Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Here's to Change

I've been thinking a lot about a scary word lately - Change. The word in itself scares me because of what it could imply ... the unknown. When I think of change, I wonder how I'll adapt because I've become so used to the way things are. Will I let anyone down? Will I let myself down?

I've also been thinking a lot about Guilt lately. My big guilts are usually based in whether or not I'll meet my loved ones' expectations, and it is just the idea of letting someone down that really gets to me. I would like to let go of this drama from my life, and that is the challenge I am consciously facing now. I just returned from a family reunion where I noticed some interesting patterns. Every family has discussions of behaviour they noticed while visiting, and most families hold these discussions behind closed doors. That person will not be aware of what was said, they will only feel that focus upon them. It is an unfortunate pattern that could be corrected, slowly over time, if a handful of us could resist the flow of a river like that. I am going to try.

I felt an energy that Saturday night at the campfire, while all of us gathered in a huge circle around it. I felt my elders, long since gone, enjoying the energy we raised while singing old cowboy songs. I could feel a message there, but couldn't quite grasp it until now. The message was to move on, enjoy life, enjoy each other and to focus on the joys of life. There is truly no time to suffer in silence. A family is there to support you in your suffering, and more importantly still be there when you reach the other side of that suffering. My family is made up of remarkable people, and I am one of them. I want to tell my family how remarkable they are to me.

Here's to Change.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A Friend of Mine

A close friend of mine came to visit recently. She reminds me so much of my younger self, because that’s when I met her. She has known me from my lowest points all the way to my highest points. She is a vault for some of my deepest secrets, and that is why I will always cherish her as one of my very best and closest friends. She is the kind of person who always knows what to say, even in challenging moments, and she always speaks with honesty. I am so lucky to have a friend like that.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Recovering from Spiritual Breaks

I've been spiritually lazy the past few weeks, living my life in a bit of an uncomfortable silence. I am fully aware of my state now, and I'm ready to take on my next challenge. For me, it has become important to take a rest between the lessons of life, in order to recharge and become ready for the next thing.

I've found that it helps me during these lulls to take it easy on myself. There is no one pushing me to have all the answers, except my own demanding self. I like to take long baths, garden in my backyard, do some physical exercise or just lay on the couch. I try to remind myself that I don't have to be this connected person all of the time. Sometimes it feels great to just Be.

One obstacle I seem to face in these downtimes is a struggle to get back to where I once was, spiritually. I know that I cannot truly get back to that place, as my perspective is completely different after reflecting on life lessons. Whatever the reason, it always takes some time to get into the loving space of the universe. In the meantime, I'll take my coffee with cream and sugar ... and I'd like to drink it in the bath!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Home Free

It has been so long since I last posted, and I usually prefer to wait for inspiration before I do write, however I am going to speak from my heart today.

My youngest child turned two years old last week, and I am feeling a deep and silent inner peace. They say it takes a woman's body two years to balance out and become "normal" again after having a child. Well, I have made it to this point, and I am relieved. I made it! I thought that once I reached this "safe point" I would turn around and look at the war field behind me, reflecting on how strong I was, but I just feel safe. I feel as though I have been wrapped up in the all encompassing arms of the universe - the ultimate hug.

I just want to sit and soak in the delicious and satisfying feeling of peace. Namaste!