Saturday, May 22, 2010

Sound Healing

I was recently blessed to attend a workshop hosted by Danielea Castell. (She came all the way to Quesnel!) Her company name is One Conscious Voice – if you are interested in learning more, please check out her website:

I am not even sure where to begin in describing the experience I had in this workshop. I look back on it now, and in each moment I remember thinking “Well, this isn’t very significant” or “Shouldn’t I be feeling more?” … thoughts like these circulated in my mind throughout the course of the evening. At the end I went to thank Danielea, and I felt as though I were thanking her for something that was going to occur in the future. Something that has not manifested yet, but is slowly being put into action inside of me. She knew, without words to hug me, enveloping me with a sense of peace, love and understanding.

The sounds brought me together as one with both Mother Earth (Gaia) and Father Sky (Cosmos) … a beautiful meditation we were guided through. As I connected to Father Sky, it is almost as though I surrendered my voice, my spirit, my body to the Cosmos. My voice was no longer mine, but a buzzing droning sound … a sound that made me feel happy and sad, irritated and relaxed, elated and mournful ~ all at exactly the same time. I honestly did feel like the Divine Child … I really was taken to that place of naiveté, innocence and Oneness. Strangely enough, I felt no peace in this place, just a sense of movement, change, and growth. What has changed in me, I do not yet know. I feel as though I know so little, being exposed to something so vast …

Time is ripening the gifts that were exchanged, and the next morning I felt like I was finally coming down from the buzzing energy. Sound can change a person. Especially when you are the person making that sound, with intent and with passion.

Revelations were certainly had during the night, allowing me to weep, allowing me to let go of my earthly cares, allowing me to come back to the place of nothingness. Perhaps that is why I felt discomfort at times. Perhaps that is why I felt a loss at times. After feeling such a huge sense of connection, why do I feel so lost and confused now? Where does one go after facing the nothingness?

Friday, May 14, 2010

Creating Change

There is something I need to learn about stagnancy. It seems as though everyone and everything around me is moving, doing, taking action. I feel as though I am in the eye of the storm where all is calm and still, yet just outside of this tiny world I'm in, there is a perfect chaos taking over. A chaos understood, and even planned by our beautiful Universe.

People come in and out of my life, teaching me, embracing what I have to offer, and then some of them leave. Some of the people I've met since I moved here have been exceptional, phenomenal people. People who I grew to love and accept wholly into my life as dear dear friends. Friendships that will last the rest of our lives. Please don't misunderstand ~ I am not complaining, or feeling sorry for myself. I am just trying to embrace the situation that is consistently being presented to me in this place.

Quesnel is an interesting place. What I've noticed is that the people who move here are confronted by what they first perceive as a wall ~ a wall of judgement and ... almost .... persecution. It is a stigma that is often laid upon small towns that is sometimes deserved, and sometimes not. Quesnel is not what it appears to be on the surface. There are many many people here searching for something so much bigger. Inevitably there are always comments about how in a town like this, we can't expect to have a worldly frame of mind, because anything "different" will get you stoned or cast out. As outsiders, we perpetuate that story, allowing it to partially dictate what we do, what we say and how we act while living here. The best thing that a person can do is to be themselves, speak freely, and offer their knowledge and previous experiences to the collective. Everything changes, we all change, we all move in, move on, move up, and move out. When you not only embrace change, but make change, you are truly servicing your community.

Next month marks our fourth year living in Quesnel, and it is amazing to me how much this place has challenged and changed me. What I have come to realize in the past year is that Quesnel, and perhaps any place, is truly a blank canvas. I can have access to anything I want here ... but it is up to me to publicly announce what I would like to see ... and at times I have been the one to add something new to the community. I have had to step out of my personal comfort zone, roll up my sleeves and start a Mom to Mom Support Group. I have told strangers about my postpartum anxiety. My friend and I have put on workshops about spirituality ~ this was something that pushed me immediately outside of my comfort zone. But those workshops represented something larger than us ... I see now that more and more energy is building for spirituality, creative expression, yoga, sound healing and more. It is amazing to see the changes that are taking place, and I am honoured to witness them.

One of the rewards of living in a small town is that you have the opportunity to help build a foundation that gives a place its' character. For me personally, I am working on making peace with the stagnancy that I am being challenged with. I sometimes feel as though I am firmly rooted here, with no thoughts to leave, and if I can embrace my groundedness, I can be a very strong support for others. Perhaps I am a bridge for many people, a connection, a safe passage through a challenging situation. And that is something I believe I can enjoy offering to those kindred spirits who weave in and out of my life.

With Gratitude, Nicole

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Sibling Relationships - Part Two: Breakdown

On the afternoon of my last post, something happened to change my perspective drastically on my sibling relationships. Out of respect, I won't get into too many details about what transpired. But I will say that one of my sisters made a decision that I didn't agree with. I felt offended, hurt, betrayed that she could make this decision, even though in the big picture, it shouldn't affect me. I have always been overprotective of my sisters, probably since day one, and I have felt a responsibility to watch out for them. But I realized that I am not responsible for these women! My happiness is not dependant on theirs, and sooner or later I will have to let go of that.

I have begun that process already. Now that I am becoming aware of the deep energetic connection I have with her, I am realizing how much I am attached to her. So, several times a day, I find myself "cutting" that energetic cord, releasing my responsibility and allowing her to make her own choices. Without my judgements, which can be harsh and a little too honest, at times. So often in our relationship, I've wanted her to approve me, to accept and love me. Even if it involved betraying my true self. Perhaps that is why I found it appropriate for me to judge her, and to hold an idea in my mind of who she should be. When that isn't who she truly is.

Our families, no doubt, are the blank canvas with which we begin our lives. But we don't have to remain stagnant in anothers' perception of us, and our siblings do not need to either. Our definitions of each other must change, and we need to allow the opportunities in order for that to happen. Holding on to anger, hurt and disappointment only makes it harder to live a life independent of judgement. I am slowly learning this ... and I am not finding it all that easy. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I know that peace is waiting there for me. And my siblings, if they choose it.