of alone time, which is unexpected and really really nice!

Solstice happens this evening ... technically tomorrow morning I guess. Perhaps the uneasiness I've been feeling is the shift of seasons. Or perhaps I am allowing myself to get anxious about Yule. It shouldn't be like this - this truly is my favourite time of the year. And this year I am especially excited because both my sisters, and my parents will be here! There is snow on the ground, and we're supposed to get more ... and my children are so excited. I should be too, but I'm not. I admit it, I am not excited.

I am feeling some pressure to make the perfect dinner, and that everyone will love their gifts, and that my kids won't get too wound up.

It will be good enough if we eat a meal together as a family.
It will be good enough if everyone is smiling.
It will be good enough if I live in the moment and enjoy the day!

Wow ... just saying it here relieves so much pressure for me. My mom has told me in the past: You don't have to be perfect, Nicole. I denied it to myself that I was aiming for perfection, but I'm realizing that she is right, I try way too hard to make things perfect. My new mantra "It is good enough". It is good enough.

The Secret

My sister and I watched The Secret the other night. I remember when it was so popular, I felt no urge to read the book at all. But these things become important and necessary only when we are truly ready for them. I look back and realize I have used the Secret before in my life. These are the times when my life was happy, carefree and easy. I funneled positive energy into everything I was doing, and I didn't think about the awful things that could happen. I felt confident all the time, and I am ready to be confident again.

One thing that makes so much sense to me is that our emotions are our guides ... negative emotions make us feel bad, and that is our higher self telling us that what we are feeling is not conducive to happiness. The Law of Attraction. Like brings like. I believe in this. I am now focusing on all the good and happy things in my life, and I am ready to accept all the abundance the universe has to offer. No longer will I allow negativity into my life. Every morning, I run over all the things I am grateful for. I am grateful for:

• My beautiful children, and the fact that I won't have to worry about them. They are smart, loving people who will do well in life.
• My loving, caring, handsome husband.
• My sister.
• My sister.
• My parents.
• The beautiful home I live in.
• The fact that my whole family will be here for yule!
• and I am grateful for myself - the magnificient person I am. I am grateful for all the things I will do in my life, and all the things I have done.

I am ready to ask the Universe for all my desires. I am grateful to feel positive about every aspect of my life.

Sister!

My sister is staying with me right now, and we are having the best time together. Our relationship, like any other, waxes and wanes. But right now, we are completely in synch with each other. I had a vision of baby bear tracks in the sand on the beach. Loraine had a dream that a baby bear was standing next to my family. I hadn't told her about my vision. I've got to look into what that could mean.

I'm grateful that we're getting this time together. It's been so long, and I've missed her so much. We are both going through a challenging time right now, and we've been able to offer insight into each others' thoughts and feelings. It's so nice to be able to say "I'm feeling anxious right now", and for her to simply ask why. She suggested that every time I have a negative thought, perhaps I should think about something that is wonderful in my life. I think this brain training could really help me move forward...

Solstice Preparations

Now that the full moon has passed, I am beginning to feel another shift. The energy around me is changing. Solstice is approaching quickly now, and I'm going to start my serious preparations for Yule.

What do I want to bring into my life now? What kind of mindset am I going to need to have for my upcoming challenges? (Seen & unseen). I will be starting a support group for postpartum depression & anxiety at the end of January. I am so nervous! I will need to draw some major strength for that. I am anticipating that it will be personally challenging for me to offer help, while I am still experiencing anxiety. But I am up to the challenge!

I don't know what else is going to come to me in the new year, but I want to go into it with strength, love and tenacity. My wish for you is the same as for myself. May you have strength, courage and love in the upcoming year. Love Nicole

Soul Maintenance

It took me an entire week to get used to my life again. My anxiety piled back on me almost immediately, and I have to say, it was kind of scary. But over the course of the week, I realized that the peace and serenity I found on the Queen Charlotte Islands is always there for me. It is up to me to make the choice to be in that place. And I know, like any relationship, there is a certain amount of attention I have to give to myself. I am remembering to take that 5 minutes for myself, whenever I get the chance. I will read a magazine, bake something delicious, or just lie on the floor and clear my thoughts away. My best days are when I can get up before the kids, like today. A nice cup of tea to warm my soul ... goes a long long way in my world!

I had the most amazing time at my sister's wedding. She lives on the Queen Charlotte Islands, and I'll tell you, I've never been to such an amazing place. I've never felt so connected to nature. I was able to escape the wedding bustle to take a long walk on the beach. I was watching a massive wave beginning it's crest, then descent to the shore. It was so beautiful I wept. I felt like I was in a walking meditation the entire week. My mind was calm, and I was so content. Six months ago I thought I would never feel normal again, I thought I would never feel at peace. I am so grateful.

Mentally preparing for a long long journey ...

I am feeling pretty nervous about leaving husband & the kids for a week. I am trying not to think about it. But my girl is feeling sick today, and I leave the day after tomorrow! But husband can handle it. Honestly, it would probably be easier for him if she were feeling under the weather! Whatever happens here while I'm gone will be under control.

Maybe I am too much in control. Am I feeling nervous because I have to let go a little? I am feeling sick in my stomach just writing this, so that's probably exactly what it is.

This is going to be good for me. A long trip all by myself. Then I get to help make a wedding cake!!! It is a dream of mine to work in a bakery. So I get to live it out a little. And my younger sister is getting married! It's such a wonderful thing. I really like her fiance too. He is just perfect for her. All in all, I'm expecting to have a great trip! I think I'm looking forward to the 12 hour train ride the most though. What a unique (and cheap) way to travel! I'm also looking forward to spending a little time on the beach. I love the ocean.

On to the Next Thing ...

The craft fair went well this weekend. My mom and I had lots of time to talk and enjoy each others' company. And we had so much fun! We learned a lot for next year too ... I think next year will be very successful for us. I was approached to do cookie platters between Dec 12 - 24 ... but I'm not sure if I'll have time.

Because I am onto my next thing. My younger sister's wedding - and leaving the kids alone for a week with Daddy! We are both feeling nervous about that, but I know that it will all work out just fine. It's just that I'll miss them so much.

I have to say I am looking forward to having a bunch of time to myself though. A 12 hour train ride ... I might even have time to read an entire book!!! And maybe I'll get to meditate. I need this time to myself.

I can't believe my little sister is getting married. Her guy is lucky to have her, and she is lucky to have him. They truly balance each other out, and sometimes you need someone who is your complete opposite to do that. They were meant for each other.

I have been really quite busy since Halloween! My mom & I are preparing for a craft fair this weekend, and I'm sooo excited about it! We have wanted to enter a craft fair for the past four years, but haven't, due to circumstances beyond our control. I have been baking like a crazy woman, and I have to say - I am loving the busyness of it. In January I will be starting a support group for Moms. It is so desparately needed here. There is so much I want to do. There is this big person that I've always wanted to be, and now I'm just doing it. It is scary, but I'm doing it. I think that my year of anxiety really put things into perspective. It awoke something in me. And now all I have to do is ensure it doesn't fall asleep again!!!

New Beginnings

The Halloween ritual went very well. I made a commitment to let go of certain emotions and patterns that are holding me back. I wish to let go of fear, anxiety, doubt, and judgement.

I am ready to welcome so many good things into my life. I am going to be much more aware of my inner dialogue, that running commentary. I think I have become so accustomed to it, that I've not questioned my thoughts enough. Especially with judging others. It is so easy to be on the outside looking in to someone's world and someone's problems. It is a coward's path, and I'm trying to change direction. I am ready.

I am ready to freefall. I am ready to welcome in new opportunities and new life. (Don't get me wrong about the new life - No more babies for me!)

When will you take a chance?

Worth It.

I am the hillside next to an expanding highway. I am raped of citizen trees. I am the bare, raw earth begging for survival. But upon my scarred flesh newness will thrive. I will survive, and I will grow.

I reached a milestone today. I realized that I am no longer in the center of the black pit of post partum anxiety. I look back and I can see that I've come a long long way. I used to get angry, frustrated and anxious so easily, but now I can relax and be myself and play with my kids. I feel better than I did. There was a time when I thought I would never feel better. I do feel better. I don't feel perfect, and I don't think I ever will. I know I'll probably encounter many more struggles in my life, but now I know that life is a process. I am here to learn.

I want to give my whole story, but there simply isn't room for it here. My advice to women struggling to deal with depression or anxiety is this:

FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

YOU ARE NOT EVER ALONE.

ASK FOR HELP.

GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR WHAT YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED.

Mothers are saints. We give so much of ourselves, and don't often receive the gratitude we deserve, or the recognition we desire.

So here is to the newness of life. Every day is a new beginning with new possibilities. I'm happy to have turned a page in my personal book of life. And I can't wait to see what's on the next page.

@%#*$*%!!!

I feel a little off balance today. I suppose that's what a toddler birthday party can do to a person. But I think it's more than that. I'm taking on a lot this winter, including going on a week long trip for my sister's wedding. And I'm leaving my kids and husband at home. I am so terrified of doing this, but I absolutely must go to my sister's wedding. And the trip is just too long for the children; it wouldn't be fair.

It will be best to take it one day at a time. I'm just concerned about maintaining a connectedness while all of this is happening. I will really have to make an effort to take time out for myself.

I went to the most beautiful harp concert the other night. I felt as though I was transported back in time... the most beautiful music I have ever heard.

I truly do love this time of year ... especially Winter Solstice. But Halloween comes first. Can't wait for that ...

Just for today, do not Judge

I have been feeling pretty good lately. But since I started feeling better, it seems as though a few people around me have been acting wierd. I feel like people are trying to put me in my place, back where I was. But I'm not going backward anymore, sorry. I am trying to move forward, trying to enjoy my life, as it is. I admit, I may have overstepped some boundaries, but I am allowed to make mistakes. And I am equally entitled to recover from those mistakes, even if those around me don't want to forgive.

It is okay to forgive. It is okay to be forgiven. There is no shame in making mistakes. There is no shame in saying the wrong thing if you can explain yourself later. Did I explain myself well?

Perhaps now that I am feeling better I'm trying to put a shine on things. Trying to "fix" people without permission. Not saying that I am perfect. I'll never be perfect, there is always something to worry about. I do worry about stepping on peoples' toes. But if I'm starting a support group, I'd better learn how to listen to people, and to accept them for who they are. I need to chase my judgemental behavior away.

My mantra for the next few weeks: Just For Today Do Not Judge

Know Your Opposites

What am I thankful for? The harvesting is done, the year is nearly over, and it is time to become an introvert and to reflect on what this past year has brought to me. I find myself reflecting on my hardships immediately when I think about the past year. Problems with anxiety mainly, trouble sleeping, some frustrations and a realization of my growing impatience with my world.

In the past few months, I've been able to slowly change my perspective and I'm feeling so much better! The anxiety lingers, here and there. It never truly goes away, but I know this is partly due to regaining my body's strength after having two babies so close together. Hormones are confusing ... I'm making peace with myself in our decision to stop making babies. My heart cries out for more, but I'm quite certain my mind could not handle it. I enjoy where we are at. I love getting on the floor with the kids, playing, interacting, engaging in the true stuff of life - laughter, joy, love. ALL of my hardships were worth it, for these moments are the best I've had in my life.

I am thankful for my hardships, for you cannot know one thing without knowing it's opposite.

Crying

Today my daughter reminded me of something important. She started crying, about some silly thing, and she would not stop. It was so hard for me to hear her wailing, and I just wanted her to s t o p, so I said "Please stop crying!" She told me that she didn't want to stop crying, and when I asked her why, she said "Because I feel like crying". So she sat on my lap for ten minutes crying and wailing. When she was finished we read books together, and then she had some ice cream with her brother.

It brought back memories of my own childhood, and you know, I did exactly the same thing! I remember how good it felt to just cry and cry and cry. And how fantastic I felt afterward. I thought there was some point where this whole charade just stopped, but there wasn't! I just got better at concealing my feelings. I still cry, but only now and then.

When I was getting her ready for bed, I asked her if she felt better than before. She said "I feel so much better after my big cry. I feel happy!" I am so amazed by her.

Doing the Best I Can

I'm not doing all that great lately. BUT I have been plugging away at the things that help me to feel balanced. I still meditate for at least five minutes each day. It doesn't sound like a lot, but it is. I think too much. A common ailment for so many women, so many people, everywhere.

Being in this town for three years, you would think I would feel comfortable now. You would think I would feel at home. But this past week, I have been sincerely missing my home town. I miss the familiarity. I miss bumping into people I know at the grocery store. I miss the ocean too. And the mountains, and the wise old trees. I miss the rivers there. The rivers here are not the same. They are flat and smooth, reflecting too much. I prefer the boisterousness of the water launching off of the massive rocks.

Last, but not least, I miss my extended family. The loud, honest laugh of my Auntie H. The happiness in my Grandma's face when we were all together, especially at Christmas. The joy I shared with my cousin A watching our kids together. We were so smug, we thought it would last forever!

But I suppose my destiny was meant to be more challenging. I find I am challenging myself lately. I have had this image of myself for so long, things I thought I was ... and I'm beginning to realize I'm not living up to my own expectations. I want to talk about my spirituality openly and honestly, with no fear of standing up for what I believe in. And I want to be someone who really listens to what people are really saying. I want to help people in whatever way that I can, so long as I don't sacrifice mine or my family's needs. I'm doing the best that I can, starting today.

What the Full Moon promises, the New Moon delivers

What the Full Moon promises the New Moon delivers.

This means that plans will soon be realized! I love trying to live in sync with nature. I am becoming much more forgiving towards myself and others.

I'm starting to gear up for Halloween! Witch's New Year baby. I am ready to welcome the darker part of the year; to go into the deeper parts of myself and come out of it with knowledge. And, of course, to prepare for Winter Solstice - To welcome the light again!

Life is exciting every day, because every day is a new beginning. Give yourself a new beginning.

I am who I am

I really feel that there are some exciting things just over the horizon for me. I turned 30 recently, and I had an epiphany. For ten years now, I've been yearning to be this person ... living a spiritual life, putting myself out there and letting people know exactly what I am about inside. I am now taking action. Why not BE that person? Why not NOW? I don't have to wait for anything. And I am not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid of what people will think, but I'm not out to "prove" anything either. I simply am who I am.

YOU can be who you are too.

The Voice I'm Looking For

Often when I am feeling weakness, I read books in order to gain strength and a new perspective on issues I am facing. While reading helps me to become inspired, it does not bring me into contact with the voice I am looking for.

The best way for me to find strength is to look for it within my own self. And when I touch upon that great voice, it is the voice of a woman, and not one of a man. It is a voice of love, compassion and nurture. I can tell you all about it, but the only way for you to truly know it, is to experience it for yourself. To get to that place, do something that keeps you immediately in the present, directly in the NOW. You are responsible for yourself.

Making Time

It's only been a couple of days, but I am feeling energized. I have been more mindful of getting that meditation time in. I feel like I am contemplating while meditating. I find I'm able to sit for about 5 - 10 minutes, which is a long time! I do a few yoga stretches first so I'll be comfortable sitting. I sit cross legged with a blanket on my legs, and I close my eyes. I try to let my thoughts escape from my mind, I try to let them go. I'm thinking about waking up before the kids do, and using that time to meditate, to contemplate.

I am starting to feel better. I'm trying to listen to myself, but sometimes I wonder if I'll recognize my own voice ... Would you recognize yours?

I am.

I am a healer. We all are. I genuinely want to help people to help themselves.

I did a ritual last night with White Chocolate and Unc. I am ready to be my spiritual self, wherever I am and whomever I'm with. I want to put my real self out there so that when someone needs help, they know they can come to me.

But to be completely honest, I'm having a bit of trouble connecting lately, and I'm wondering if there is an energy blockage somewhere. It is common to feel this way when you overcome a hurdle through spiritual healing. I am going to meditate for five minutes a day to start. And hopefully that will make a difference.

What if I could live every moment of my life in perfect clarity? What if I could be mindful in everything I do? What if I could be the person I've always wanted to be?

But imperfection exists to allow us to recognize perfection when we see it.

What is perfection to you?

Perfection to me is that crystal clear moment of silence. When my thoughts are temporarily absent and I can hear the heartbeat of the universe. When I realize the illusion.

Work to Live, Don't Live to Work

Yesterday I took the morning off! Got a haircut, tried on clothes and bought some makeup for myself! It is a luxury for me to be able to have a little bit of time to myself. But it is not just a luxury for me, a stay-at-home Mom, it is a luxury for most of us.

I think we all need time to connect to our inner selves. Being relaxed is absolutely key to getting to that place within, and we all deserve to be there. So the next time you hear yourself saying "I just don't have the time for that", turn it around, break the cycle and indulge yourself.

Fall Equinox

The Fall Equinox is approaching. It takes place this year on September 22nd, but I will be celebrating early. The night before the Full Moon. This will be our harvest ritual, and I am excited to celebrate the great Summer we had, and to prepare for the oncoming Winter.

I feel the urge to sit and watch the aspen leaves twittering on their branches ... the last twitters before they undergo the change and fall to the ground. I feel the need to braid the long pieces of grass that bravely grew where they weren't supposed to. There are hundreds of mushrooms growing now, and I feel that the fairies probably dance there at night. I ask my toddler not to step on them. Then again, if she feels the urge to do so, maybe there is something I'm not hearing. Something only a child could hear.

The end of the year approaches too, and I am excited to celebrate halloween. I feel so much more connected when I celebrate the Sabbats. I have always noticed that I behave certain ways at certain times throughout the year. This year, I am planning on harnessing my energy when it is up (like it is now) and drawing on that power when it is needed (in February).

Make it mean something!

I feel a change in energy lately. I feel a shift coming on and I feel it is time to renew our priorities, as a species.

It's time to stop ignoring the person walking towards you on the sidewalk. Say hello instead!

It's time to really say thank you when a stranger helps you out.

It's time to breathe new life deep into your belly, and to exhale all the junk you've been keeping there.

All these things sound trivial written here. Acting out your kindess makes them mean something.

Post Partum Depression (PPD)

Anxiety is something we are hearing a lot more about as of late. In three of the magazines I subscribe to, I have read articles pertaining to this "silent epidemic". In these same magazines, I've read the author advising sufferers that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help. But CBT is not the only option.

I have personally suffered from anxiety since I had my first child three years ago, but only recently realized it. Now, thinking back, I was pushing away those feelings, pretending it wasn't happening. My anxiety worsened to the point that I had much difficulty getting to sleep every night. It was only when I acknowledged my feelings, and admitted that I was feeling anxious, that I started to make progress. It was around this time that White Chocolate and I began exchanging healing treatments.

I completed the Post Partum Depression (PPD) questionnaires with my doctor, and was thankfully found not to have PPD. However, my scores must have been near-borderline because he advised me to start taking time for myself. A few hours in the morning, without kids, to go and do things that make me feel like myself. Thankfully, I have a very understanding husband, who accomodated my need to have time alone. My first outing was just a trip to the coffee shop - one hour, one indulgent coffee, and one fashion mag (read front to back with NO interruptions).

We all need time alone, to think and relax, and to generate our own thoughts and insights into who we are. And if you do feel anxiety, or pain, or fear - Acknowledge It. Don't let it be silently covering you up.

The Spirit Within

There's something about Autumn that is so renewing to me. Winter will be on his way soon, and we must prepare. I have so much energy, so many ideas right now, and so many plans, that I'm not sure if I'll fit it all in. And I always feel like the ideas could slip out of my mind just as quickly as I received them.

But I have one idea, a recurring idea, which somehow, someday will need to be implemented. That is the idea of bringing many people of different religions and spiritualities together. We would discuss what spirituality means to us, personally. What does it feel like when you are completely connected? How do you get to that place? Feel free to give me your ideas.

Grasshopper Symbology

There was a grasshopper on the outside of my kitchen window for 24 hours! So I thought I'd look up the symbology of that:

Grasshopper- Grasshoppers can only jump forward....not backward, or sideways. So, when grasshopper shows up he could be reaffirming to you that you are taking the right steps to move forward in your current situation. Or it could be that he is telling you to go ahead and move forward. Get past what's hindering you. This is why grasshopper is the symbol of good luck all over the world. Grasshopper's ability to connect and understand sound vibrations is why he is also a symbol of your inner voice. he could be telling you to trust yours.

http://www.geocities.com/amythclass/insect.html

Change is Good

What would happen if every single being on this planet stopped looking outside themselves for the answers?

What would happen if teenagers graduating from high school looked inside their own souls to "find themselves"?

What would it be like if no one cared about what other people thought of them?

It would be beautiful.

YOU are a good person

We are all good people. I am. You are. We all are. We are all good people when we are listening to our true inner selves. Let go of your past. Let go of any guilt or shame, and forgive yourself. This is freedom!

I am making a conscious decision to be good today, and you can too. Let your inner spirit guide you.

The wind blows through my hair, and I feel free.

Signs and Symbols - Do you have to be knocked over the head with it?

It is so important to pay attention to signs and symbols. For nearly three years now, I've been seeing eagles, and more recently hawks, on a very frequent basis. I know that birds of prey are revered creatures, symbolising strength and protection. But it took me until just the other day to actually search for the answer, and to actually say "What are you trying to tell me?". Maybe I was not ready to hear the answer until now: http://www.eaglespiritministry.com/works/ese.htm

Eagle represents a state of grace that is reached through inner work, understanding and passing the initiation tests that result from reclaiming our personal power. It is the patience to wait for the appropriate moment. It is to live in balance with heaven and earth. Eagle asks us to grant ourselves permission to be free in order to reach the joy that our heart desires.

I am encroaching on a big birthday (a lady never tells, so don't ask!) and I really feel I am entering into a new phase of my life. We all are.

Changing my perception

I would love to dedicate some time to getting back in shape, after having two babies, but it's hard to do it sometimes. I am actually really lucky because I've lost all of the baby weight, plus some more. But I don't feel that physical strength.

So yesterday afternoon, I was reading my Chatelaine mag, and I got on the floor and did the ab exercises! Yay me!!! What an accomplishment. And my abs are sore, deep in my core, so I know it was worth it! Maybe I'll do the exercises again tomorrow, when I'm not feeling so sore ...

But in the book I'm reading, it brought a very important issue to my attention. I often say things like "I'll have more energy once I have time to work out" or "I'll start training for a run next year, and that will make me feel really good about myself".

Why should I wait to feel good? And why do I need to do these things to feel good? I don't. Once I changed my perception about that, I amazingly started to feel really good! Try it, maybe it will work for you too!

Back on track

The days have been going by so quickly. We are trying to enjoy the last days of summer totally and completely. We've had a busy week, and I haven't had a lot of alone time, so maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit frazzled lately. My alone time is really important to me.

We have more company coming in two days, so I need to set some time aside to mentally prepare for it. It's always an adjustment when visitors stay awhile. It takes time to adjust to the change in energy. Thankfully, our company is staying a week, so it shouldn't be a visit where tons of fun has to be packed into two days! That is always hard on me...

My new challenge is to treat each person I encounter as a part of myself. I am surprised at how much better I treat people when I change my perception like that. It is amazing what you can do when you change your perception, just a little.

However, lately I am feeling very angry when people don't come clean with exactly what they are thinking, or what they are going to do. Yesterday I had a reflexology appointment at the spa. There was no one at the front desk when I arrived, so I went right upstairs (they usually have another receptionist up there). I waited ten minutes and no one arrived, so I went back to the front desk. The short story here is that the practitioner shortened my treatment by 15 minutes! But she didn't explain it or anything. It wasn't my fault no one was there to greet me! It was totally unprofessional. I was going to call the manager to complain tomorrow, but perhaps I should speak to the practitioner herself. That would be the right thing to do. That is what I should do. I will do that. Even though it's scary to confront people ...

It is in you

The very thing we all seek is already within us, but we are so afraid to confront ourselves. We are so afraid that we'll see something we don't like. But I promise you, if you look at your true self, you won't be disappointed.

We are all good people. We are all good souls. And we are all going to heaven, in whichever way we imagine it to be.

Spirituality is that quiet, peaceful center within you. Religion cannot define it. We all have the same place in our souls. BE WHO YOU ARE AND NOTHING LESS.

Goddess Chant

I have begun preparing myself for an upcoming ritual White Chocolate and I have planned. Here is a beautiful chant I found at http://www.witchscauldron.net/cauldron/chants.htm#goddess


We will never
Never lose our way to the well
And the memory
Of the power
Of her living flame
It will rise
It will rise again

Getting her sass back

Well everyone in my house is healthy again. Thank god. My daughter got her sass back ... had to put her on the naughty spot about five times today! Naughty naughty naughty.

It has been a rainy day. I totally indulged myself when the kiddies went down for a nap. I made sticky buns today and enjoyed two of them with a cup of tea, on the couch, with my feet up. Talk about living in the moment! It was fantastic.

I'm feeling pretty good today, but I can't get my sister's engagement out of my mind! I am so excited for her. She was such an angel during my wedding preparations, I am really looking forward to returning the favour! I just can't wait! And I won't really have to - she's getting married in November! Yay!

Love is in the Air

I just found out today that my younger sister is getting married! I am so excited for her. She deserves her happiness. I am feeling the love this week .... my wedding anniversary is coming up ... my sis is getting married ... I watched "You've Got Mail" tonight. It's all so lovely :o)

Peaceful Mornings

I am enjoying a nice, peaceful cup of coffee, alone, before the kids wake up. It is such a nice way to start the day .... aaaaahhhhh. Besides, I'd better get my energy up if I want to be on my game for today. I hope my daughter is feeling better.

Yesterday afternoon I laid a blanket on the grass in the shade. I did a beautiful meditation. It was windy, but warm. Everything started to sound very clear. I listened for my fountain, and it felt as though I were inside that sound. I listened to the wind blowing the leaves on the trees, and it was the only thing that existed to me at the time. I was healing myself, but it occured to me, in that space, I was healing the entire world. Everybody.

Meditation is clearing your mind of all conscious thought. Just allow yourself to exist, to just be. I find that acknowledging my body is a good way to start. What I mean by that is to focus on your feet, and allow them to relax, then your legs, and so on, all the way up to your brain. Then close your eyes and look at the darkness, focusing on what is happening in your brain. If a thought comes in, mentally brush it to the side. You could even visualize grabbing a broom and sweeping - whatever works. Once you do this enough, your brain will remember that now is a time for no-thought. Breathe into the nothingness. Feel all that beautiful energy of Potential.

Blessed be - Nicole

My daughter unfortunately got the flu I had.

Seeing my little girl so helpless, so sick, so needy ... it really puts life into perspective. All I want is for her to feel good. That is all I want for all of us - All of the human race even.

Now she is sleeping off her sickness. I am holding up amazingly well, considering my husband is sick as well, and my little boy has a huge molar coming through. I am looking after everyone! Man, I am SO glad I got sick several days ahead of them.

At the moment they are all asleep, and I am having some quiet time. Going to go and re-energize in the sunshine.

On the upside!

I am feeling really good today! My husband and I are really connecting these days, and that feels great. I am so lucky.

I am feeling really calm and more aware. My mantra has been "Live in the Moment". I know, it's such a cliche. I'm trying not to have huge expectations of myself, or of anyone. I want to enjoy my children now, so I don't regret anything later. I don't believe in regrets.

My life is a book that has not yet been written. There is no past, no future, only now. Only this singular moment in time. I am writing, and that's it. I hear my daughter upstairs, resisting her nap - how cute is that? The boy is soundly sleeping. And I am off to work my sista's biz!

Peak

I believe my anxiety may have reached it's peak over the weekend. I was visiting my mom and other extended family, and we had a great time the first day. But that evening I became quite ill. I was lying in bed, trying to get to sleep, and I felt so much anxiety.

I was trying to quell it with my new technique: "What's wrong?" ... "What if one of the kids wakes up?" ... "You go to them and get them back to sleep. It wouldn't be the first time." .... "But what if my grandma or one of my aunts thinks I'm not doing it right?" ... "They aren't the ones who have to deal with it. You know all this."

Usually this inner dialogue is extremely effective. Now, I don't know if what happened next was anxiety-related, or if I ate something bad or what. I was freezing cold, and the two tiny lights on the TV were driving me nuts. So I went upstairs to sleep on the couch. I was still cold, and starting to feel quite nauseous, but fell asleep after a time. I woke up to have my third bowel movement of the night and ended up throwing up in the bathtub. Awful awful, blech.

My Uncle does energy work, and thankfully he dropped by the following day. I felt him pulling some major grief and ache from my heart chakra, and I felt the weakness in my stomache slowly being sent down through my legs and out. I didn't feel 100% but I felt a lot better after the healing.

Do I need to set out a plan of action, or can I finally move on now? What are my intentions for today? I really want to move on. I am moving on. Now that I have a technique for dealing with these feelings - acknowledging them rather than pushing them away - can I just be the happy, fun and outgoing person that I AM? I sure hope so.

I am a fun, easy-going, happy, well-adjusted person! Everything in my life is going really well. My kids are happy & healthy. I have a fantastic, loving and caring husband. I am healthy & happy. AND I am going to be 30! I'd better get going to plan my party :o)

Working through it

The anxiety returns. I have been ignoring the feeling, pushing it away. But that hasn't been working, and I still feel anxious a lot of the time. So I am acknowledging it. I am sitting in it and trying to work through it and deal with it. Sometimes you have to feel worse before you can feel better, and I am not feeling that great right now. I don't want to pretend that I'm not feeling this way though. That hasn't worked for me in the past, and it will not work for me now.

I did a meditation this afternoon, and I felt myself moving into the anxiousness, and it is lingering. It is uncomfortable and I want out. However, I can't help but think that there is a message in the midst of all this chaos. So I am trying to sit in this feeling and I am waiting for ... something. This too shall soon pass, right? Man, someone tell me I'm right.

Take time to center yourself

"Take time to centre yourself". This was the heart card that White Chocolate pulled for me upon reading this blog. So it is just after lunch and I have centered myself 3 times already today! I didn't realize how quickly stress builds up in me! I think it could be the whining that really puts me over the edge ...

Anyhow, thought I should note, JO has informed me she would really prefer to be referred to as White Chocolate. So I am honouring her request, and that is her name now.

I am so excited - I get to see my Grandma in two days! I haven't seen her in over a year. Up until two years ago, I saw her about once every two months. I love spending time with elders. Can't wait to see her. Neither can my daughter!

Oh, I also heard from my very cool friend, I'll call her Twin Soul here. I don't hear from her too often, because she always has something going on. Her life is all-consuming. She seems to be experiencing as much as she possibly can in this life, and I find that incredibly inspiring. Twin Soul always has enough time and energy for me, and everyone else. (If you can pin her down, that is!) I may get to see her in the Fall, and I can't wait.

Living between visible and invisible worlds

My daughter is not listening to me lately. Sometimes I don't listen to myself either, so perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on her. She's been getting time on the naughty spot nearly every day for not listening, pulling the cat's tail, kicking her brother, etc. I guess that's probably normal 2 1/2 year old stuff.

As for me, I am trying to remain level headed, and trying to live on the borderline of the visible and invisible worlds. It is not always so easy. Today, I was walking with my daughter up the street, and I was fully in the moment. Feeling the hardness of the road beneath my feet, listening to the birds in the distance, feeling the air on my face, and hlding my sweet daughter's hand. It was really nice. Then later we were walking to a friend's house and she didn't want to hold my hand, she kept walking into the middle of the road, not listening when I was trying to get us to safely cross the street. Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh. I try to be patient, but it's really not easy sometimes. Becoming a mom is becoming a saint.

I am a warrior woman though. I will be stubborn and keep trying to balance these visible and invisible worlds.

Pure Joy

A lot of the time when I am watching my kids, I am taken back to my own chilhood. Today, my girl was on the swing, leaning her head aaallll the way back .... her hair almost touching the ground. I remember that feeling of pure joy. I remember being so present in that moment. The way each hair on my head was tingling, the feeling of the weight of my hair, and the satisfaction I felt when my hair finally touched the ground, gently brushing it.

Sometimes I feel like I should really have two blogs for the two largest aspects of my life: Spirituality and "real" life. But that wouldn't be right, because my big goal here is to enmesh these two aspects of my life. I ultimately want to be in touch spiritually all the time, not just those moments when I have time.

I want to get in touch with my life's purpose. I've always known that I have a very specific purpose in life, and that when this purpose is realized, that I will know it without a doubt in my mind. So I try to trust my intuition, but honestly, sometimes I'm so distracted when I'm out and about with my two babes!! But they are becoming more independant every day. I know, because so many people have said it, that this time goes by in an instant.

Tomorrow my friend is coming over to watch a girlie movie with me!!! Can you tell I don't get out much? But we will get to have a good talk too, with no distractions :o) And that is HUGE!

Today we woke up and it was raining, which was unfortunate because we wanted to go to the park! I was talking to my parents this morning and told them our plight and my mom said "Well, you're not made of sugar dear". So I took the kids to the park in the rain and we had a great time! We are all feeling much better today than yesterday.

Last night I practiced some yoga and tried to relax and meditate. I am not feeling the anxiety like I normally do. Which is so great, because I hate that feeling. I'm ready to let that go now, and I don't accept this anxiety as my truth anymore. Saying that makes me feel so free.

It's funny how certain events all take place at the right time. My Uncle was here last weekend for a visit and gave me a beautiful piece of amber. In one of my books, this is what it says about Amber: A powerful healer and cleanser that draws dis-ease from the body. A powerful protector, it links the everyday self to the higher spiritual reality. It brings balance and patience and encourages decision-making, being a useful memory aid. Emotionally, Amber encourages peacefulness and trust.

During my meditation last night I heard the phrase "Trust the process", a message that came through during a healing several months ago with my friend JO. So I am trying to trust the process here ... My goal: To be the same person with others as I am when I'm alone. To try to live a spiritual and conscientious life at all times. To be aware.

No Peace today ...

So I just about lost it with my little girl today. We are in the throes of the terrible two's, and she's learning how to push my buttons. Grrrrr.... We've been "off the wagon" with potty training for several months now, because she was getting extremely obsessed with the reward factor. So much so that she was trying to "go" even when she didn't physically need to. Then she was holding it in for some strange reason. So today she took off all her clothes, including her diaper. During lunch she had to pee, and went pee in the potty- hurray! Right?

Wrong. I let her use special soap to wash her hands, and she immediately tried to pee on the potty, again, in order to use the special soap. Of course she couldn't pee, and she started getting all wierd on me. She was wailing while sitting on the potty, looking at me as though I could fix it. She started throwing a HUGE fit, a tantrum you could say. Honestly, sometimes I just don't know what to do. Thank god my husband is home today. She wouldn't calm down, so he suggested she have a time out - just to get her feelings in check. Well, she started freaking out even more. I didn't know that such a little girl could be so freaking loud.

Got her up to her bedroom, cause by this time she had earned herself an early nap time. I was trying to get her dressed and she was literally screaming in my face. Of course, being the weak human I am, I started yelling at her. That was the wrong thing to do, because then she started screaming that blood-curdling, bimbo horror-movie scream. She is SO lucky (and I am too) that my husband came into the room and said "Nicole, this is becoming a bad situation for you, I'll take over". I have the best husband in the world.

I am almost done beating myself up, and am now onto the stage where I'm telling myself I'll do better next time. I will do better next time.

But why is it that when I get on a kick of doing really well (mentally, spiritually, emotionally) a situation like this comes back to bite me in the ass? It's like my brain is a computer being restarted and for a few moments it thinks it should be running the old program. Gotta get that glitch fixed.

Aaaahhh ... the kiddies are napping! Now I can tell you what I've been up to ... for myself.

My good friend and I both practice hands-on healing. She prefers to call it spiritual healing. I have my second level Reiki, but I feel like I have come a long way since I was trained, and I don't fully recognize what I'm doing as Reiki any longer. It's becoming much deeper ...

I have always felt that there is a chakra in the belly. While there is no chakra, apparently there is a large energy centre there. My good friend, I'll call her JO here., was speaking with another healer who mentioned that if you ground yourself, then open your crown chakra connecting to the universe ... try connecting your heart chakra and the energy centre just below your belly button. JO was told to see that energy centre as an emerald star. I tried this last night while lying on the couch. I fell into a meditative state very quickly - unusual since I have not meditated in months - I started to feel really good... Just like JO said that she did when she did this exercise.

I felt as though I were lying outside in the sun with my eyes closed. I recognize this feeling - I've felt it before. Like the afterglow of sex. I remember the first time I felt this too - NO not my first time having sex, pervert. :o)

I was 11 years old. I was at church, because we had to go when I was a kid. The minister was talking about letting Jesus into your heart - let him save you from your sins .... you get the point. I had heard this a billion times already, but that day I was listening, really listening. I opened my heart and asked "Jesus" to come into it. I felt my heart open up and I felt that beautiful warmth, that magnificient strength enter into it. Then I realized that something profound had just happened to me. The next thing I realized was that all the "sins", the "damnation", the "salvation" - those people had it all wrong. I knew that I didn't need to go to church to get to "heaven".

Shortly after, I told my mom I didn't want to go to church anymore. I know she was not happy about it... I never told her what happened until just a few years ago. My mom did the right thing exposing us to religion though. Being in a spiritual place gets you thinking. In all likelyhood, i probably would not have had that experience had I not gone to church as a child. I will not take my kids to church however, because that's not what I think spirituality is about. I won't go into a rant about organized religion ... if you're still reading this, I'm sure you have your own rants about organized religion.

Well, this got a lot longer than I expected it would today. I'll sign off here. I am going to try another short meditation, because it just feels good to be "plugged in". Bye!

Okay, so i'm a super cool mom. I took the kids to the water park today - hooray! They had so much fun. I love watching them having fun. That makes me happy. Now we're home, and my girl is pooping outside (in her diaper ... let's not talk about potty training) and my boy is playing peekaboo with me ... he's really trying to get my attention.

And so that's all for now.

This is my first post. I am thinking about being at one with the universe today.

It is easier said than done! I've only got about 2 hours per day to devote to this. And only that much time if I ignore the laundry and the dishes. Thank GOD my children nap together in the afternoon. Otherwise I might not be so sane.

I feel like I have so much going on right now. But I try not to be so hard on myself. My kids are so little, and so dependant upon me. They need me to be in a good state of mind to take care of them. So when they are awake I am 100% "theirs". When they are not, I am 100% "mine". I am trying to be the change I want to see in the world. And I'm trying to be the best mommy ever.