Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Dark Side of Change

When it comes to writing, I have a bad habit of only writing when I feel balanced. In this moment, I am going through a transformation … one that is feeling quite large and a bit unmanageable right now. I find that resisting the transformation was making it incredibly more difficult to deal with. I am now trying to allow the process to unfold without interfering. Some days I’m not sure if I can be strong enough to face the dark side of my spirituality – the side that shapeshifts, that turns everything I know out of me, changing my perceptions forever. How can I simply accept the fact that I am being changed forever, that everything that makes me who I am will be gone?
Well, perhaps not everything about me will change … but that is the hard part – not knowing what to expect.
For three years, I have been asking for freedom from anxiety, for direction in my life once the kids go to school, and for clarity of my life’s purpose. I’m beginning to think that my life’s purpose is just to live it, and that thought honestly makes me feel a little disappointed. Aren’t I meant to do something Big? Aren’t I meant to change peoples’ lives? Aren’t I meant to feel peace and harmony once I find this “life’s purpose”? For the most part of this period of discomfort I am going through, I have tossed my hands in the air asking, “What’s the point? What’s the point of being spiritual? What’s the point of trying so hard and I am seemingly getting Nowhere?”

The only one of my beliefs that seems to be sticking for me right now is one that my mother taught me when I was very young: The Golden Rule ~ Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be nice to people. Give them something of yourself – a smile, a hand on the shoulder, a laugh. That gentle consideration of others that is often lacking in our world, because of insecurity, fear, weakness.

What began this transformation was, of course, the Sound Healing workshop I attended a few weeks ago. After the workshop was over, I felt compelled to thank Danielea ~ I didn’t know what I was thanking her for, and I still don’t. After a few days, I think I realized that I was only at the beginning of something much larger, and the darkness set in pretty quickly. It was only a few days ago that I finally asked for guidance, ending my resistance to this change. I pulled one of the
Mayan Oracle Cards and was blown away by what I chose. CAUAC - You are entering into a time of profound quickening and transformation . You have come to the edge of what you have known yourself to be. Cauac beckons you to step into a fire that changes every level of your being, even the underlying structures of your life. Step into the unknown - your metamorphosis has begun!

I am finding it incredibly challenging to write about this at a time where I have no resolution or reason for the emotions I’m feeling. But perhaps that is part of the process of change ... for me, there is no better way to own up to how I'm feeling than writing on this blog.

If anyone else has stories of transformation, I would love to hear them ... I am asking for guidance and help with all of this, because I feel incredibly overwhelmed right now.

In Gratitude ~ Nicole


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  3. "I’m beginning to think that my life’s purpose is just to live it, and that thought honestly makes me feel a little disappointed." Hmmm. It took me many years to stop feeling like I was supposed to change the World and just And finally, I decided perhaps that was ok. And in accepting this, suddenly it really WAS ok and that's when opportunities for more growth appeared.

    I don't think we ever stop learning. It depends where I am in the scheme of things as to what the lesson is. But I have taught my children the things I know, and you know what, Nicole? That's what makes me the happiest of all.

    I echo coast to north when she said to go with the flow. Stop fighting the current so will find your purpose and place. If anyone is a seeker, it is you!

    Super post!

  4. Nicole - I so appreciate your honesty and clarity (yes, clarity, in terms of what you are feeling) in this post. Whether you call it the dark side of change, or a dark night of the soul, or shadow-work, or 'fierce grace' (a phrase from Adyashanti, a contemporary spiritual teacher I like), I think these phases are part of all our journey. And we cycle in and out of them all the time.

    I can relate to what you wrote about feeling discouraged about not having a clear life purpose. Maybe some people do come into an incarnation with a 'mission'. But I do not think that is everyone, and I do not think that is awakening, and I do not think the value of a life is measured by that. I have seen many spiritual seekers get caught in the trap of an 'end goal' (and I have gone through this too), instead of the process. The ego is much more comfortable with a goal, and with a purpose, not with the idea that life is just life, and it is about moments. And in the west we are also so conditioned around 'achievement', that we are even more prone to this 'spiritual ego'.

    But just because there is no set 'purpose' doesn't mean that the love and healing you generate does no good. Of course it does. We just have to settle for realizing that we can't always know the good we are doing, and we can't really plan it all out. All we can do is be true to our own awakening process, attend to our own awareness, and let that ripple outwards through us in whatever ways we are best suited for...

    That's what I have come to anyway. It's a kind of humility really, not to be so wrapped up in purpose. It's a relief, really, in a good way.

    I'm not sure if that's of value to you or not - all our journeys are so different. But sometimes something resonates from someone else's journey, and I am sharing this in that spirit...

    Peace and love to you as you travel this phase of your path - Lisa

  5. Coast: Thank you for being so honest about yourself. I really like what you said "just because I haven't recognized my "purpose" doesn't mean I haven't fulfilled it." That is so profound ... and yet so simple, almost like it has been staring me in the face! I know what you meant when you said you felt relieved to only be a piece of the puzzle. I have been feeling that sporadically. It seems as though I go in and out of awareness, and become comfy for a while ... and then uncomfortable for a while. Like new shoes!

    You are an open minded, gentle & spiritual person. Every time we connect, I learn something from you.

    Thank you.

  6. Dear Marion: I am finding that as I let go of the squeezehold of my expectations, life begins to feel a little lighter! It comes in waves though. I suppose it is okay for me to allow the current to whisk me along, in some other direction, on some unknown path. I suppose there are times too, when I will get stuck in the rocks and will have to allow the water to wash over me. I must surrender.

    It's interesting that both you & Coast have talked about raising kids as being the "one important thing". I have really been connecting and focusing with my kids a lot more lately. I feel so much joy when I watch them being kind to another person, smiling, laughing, playing.

    Perhaps there is no Big Moment in life. Perhaps it is the accumulation of moments ...

    Thank you for your deep insight and your caring words marion. I always appreciate YOU!

  7. Hi Lisa :o)

    I agree with you when you say that life is about the process. Knowing that this darkness is a part of the process is certainly keeping me sane! And you nailed it when you said that this feeling of having a purpose is an ego-driven perspective.

    Right now, where I'm at, it is hard to swallow the fact that, as you say, "We just have to settle for realizing that we can't always know the good we are doing".

    I really appreciate your perspective on this Lisa. I am so blessed to have so many wise women in my life, guiding me through this dark path. This necessary path. I can see now that it is necessary to change. And I do feel relief at the thought of letting go of the expectations I have had of myself! I don't have to do anything! The only one who ever said I had to be a certain way was Me.

    In Gratitude ~ Nicole

  8. Hello Nicole,

    Everything has been said that I would share. I remember when I felt like I needed to have some big purpose, one of my teachers said, "And what energy do you want to bring with you? It is your purpose, to share that." It all boils down to our own work on ourselves. When we do that, our purpose comes looking for us.

    Working with sound is powerful stuff, it unleashes a sleeping giant of emotions. Take good care of yourself!