Yandara Yoga Review ~ Part Three

Ganesha, Remover of Obstacles

To me, Yandara's program set me up to gain the confidence, self-worth and connection I needed in order to truly become a yoga teacher.  I now feel qualified, and not just because I have a certificate in my hand, but because they guided me through the process of accepting myself.  I know that everyone in my group probably had a different experience, but this was mine.

As we went into the first week, we were advised that we would be going through the layers of ourselves.  We would focus on the chakras one by one, again going through layers.  We had Satya or Truth Circles every other day, where we went through our emotional layers.  Everything we did in that first week ~ Asana class, meditation, pranayama, qi gong, even sitting down to eat breakfast in silence ~ focused on working our way through our beliefs, fears and judgements.  It certainly wasn't always easy working my way through all the things I have built up in my mind.  But it sure was liberating to feel that I made some great gains towards a freedom I haven't experienced since before I had kids.  Our instructors had obviously gone through this experience, and it showed through the ways that they each supported us.  They also seemed to know the process well enough to predict when one of us might need additional support, and had the wisdom to offer that support in a gentle, loving way. 

I personally experienced several shifts in my awareness, and there is one experience in particular that I'd like to share ...

We were working on the solar plexus chakra quite a lot, through being asked to dance alone in the middle of a circle of nearly 30 people, to quietly meditating in that space, to being asked to accept ourselves for who we truly are.  The solar plexus chakra is all about self-worth, self-acceptance, personal power, and our sense of belonging.  It is also the area where I was holding anxiety.  It happened during asana class.  We had just gone through a standing/twisting series, and when I came up to standing I felt really dizzy.  I just stood there with it for a moment, but the feeling seemed to linger ... everything around me slowed right down, but seemed shaky and unreal at the same time.  Then I felt a vibration coming from deep within my solar plexus, and it went right through the chakra ~ I could actually feel it!  It came out of me like a shockwave, and I literally saw ripples cascading out of my energetic body and into the physical scene in front of me.  It was an amazing feeling of breakthrough for me, as I had been trying to work through those issues of self-acceptance and self-worth for so long.  Perhaps my issue was that I never truly accepted myself for who and what I was during those difficult times just three short years ago.  When the experience was finished, I just continued with the asana class, and when that class was over I felt different.  I no longer felt myself holding tightly in the solar plexus ... I felt lighter in all ways, and calm and ... at peace.  When I started this blog I titled it "Woman At Peace" as a future hope ... a seed that I planted and nurtured and loved.  I know there will always be work that must be done, but I feel so much gratitude for this feeling.

During the time of all this deep personal work, I did cry a lot ... I would say several times a day. I wasn't sad, I was crying tears of gratitude, acceptance, and unconditional love. Just being in contact with these feelings is life changing. There was nourishment everywhere ... from the beautiful yogis who attended class beside me, offering a hug or a kind word or a smile. The cooks offering amazing food to nourish our hard working bodies ~ always fresh, delicious and vegetarian. The ocean, constant with sound and movement ~ a visit to her waves was always greeted with joy and a feeling of smallness and greatness at the same time. Yandara is truly a magical place.  I don't know if I will ever have to opportunity to go back to the Yandara in Mexico, but I do know that when I teach yoga, I feel Yandara all over again.

Whenever you begin to work on your issues, ingrained habits and behaviours, always finish with an intention, or a vision, of what you want your life to look like.  There is a real power in setting an intention ... they eventually always come to fruition.  When you stop and take notice of that fruition, you give yourself Faith.  Faith can heal the whole world.  Faith in people, Faith in yourself, Faith in God or the Universe, Goddess or Godd"Us" (as April of Jaya had said) Allah, Buddha, Mother Mary, or whomever you resonate with. 

Purpose

What if your only purpose on this earth was to spread love & joy?

What if you used every moment of your life to make this possible? I think for me to personally make this happen, I would need to always move from a state of love.

Yesterday I participated in the beginning of my transformative journey. I attended a Kundalini Yoga Light Shop at the Satya Yoga Studio in Williams Lake, BC. The light shop was led by Yogi Bhajan of Catalyst Yogi.

What I got out of HariBhajan's teachings were many ideas about living my life as my true spiritual self. I can hear my ego and my mind fighting against this shift, and I feel as though it may take some time to integrate the many things that I learned just yesterday. I truly believe that there is a shift happening in the world right now, and I would like to be a part of the light that can guide others into truth and happiness. We are all vehicles for the transformation that is happening right now. We all have a choice to live our lives with a sense of peace, brotherhood and love. You can choose to help others instead of helping only yourself, because in truth, that helpfulness is clearly recognized by the Universe. This infinite and vast place where anything is possible. There is nothing you cannot do!

As of today, I find myself needing to just slow down and pay attention to my inner dialogue, and to correct those thoughts that hinder me. Those inhibiting thoughts we all have ... those limits we place on ourselves .... "I could never run a marathon" ... "I am not ready to teach yoga" ..."I can't keep up with those other people" .. "I don't have enough money for the things I want" ... "I'm not thin enough to wear this or that" ... "I eat too many sweets" ...

Our minds DO create scenarios for us so that we become distracted from living our lives in peace. In order to remain relevant, our minds and egos are consistently creating reasons for us to spin our wheels and go nowhere. As long as we are caught up in some drama, we won't have time to focus on what is real and what is most important. We won't have time to spread joy & love to others because we will be spending that time on believing we aren't good enough to do it. I, for one, am not going to participate in this drama any longer. As of this moment, I am going to let go of fear and free myself to live my life in absolute truth. Yes, I deserve it, but you deserve it too.

What can you do in the next 24 hours to spread joy and love?

Earth Energy

With the season changing after a long, cold and sometimes brutal winter, my thoughts are turning to New Life. Now that I can finally see some grass in my yard, however brown it looks, I am beginning to fantasize about my garden. The excitement is building as we anticipate the little green shoots to start representing themselves. I planted about one hundred bulbs in my front garden - all naturalizing - and I can't wait to see how they multiply this year ... especially my darling daffodils, the sunny faces of Spring! There are, of course, other seeds that were planted last year as well. Seeds of thought, seeds of love, seeds of Intent. Those are the things that will grow as result of my thoughts and feelings during the colder months of the year. I have a great fondness for all four seasons, though you will catch me in the moment saying "Spring is my faaaavourite season", or Fall, or Winter, or Summer! It is because each season represents something that is happening deep in the earth, and also deep in our souls. We are inextricably connected to this earth and the waves of feeling that pass through it. When we connect to nature, we are connecting deeply to our own selves, and to all people who walk upon this earth as well. This common experience - walking upon the earth - is something that is easy to take for granted. It is your choice as to whether or not you acknowledge the gratitude of the earth for your presence. How do we honour the Earth in return? The answer is simple: We sit silently in reverence for it. We take the time to just Be in nature. There is something ancient and sacred about simply being quiet in and amongst the trees of a forest. There is something indisputably holy about sitting on top of a cliff or a hill overlooking a river, a forest, or the ocean. The peace that is there for you is immediate, and perfect. You can offer your energy and your blessings to the earth, and that is so worthy of your time. We all know that the earth is going through some vigorous change right now, and it seems to be in upheaval. It seems to be unbalanced. Is it possible that the earth is reflecting the state of mind of so many of us on this planet? Many many people are disconnected from the roots of survival - our land - and this is not something that can nourish us. It is interesting how a disaster can bring people together ... to mourn, to give attention to the planet, to bind ourselves to one another with true thoughts of peace, compassion and love. Perhaps this beautiful planet is crying out for this. Can we humans be proactive and start being more mindful and more deliberate with our actions? Honestly, I am not talking about recycling, green energy, hybrid vehicles, or anything else that perpetuates the myths of money in our society. I'm not trying to get you to "think green" or to feel guilty about the extra packaging on your favourite granola bars. My motivation is, and has always been, Energy. Sending out my love ~ Nicole

Finding One's Way

We all have a purpose on this earth. Maybe this is something that you've heard before, but never truly considered. What would it mean if you actually had specific things to accomplish, orchestrated right down to the minor details? What if there are things in your life that will keep coming up for you until you deal with them? You know the things I'm talking about - uncomfortable things, challenging things, seemingly impossible things. What if you were your only obstacle to obtaining a sense of true, lasting peace? What could this mean?

This has all been coming to light for me, personally, since I picked up "Sacred Contracts" by Carolyn Myss. I have always believed that I chose this life, the scenarios, the people, the challenges. I remember as a child reviewing the romantic relationships that I would have, being clear that the first love wouldn't be the only love, and knowing that there would be a truer love awaiting me. I also remember consciously choosing to forget my "contract" in order to fully live this human life.

This message of order was brought into clearer focus still when I attended a Women's Lodge with Dianne Tharp of Ayami International. We were asked to create a life's mission statement for ourselves. By focusing on what makes me ... me, it truly brought my whole philosophy about life into clearer focus. The things that I've always held as rules for myself are very important actions and lessons, and are a huge part of what I have to offer the world. My one governing rule is very simple, and was something I first learned from my mom: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." This is how Jesus worded it ... But when researching this very simple idea, I came across a beautiful plethora of quotes from all different religions:

Buddhism: "Hurt not others with that which pains yourself."

Judaism: "Thou shalt Love thy neighbor as thyself."

Hinduism: "One should always treat others as they themselves wish to be treated."

Zoroastrianism: "Whatever is disagreeable to yourself, do not do unto others."

Confucianism: "What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others."

Christianity: "Whatsoever ye would that others should do to you, do ye even so to them."

I certainly don't know what the rest of my life holds for me, but I do have a clearer focus on the direction I'd like to lead my life in. I want to be a person who helps others to feel positive, confident and peaceful. I want to live my life in a way that spreads joy and love to the world. Here is my personal life's mission statement:

I will be a confident role model and an inspiration to others. I will strive to connect others while enjoying the magic and the goodness of my connection to the Divine. "Harmonious Spontaneity".

All we can really do is to be more conscious in the way we decide to encounter our lives. Maybe that means taking the time to really consider our reactions to people, places and situations in our lives. Maybe that means setting an intention at the dawn of each day. These are all things that make life simpler, but perhaps this is the key to living a fulfilling life. All I know is that I am taking a vow today to be more mindful of my reactions. That is something I have control over.

Perspective

It has been a long time since I wrote an honest post about myself ... or at least it feels like it. During that time, I am certain that I have strayed further away from myself than perhaps ever before. But not without reason, of course. Being slightly outside of myself allowed me to check out my life objectively, and I am back to life with some new things to add.

For the first time since my eldest child was born, I have stopped wondering what I am going to do with my time once both children are in school. I feel that all the projects I've been a part of in the last few years have planted many seeds in many places. ~ Mom to Mom Support Group ~ Woman & Spirit Workshops ~ Baking By Design ~ So many opportunities yet to be presented that I can hardly wait to find out what they are. It is amazing. And the stress and the worry about having time on my hands has vanished. In all honesty, I can't wait to have some time on my hands. Time to devote to myself, to meditation, to running, to yoga, and eventually to some sort of paying work. At this point in time, I find myself wondering if I need to commit to anything at all? Who knows, maybe I will bake a few cakes one month, and do reflexology or energy work the next month. Maybe I will own a business, or maybe I will work for a corporation. Whatever happens, my number one priority will be to my children ~ being home for them when they get home from school. Having that time to connect with them before the rush of dinner and homework. There is the possibility that they would rather play with their friends, or watch television ... but I know I will get my time in with them.

For today, I am enjoying their littleness. They are great people with big personalities and contagious laughs, and they have so much they want to share with us. All my kids seem to want from me lately is my Time. And thankfully, that is something I can give to them wholeheartedly.

Working with the Goddess

Whether you are man or woman, we can all benefit from working with the Goddess ~ in any of her many forms. When you focus your gaze on the wise woman living within you, there is a connection there not found in other spiritual haunts. Connecting with Goddess is connecting to the womb ... Home ... the darkest places of the earth ... the furthest depths of your soul.

Whenever I have a question that requires the greatest truth and wisdom, I call upon the Mothers and Grandmothers, the keepers of the light, the Ones who went before. And they always have the answers to my most profound queries.

The chant above is one I use when I need to draw upon the well of woman's knowledge. It always takes me to the place I need to go. I always hear what I need to hear, even if it's something I don't want to hear. But connecting with Goddess will give you the strength to listen, follow through, and stay strong ~ through the most challenging of journeys.

Trust in her and she will offer you her strength. Blessed Be ~ Nicole

Reincarnating ~ Choosing Your Destiny

I felt guided and inspired to write about a controversial subject today. For the past little while, I have been deep in thought about reincarnation ~ something I strongly believe to be a truth. I believe that when we finish this life, we go to a place of resting until we are ready to take on a new life. I believe we choose the life that will help us to learn the lessons we need to learn. I believe that we make a conscious decision about many of the details that will mold us into the human version of our spirit selves: Parents, siblings and other carefully placed influential people. Living conditions, place of birth, and most especially our challenges. Some of those challenges may be outside influences that we have no way to control. Some might not have enough food to eat, fresh water, shelter, or clothing. A person might be abused, physically, sexually or emotionally.

It is important to honour every being's path and existence, no matter what it is, and that includes the thought that somebody may have chose to learn their lessons in a life changing way. It is not for you or I to say that someones existence is right or wrong, good or bad, just or unjust. A wise woman I met once said this while giving advice to another: "You should be thankful to this man for the lesson he taught you; You learned your lesson very well. You will not forget what he taught you, and you will not make that choice again."

While you can go through life with this belief that we all choose our experiences, it is not a reason or an excuse to turn the other cheek when you see something you do not agree with. It is important to listen to your inner guidance about who to help, and when. Does our compassion for others ebb and flow, as so many other things do in our lives? Some days it is very important to care for others, reach out with love, nurture the souls of others and to truly participate in the feminine side of life. On the other hand, it is also important to honour the times for turning in that nurture to our own souls, allowing the more masculine side to take over and allowing us to be concerned with only what is immediate.

Whatever we choose to believe is just that, a Choice. My question to you is: Where did your choices begin? Do you believe that some unknown force decides your entire destiny? Or do you believe that you chose what is happening in your life? Have you ever decided you wanted your life to be a certain way ~ and has it ever manifested?

If you could plan out your next life, what would you choose? How to approach a question like that .... How can you be better, today? What can you focus on to change into the person you long to be? Is there anything you can do to love your life, every moment of it? I would love to hear your thoughts on this post ... so please feel free to comment!

Meditation Ideas:

See the joy in the small things in your life. Every once in a while, sit down and observe what is happening in your own world. Watch the wind blowing through the trees, silently. Immerse yourself in your surroundings, notice things that you see every day, and honour them in reverence. Look at your hands and feel what they represent. Take deep breaths and relax your face ... just be in this moment. Choose to live mindfully, today.

Connecting with Trees

Tree Shadows - translated from Japanese

All hushed the trees are waiting
On tiptoe for the sight
Of moonrise shedding splendour
Across the dusk of night
Ah, now the moon is risen
And lo, without a sound
The trees all write their welcome
Far along the ground

I recently watched a documentary on KCTS explaining the history of the Appalachian mountain regions. It was titled "Appalachia: A History of Mountains and People". One of the things that I got from this beautiful story was the strong sense of connection the early settlers had to their surroundings. There was a respect for the land, including her mountains (there are hundreds of named mountaintops in this region, all with a story), trees (including one tree that was nearly put into extinction by an imported tree of the same name), rivers, streams and of course - the earth itself. These people understood that trees, especially, offered so much to them in terms of food, protection and more.

I love trees. I think we all do, because they offer a kinship. And a connection to the deepest parts of Earth, through roots that plunge into depths we couldn't reach on our own. When we lean on a tree, we can feel that connection very strongly. There is nothing quite so grounding as leaning on a tree, allowing that tree to support us, to remove negative energy, to drain away tension and anxiety and sadness. When I see large roots surfacing to the ground I walk on, I see it as a great gift. The roots of trees remind me of veins and arteries, carrying lifeblood from the light of day down into the depths of our beautiful planet. Where this energy can be cleansed, and where seeds can be sown for later, drawing strength over time, and gaining ancient knowledge to be used at exactly the right moment. There is no greater incubator for such things than our dark, moist and feminine earth.

I find it interesting that trees announce themselves each season as well, constantly reminding us of their importance to the nature of our world. They reflect our own nature as well ... leaves transforming before falling from the tree, preparing for winter. The dormant, introverted process of winter. The burst of energy and colour in the spring. The bold and boisterous, celebrating green of summer. It all reflects our humanity in some way.

And so, now and then, take the time to appreciate a tree. Sit at its' base, gaze lovingly at one, hug one, decorate one ... allow yourself to feel your roots extending into the center of the earth - grounding you, teaching you, understanding you. Draw on the ancient wisdom of the great tree ... one of our great teachers.

Transformation: Final Stage

I am slowly coming through a recent transformation, and it has been the longest concentrated process of change I have been through. There has been a consistent feeling of a very silent surface … with very much going on inside of me. I am relieved to have finally come to a life-changing realization. For some reason, it will be difficult for me to post on this blog, but in reality, it is only hard on my Ego.

Eleven years ago, I received my First Level Reiki certificate. This happened during another transformation, where I was coming out of a dangerous place in my mind; a time during which I had abused my mind, spirit and body. Reiki, and the community that came with it, cradled me through some difficult memories. I was twenty years old, with no direction, and no real idea about the big world around us. Really, I had little confidence in myself and my abilities. I thought that because spirituality was the only thing I understood fully, surely my career would follow this path. (What else could I be good at?) To be honest, I actually felt obligated to the art of Reiki to incorporate it into my life fully, in order to repay the Universe for the gifts I was given. Writing this now, I realize that there are no debts to the Universe, most certainly not for the gift of healing! I know now that my only obligation is to enjoy my life, sharing all the love that I can, and living mindfully.

So I started asking myself some questions: What is my passion? What do I love to do? The answer came to me so simply: I love to write and I love to bake. I saw a vision of myself in my own bakery, helping people, brightening their day with something sweet, sharing my love and my passion, giving a gift. There were other times that I tossed the idea of baking around, but I always had a million reasons why I wasn’t good enough to pursue it. I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out sooner! In my early twenties, I worked at an amazing bakery called The Wildflour Bakery in Sechelt, on the Sunshine Coast. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was soaking up the techniques like a sponge. I would watch the bakers making cakes, tarts, bars, cookies and bread ~ fascinated. I would ask questions, watch how their hands moved, notice what the bread dough looked like under their hands, or how firmly they were pressing shortbread into pans. Even when I moved back to Squamish, working at a financial planner’s office, there just happened to be a French pastry chef working across the street. I loved to go there, some weeks it was every day, to pick up something sweet. I remember longing to go into the kitchen to watch Alain perform his magic, but I never asked.

Baking has always been a passion. And now I am ready to pursue it fully … so I’ve opened a home-based business! I am already busy filling orders, and I have to say, I absolutely love it. I feel like I am doing exactly what I should be doing. Living my life.

The Dark Side of Change

When it comes to writing, I have a bad habit of only writing when I feel balanced. In this moment, I am going through a transformation … one that is feeling quite large and a bit unmanageable right now. I find that resisting the transformation was making it incredibly more difficult to deal with. I am now trying to allow the process to unfold without interfering. Some days I’m not sure if I can be strong enough to face the dark side of my spirituality – the side that shapeshifts, that turns everything I know out of me, changing my perceptions forever. How can I simply accept the fact that I am being changed forever, that everything that makes me who I am will be gone?

Well, perhaps not everything about me will change … but that is the hard part – not knowing what to expect.

For three years, I have been asking for freedom from anxiety, for direction in my life once the kids go to school, and for clarity of my life’s purpose. I’m beginning to think that my life’s purpose is just to live it, and that thought honestly makes me feel a little disappointed. Aren’t I meant to do something Big? Aren’t I meant to change peoples’ lives? Aren’t I meant to feel peace and harmony once I find this “life’s purpose”? For the most part of this period of discomfort I am going through, I have tossed my hands in the air asking, “What’s the point? What’s the point of being spiritual? What’s the point of trying so hard and I am seemingly getting Nowhere?”

The only one of my beliefs that seems to be sticking for me right now is one that my mother taught me when I was very young: The Golden Rule ~ Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be nice to people. Give them something of yourself – a smile, a hand on the shoulder, a laugh. That gentle consideration of others that is often lacking in our world, because of insecurity, fear, weakness.

What began this transformation was, of course, the Sound Healing workshop I attended a few weeks ago. After the workshop was over, I felt compelled to thank Danielea ~ I didn’t know what I was thanking her for, and I still don’t. After a few days, I think I realized that I was only at the beginning of something much larger, and the darkness set in pretty quickly. It was only a few days ago that I finally asked for guidance, ending my resistance to this change. I pulled one of the Mayan Oracle Cards and was blown away by what I chose. CAUAC - You are entering into a time of profound quickening and transformation . You have come to the edge of what you have known yourself to be. Cauac beckons you to step into a fire that changes every level of your being, even the underlying structures of your life. Step into the unknown - your metamorphosis has begun!

I am finding it incredibly challenging to write about this at a time where I have no resolution or reason for the emotions I’m feeling. But perhaps that is part of the process of change ... for me, there is no better way to own up to how I'm feeling than writing on this blog.

If anyone else has stories of transformation, I would love to hear them ... I am asking for guidance and help with all of this, because I feel incredibly overwhelmed right now.

In Gratitude ~ Nicole

Sibling Relationships - Part Two: Breakdown

On the afternoon of my last post, something happened to change my perspective drastically on my sibling relationships. Out of respect, I won't get into too many details about what transpired. But I will say that one of my sisters made a decision that I didn't agree with. I felt offended, hurt, betrayed that she could make this decision, even though in the big picture, it shouldn't affect me. I have always been overprotective of my sisters, probably since day one, and I have felt a responsibility to watch out for them. But I realized that I am not responsible for these women! My happiness is not dependant on theirs, and sooner or later I will have to let go of that.

I have begun that process already. Now that I am becoming aware of the deep energetic connection I have with her, I am realizing how much I am attached to her. So, several times a day, I find myself "cutting" that energetic cord, releasing my responsibility and allowing her to make her own choices. Without my judgements, which can be harsh and a little too honest, at times. So often in our relationship, I've wanted her to approve me, to accept and love me. Even if it involved betraying my true self. Perhaps that is why I found it appropriate for me to judge her, and to hold an idea in my mind of who she should be. When that isn't who she truly is.

Our families, no doubt, are the blank canvas with which we begin our lives. But we don't have to remain stagnant in anothers' perception of us, and our siblings do not need to either. Our definitions of each other must change, and we need to allow the opportunities in order for that to happen. Holding on to anger, hurt and disappointment only makes it harder to live a life independent of judgement. I am slowly learning this ... and I am not finding it all that easy. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I know that peace is waiting there for me. And my siblings, if they choose it.

Sibling Relationships

Sibling Relationships - Why are they so much different than most other relationships? I think they are different because you feel that because you were raised in the same household, and in essentially the same way, that your sibling somehow understands you. That they somehow know why you are the way you are, and that they feel the same way you do.

Sibling relationships seem to be, in childhood, a testing ground for social behavior. In the transition to adulthood, it is easy to remain in a state of competition with your siblings. There a point where some of us draw a line in the sand as to what we will put up with, and the result can sometimes cause a temporary rift in a relationship. Sometimes, if the competition or rivalry has been going on for quite some time, these temporary rifts can become long, deep-rooted silences.

In my personal experience, if you can somewhat detach yourself from the family dynamic you grew up with, you can pave the way for a healthier relationship to flourish. Throughout our formative years, we are slowly squeezed into a mold that we often allow to define us as we enter adulthood. This stereotype is dependant on our temperament, the personalities of other family members, as well as mutual experiences within our families. An example: The family goes to an adventure park - the oldest one is challenged by another family member to try bungee jumping, or the zip cord. The oldest one is used to being brave, and is frequently commended by other family members on this trait. The parents often boast to outsiders about this quality. In a way, the oldest child has no choice but to be the brave one, because that is what is expected of him.

When we can break free of these expectations and obligations, we open ourselves up to becoming friends with our brothers and sisters. This means letting go of previous judgements, grudges and negative experiences that involved our siblings. It also means forgiveness. I am lucky enough to have become friends with my two sisters, and I’d like to share some thoughts about them here. I hope I’m not crossing any boundaries by doing so.

My eldest sister is a very intuitive woman who has taught me, and continues to teach me, how to take care of myself. She takes care of herself, knowing when she needs alone time, journaling nearly every day, and constantly looking for new inspiration. These are important aspects of life that we women tend to forget about or push aside. She is independent with a strong will, and a free spirit. She can laugh and make me laugh like nobody else can. Her and I can get so silly together, making up characters, songs, crazy dances and the like. We usually end up laughing so hard that our bellies hurt. We connect deeply on a spiritual level, and both hold the belief that you create your own destiny – no one else is responsible.

My youngest sister is a nurturing, caring person with a big heart. She loves everything about food, and that is where we connect the most right now. She loves to cook, she loooves to eat, and she loves to try new things in the kitchen. She is incredibly passionate about food, and is willing to take chances when she cooks, which I admire about her. She loves to be near the ocean, fishing and being immersed in nature. She gives so much to her husband, and revels in his attention. And she is another silly sister! When the three of us get together ... it is probably unbearable for other people. But we love each other, and would do absolutely anything for each other.

I have a tendency to try to take care of both of my sisters, which has its’ downsides, as not many adults need to be taken care of. I know there is a stigma about my place in the family because I am the only daughter who has children. There are still beliefs in our society, that family life (married with kids) is the best life. I don’t necessarily believe that’s true. I am happy with my life, and I know this is where I am supposed to be. But I know my sisters are happy with their lives too. Their paths are unique and beautiful and ... their own.

Needy Black Cat

It's not often that I receive inspiration to write in the evenings, but tonight inspiration parked itself in front of me, asking for a response. I went out for a walk with a good friend, weaving through the downtown neighborhood. We stopped in front of a house to chat for a moment, and I heard a little meow ... I, of course, made a kissing-come-hither-kitty noise, and the cat came running. A beautiful black slithering leg rubbing thing, he decided to come on a walkabout with us. We walked and walked, and soon realized we should loop back and drop the kitty off where we found him ... we talked to a neighbor who didn't know who he could belong to. And so he followed us some more.

My friend kept saying that I was meant to bring him home, but I knew deep down that this was a test from the Universe. This week I took back my body, and have come full circle from surrendering to pregnancy and childbirth. I have given a lot of myself, physically, mentally and emotionally. We don't realize as we are embracing pregnancy and new-motherhood that we will be giving so much of ourselves over to sustain new life. We don't put a lot of thought into how things will affect us in the long run, and the impact of all that we say and do as those children grow. I realized, as this darling creature was following us, that he would probably be a trouble maker, and an attention fiend, and that he would most likely yowl through the night ~ I could see this neediness in him. What he really needed is someone who needs him back with just as much intensity. And so I kept walking, even when the lights of the downtown core brightened around us. And I kept walking, even when he stopped to sit on the sidewalk, knowing full well he shouldn't go any further. He called after me, asking "What do I do now? Where do I go? I'm hungry!" I kept walking because I knew that I could not provide the things for him that he ought to have. Even though it truly broke my heart.

Halfway down the next block, there were some people eating a late dinner on a bench. I heard the woman say "Could we go somewhere warmer to eat?", and it crossed my mind to mention the cat, but quickly disregarded it. I didn't say anything at all. My friend and I sent lots of love and light to the sweet, lonely, friendly, silky-smooth black kitty. He would surely find his place. We separated to our vehicles, and just as I started my van, my friend looped around with her window open to tell me that the cat was now with the people sitting on the bench. I feel that the cat is safe now, and has secured himself a home with someone who can devote the love, time, and attention that he will certainly require.

It is not up to me to feed the world, clothe the world, or comfort the world. Once upon a time I believed that I could survive on the love in my heart, but as I've matured, I have begun to realize that when you give too much of yourself you end up with less. When you learn to trust the Universe, and know that the Universe provides everything we need and ask for, you begin to develop the talent for channeling that energy. What I witnessed tonight is that I don't have to provide everything for everyone, and that I am not the only person who can provide solace to someone in need. We are always offered the people, circumstances and experiences that we need to grow. It is up to us to accept or decline.

Beginning of a Change

I was recently a part of something that I believe is the beginning of a change. My good friend and I recently facilitated a three-part workshop series titled "Woman & Spirit Series". When we first began planning for these events, I wasn't sure what to expect. But what transpired throughout the course of these three evenings was nothing short of miraculous. Let me tell you what I saw:

I saw a small sampling of women who are eager to soak up spiritual knowledge like sponges. Women who were brave, who overcame their inhibitions, and who, possibly unknowingly, behaved like warriors. These women surprised me with how open they became, and how willing they were to try something new. They closed their eyes and just listened - to themselves, to their own energy, to each other, and to that Divine presence ~ the one that is always there, and who speaks to us, even when we aren't listening.

One of the most beautiful moments throughout these workshops was when we chanted through our chakras, and we all joined as one, in voice and in spirit. It was an amazing feeling. Each woman present, in all the workshops, brought to us a unique energy: personal life experience, knowledge, a questioning nature, a gentle soul, a joyous presence, an inner strength, a loving heart, a quiet spirit, a wicked sense of humour, a knowing smile ... and so much more.

There is so much that I was able to witness, and so many moments that I am still reviewing in my mind ... I am sure I will be writing more about my observations in the future .... But for now, alas, I must return to the momentum of my day ... my son is awake from his nap, and is quite certain that he is ready to come out of his room ;o)

Until next time, love and light ~ Nicole

What a Haircut Can Do!

For several years, I have wanted to have short hair. There is something liberating, sexy and free about a woman having short hair. I finally did it, and I just feel phenomenal! It's funny how we can turn around and perceive ourselves so differently after something as innocent as a haircut. I have so much more energy and confidence, and I do feel sexy, free and liberated.

For women, the hair we wear is a vital and important part of how we feel everyday. Some of us use it as a security blanket, some of us use it to distract people, some of us are changing it all the time. Colouring, cutting, growing, shaping, styling, washing, conditioning. What a metaphor for the multi-tasked lives that we lead. And of course, the way we treat our hair has a direct connection to how we are feeling, and where the current circumstances of our lives are at.

When I was a teen, I grew it halfway down my back, and dyed it bleach blond. Two weeks after I graduated, I cut it all off and used KoolAid to dye my hair into a rainbow of colours. What was happening in my life at the time was my boyfriend was going off to University, I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, and I felt like I had no power or control over what would happen next. But I had power and control over the way that I looked ...

I believe that we are all part of the same whole, that all energy equals one energy, and that we are here to fully immerse ourselves in the lives we have chosen. It is hard to avoid the fact that we are so sensitive to the visual world around us. Part of this includes judging ourselves and others on their hairstyles, clothing, pets, cars, houses ... and anything else we can compare ourselves to. I can hear my conscience shouting out ~But we are not supposed to get distracted by these visual details, we are supposed to see the beauty in everything!~

We are all part of a larger whole, and I believe that all other people in some way reflect our own selves. Maybe that's why when you get a great haircut, or an outfit that makes you feel great, you feel as though you are reflecting your true inner self - an attractive, confident and joyful being. This may sound vain ... but I consider my new haircut a gift to others, because I feel amazing, and because of that I can freely give my love, attention, joy and energy to those who need to be reminded of these qualities in themselves.

Sensing the Energy of Another

It can be so easy to allow negative aspects of our world to get to us. There is a fine line between practicing loving-kindness and allowing people to walk all over you. Perhaps this is why so many people seem to throw up walls of defense all around themselves. The fear of being hurt by another human being, whether it is physical, mental, spiritual or energetic, this can truly paralyse the sensitive one. Even if one has managed to balance kindness while maintaining an energetic defense, hurt can sometimes come from an unexpected source. When you practice energy work, such as Reiki, Healing Touch or Spiritual Healing, you learn how sensitive humans truly are ...

If one can become aware of energy, to a point where one is feeling more than seeing, hearing or touching, how could this change the way we relate to one another? My Utopian vision is that we would become much more honest with each other - there would be no fooling around when you ask the question "How are you?". Lying would become a faded memory, and truth would be natural. We would be able to feel the shift in another person's energy when talking about something uncomfortable. We would sense the hesitation, the fear, the doubt, the despair, the sadness ... but we would also sense the joy, the abundance, the openness and ultimately the Greatness of life. All. The. Time. Could you imagine this world?

My Utopian vision isn't so far fetched, when you think about it. You could very easily make an effort ~today~ to tune in to the people you come in contact with. Be more sensitive to what they are saying with their whole selves. Use your own energy to uplift another person. A simple smile will do it ... hold the door for another ... give someone a compliment ... drive with more awareness ... be patient with the ones you love ... and most of all be good to your own self.

Within the smallest actions lie the greatest secrets to life.

Crystals

My wonderful mother in law gave me two beautiful quartz crystal pendants this year. I have long believed in the power and presence of crystals. I find they have the ability to change energy ... rose quartz brings much love and dispels negativity .... Amethyst calms anxiety and can help with psychic endeavors ... Citrine brings so much warmth, sunshine and light that it shines into the darkest places within us.

Recently, however, one of these aforementioned quartz crystals taught me something new. This particular stone has seven additional gems affixed to its' front, in a vertical line, to represent the chakras. I have heard that quartz has the ability to amplify the energy of its' wearer, as well as those surrounding. I learned this lesson directly from the quartz the other day ...

I was in the grocery store, and had accidentally abandoned my cart near the end of the aisle, while I wrangled my kids back from the other end. I hurried the children along, and as I was leaving the aisle I passed by a man who was waiting for me to move. He gave me the blank stare that people give when someone is slowing them down - you know the one. I gave a quick smile and moved along ... but from him I felt something sudden and unexpected. I felt a sharp pang of hatred and bitter anger, directly in my heart chakra. I pick up on peoples' energy all the time, we all do, but this felt much different. I felt what he was feeling. I got into the next aisle and stopped for a moment to recognize what had happened and to centre myself.

Liscious gave me many suggestions when I told her what had happened. She said to put white, protecting light around myself if I was going to wear it, and to meditate with the crystal to gain the lesson. She said to remember that my own energy will be amplified when I wear it. I took her advice and practiced all these things before leaving the house wearing the other crystal. This time I noticed peoples' reactions to my energy. Many people gave me the blank stare, but I didn't feel any negative energy this time - thank goodness.

There is so much I have to learn about energy, crystals, the aura and much much more. I hope that in 2010 I can begin incorporating my spiritual life more into my everyday life. I am ready to put myself out there, I am ready to truly let my light shine, and to encourage and enable others to do the same.

Opportunity Exists Everywhere

I have always lived my life in a way where things happen to me. Opportunities present themselves front and centre, and I take advantage of them. I don't have any diplomas or degrees, I don't have a particular pull into any one direction, and I often feel like a child who is asking "What do I want to be when I grow up?" In my heart, I know that I am always where I am supposed to be, but there is sometimes a nagging feeling that I should be pushing, striving for more.

During meditation this morning, the message was "Opportunity Exists Everywhere".

What does this mean exactly? When you read this phrase, how does it make you feel? Are you desensitized to this sort of spiritual language? Did you say "Yeah, yeah, okay, let's move on"? Did you read it and dismiss it? Do you know what it means to say "Opportunity Exists Everywhere"? It means that your life is an always open doorway to expanded consciousness. One of the problems with this phrase is that we humans have a tendency to search, to make sense of, to rationalize. This journeying way of being makes it quite difficult to choose a path definitively. Seeking out opportunity can feel like you are committing yourself to a particular path, without knowing exactly what will come of it. And will you be ruling out other options by choosing one way? A genuine leap of faith.

It is difficult to choose a path because we don't know if we will succeed or fail. But the beauty is that the lesson lies in the experience. It is easy to get caught up in the modern thoughts of our society. Progressive, results-based, looks good on paper: We approve of all these things. But someone who searches for more simple things, such as love, understanding, knowledge, peace, compassion, is often cast off as being unimportant. Why is it these important universal truths are dismissed by so many of us? Even the constant spiritualist can only live in the moment of these lessons for a short period before returning to the "real world", and nearly relinquishing their right to enjoy these moments. But these lessons are actually memories, and that is why they resonate so strongly for us. Before moving onto the next thing, try sitting in the feeling of love, understanding, knowledge, peace, compassion. Sit down and truly feel it, and in turn feel the opportunities that exist everywhere.

Embracing the In-Between

I can truly feel the air is changing now ... last night as I stood in my backyard, I looked up to the beautiful moon spreading her glow onto the earth. There were thin clouds slipping through the sky, veiling her though only serving to enhance her light. It spread like a halo all around her ... and it was coloured like a rainbow. I knew I was to "see" something ... and I started to truly focus on the splendid sight of the moon. It seemed as though the moon was beginning to vibrate and I knew I was about to see or feel something from her ... and that is when my puppy, Tetley, jumped up on me saying, "Hey! That's enough. I'm right here. Stay in the moment". I laughed at her bid for my attention, but I don't let things like that get away from me too quickly. The message I am getting is to just Wait.

You see, as of late, I have been feeling itchy. I am experiencing one of those in-between times: Last week, last month, my life was incredibly busy. I was not thinking about what would happen once Halloween was over, and our Halloween circle has been delayed for one week as we are each overwhelmed in obligation right now. I have been getting the message that not every moment can be certain. That these lulls can be a perfect breeding ground for insight and transformation. Perhaps I should be gathering my strength.

We are definitely on the cusp of Winter here in Cariboo Country, and I've learned from past years to get ready for it. This year I am ready for nesting, baking up a storm, crafting while the kids are asleep, getting ready for Solstice. Going into myself more ... but this year I'd like to offer more too. I want to give love of myself wholly, to my husband, my children, our cat and dog ... and of course my family and friends. Perhaps this lull in the action is what is most needed in order to get to the place that I'd like to be in.

Now is the time to embrace what we already have: a home, a family, a community. Simple things, but we all know they are the reason behind all that we do in these human lives. Whether that was our original intent, I'll not know this time around. But let's just enjoy it all! For now, while we build up our energy for the next phase ...

Come From a Place of Love

Dealing with a new puppy, on top of my usual routines and responsibilities, has been .... busy. I had a few tough days where everybody in my life seemed to be challenging me. It is possible that was just my perception, but seriously, it seemed like even the dog was talking back! I have wanted a dog for a very long time, and I found I was getting frustrated by her behaviour at times, and questioning whether or not I had made a mistake. What a horrible thought. In the first day that we got Tetley, she has brought me so much joy. We are into our second week now, and I can't imagine life without her, let alone my childrens' lives without a dog.

During my meditations, once I get into that quiet and open space, I sometimes ask for a message ~ "Is there anything I need to know right now?" What I got the other day was "Come from a place of love". This message seems so simple, but it absolutely makes sense to me. If we could all come from a place of love in everything that we do, not only would we each feel great, but so would every person we came in contact with. In spreading the love you feel around you, you are making an investment into that person, place or thing. An investment that will inevitably pay you back one hundred times. As for Tetley the dog, I think she notices when I am doing things out of love for her. She does seem to respond much more positively when I discipline her out of love, or ask her to wait for her food, or to genuinely tell her "Good girl! What a smart puppy!"

So I am starting anew today, coming from a place of love, and enjoying each moment with my children, the puppy, my husband ... well, you get the picture. Enjoy your day ~ With Love, Nicole