Weeding the Garden

My day didn't start out so great yesterday. I was feeling cranky at my husband for not inviting me out X-country skiing, even though I was feeling hesitant to go. You see, I've never tried it, and I felt that he was underestimating my ability to keep up with him. I wasn't being very nice to him when he got back, and he asked me what was wrong. While I was explaining, he started smiling at me. I said "Why are you smiling?" He said "I can tell you're starting to feel better".

The moral of the story is to tell people how you're feeling right when you're feeling it. I call it weeding the garden. Even though what I was feeling was kind of minor, it felt so much better once I'd voiced my thoughts. I think those little thoughts and issues can accumulate (like compact snow) and cause much larger issues down the road. Once you weed the garden, there is that much more room for the flowers to grow!

Later in the day yesterday, once the kids were napping, my husband and sista went to run a few errands. I used that time to practice yoga. I also went for a walk with my sis. It felt so good to do those small things for myself. Tonight I am going on a date with my man! There was a time when I truly believed that I didn't have any time or energy for my own self, let alone time or energy to spare for my poor guy. A couple of hours alone together is going to be so nice. I can't wait!

Take Care

As mothers, we feed, bathe, clothe, love, and worry for our children. We'll do anything to make them happy - as long as it doesn't cause them to grow up as spoiled, inconsiderate, selfish people. We don't do the nice things for ourselves that we need to survive.

My doctor, when I told him I felt anxious, had a talk with me. He said that my kids were using me up. Did that make me feel guilty? Of course it did, but it was true. I am allowed to rest, damnit! And so are you.

Last night WC, my sista and I celebrated the Winter Solstice. It was amazing. One exercise we did was to say something positive about ourselves - something about our physical appearance, and something about ourselves. I have a totally wacky sense of humour. I think I am hilarious, even if not many other people do! I also love my arms. I can feel every muscle in my arms, they are so incredibly strong.

It's your turn! Take this silent opportunity to say something nice about YOU now. And give yourself a pat on the back, just for being. Consider it your Christmas present :o)

I Don't Have to be Perfect?

I don't know why, but I just couldn't sleep any longer this morning. I woke up at 6AM and couldn't get back to sleep! It's probably better this way ... I am having a bit of alone time, which is unexpected and really really nice!

Solstice happens this evening ... technically tomorrow morning I guess. Perhaps the uneasiness I've been feeling is the shift of seasons. Or perhaps I am allowing myself to get anxious about Yule. It shouldn't be like this - this truly is my favourite time of the year. And this year I am especially excited because both my sisters, and my parents will be here! There is snow on the ground, and we're supposed to get more ... and my children are so excited. I should be too, but I'm not. I admit it, I am not excited.

I am feeling some pressure to make the perfect dinner, and that everyone will love their gifts, and that my kids won't get too wound up.

It will be good enough if we eat a meal together as a family.
It will be good enough if everyone is smiling.
It will be good enough if I live in the moment and enjoy the day!

Wow ... just saying it here relieves so much pressure for me. My mom has told me in the past: You don't have to be perfect, Nicole. I denied it to myself that I was aiming for perfection, but I'm realizing that she is right, I try way too hard to make things perfect. My new mantra "It is good enough". It is good enough.

The Secret

My sister and I watched The Secret the other night. I remember when it was so popular, I felt no urge to read the book at all. But these things become important and necessary only when we are truly ready for them. I look back and realize I have used the Secret before in my life. These are the times when my life was happy, carefree and easy. I funneled positive energy into everything I was doing, and I didn't think about the awful things that could happen. I felt confident all the time, and I am ready to be confident again.

One thing that makes so much sense to me is that our emotions are our guides ... negative emotions make us feel bad, and that is our higher self telling us that what we are feeling is not conducive to happiness. The Law of Attraction. Like brings like. I believe in this. I am now focusing on all the good and happy things in my life, and I am ready to accept all the abundance the universe has to offer. No longer will I allow negativity into my life. Every morning, I run over all the things I am grateful for. I am grateful for:

• My beautiful children, and the fact that I won't have to worry about them. They are smart, loving people who will do well in life.
• My loving, caring, handsome husband.
• My sister.
• My sister.
• My parents.
• The beautiful home I live in.
• The fact that my whole family will be here for yule!
• and I am grateful for myself - the magnificient person I am. I am grateful for all the things I will do in my life, and all the things I have done.

I am ready to ask the Universe for all my desires. I am grateful to feel positive about every aspect of my life.

Sister!

My sister is staying with me right now, and we are having the best time together. Our relationship, like any other, waxes and wanes. But right now, we are completely in synch with each other. I had a vision of baby bear tracks in the sand on the beach. Loraine had a dream that a baby bear was standing next to my family. I hadn't told her about my vision. I've got to look into what that could mean.

I'm grateful that we're getting this time together. It's been so long, and I've missed her so much. We are both going through a challenging time right now, and we've been able to offer insight into each others' thoughts and feelings. It's so nice to be able to say "I'm feeling anxious right now", and for her to simply ask why. She suggested that every time I have a negative thought, perhaps I should think about something that is wonderful in my life. I think this brain training could really help me move forward...

Solstice Preparations

Now that the full moon has passed, I am beginning to feel another shift. The energy around me is changing. Solstice is approaching quickly now, and I'm going to start my serious preparations for Yule.

What do I want to bring into my life now? What kind of mindset am I going to need to have for my upcoming challenges? (Seen & unseen). I will be starting a support group for postpartum depression & anxiety at the end of January. I am so nervous! I will need to draw some major strength for that. I am anticipating that it will be personally challenging for me to offer help, while I am still experiencing anxiety. But I am up to the challenge!

I don't know what else is going to come to me in the new year, but I want to go into it with strength, love and tenacity. My wish for you is the same as for myself. May you have strength, courage and love in the upcoming year. Love Nicole

Soul Maintenance

It took me an entire week to get used to my life again. My anxiety piled back on me almost immediately, and I have to say, it was kind of scary. But over the course of the week, I realized that the peace and serenity I found on the Queen Charlotte Islands is always there for me. It is up to me to make the choice to be in that place. And I know, like any relationship, there is a certain amount of attention I have to give to myself. I am remembering to take that 5 minutes for myself, whenever I get the chance. I will read a magazine, bake something delicious, or just lie on the floor and clear my thoughts away. My best days are when I can get up before the kids, like today. A nice cup of tea to warm my soul ... goes a long long way in my world!

I had the most amazing time at my sister's wedding. She lives on the Queen Charlotte Islands, and I'll tell you, I've never been to such an amazing place. I've never felt so connected to nature. I was able to escape the wedding bustle to take a long walk on the beach. I was watching a massive wave beginning it's crest, then descent to the shore. It was so beautiful I wept. I felt like I was in a walking meditation the entire week. My mind was calm, and I was so content. Six months ago I thought I would never feel normal again, I thought I would never feel at peace. I am so grateful.