Living between visible and invisible worlds

My daughter is not listening to me lately. Sometimes I don't listen to myself either, so perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on her. She's been getting time on the naughty spot nearly every day for not listening, pulling the cat's tail, kicking her brother, etc. I guess that's probably normal 2 1/2 year old stuff.

As for me, I am trying to remain level headed, and trying to live on the borderline of the visible and invisible worlds. It is not always so easy. Today, I was walking with my daughter up the street, and I was fully in the moment. Feeling the hardness of the road beneath my feet, listening to the birds in the distance, feeling the air on my face, and hlding my sweet daughter's hand. It was really nice. Then later we were walking to a friend's house and she didn't want to hold my hand, she kept walking into the middle of the road, not listening when I was trying to get us to safely cross the street. Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh. I try to be patient, but it's really not easy sometimes. Becoming a mom is becoming a saint.

I am a warrior woman though. I will be stubborn and keep trying to balance these visible and invisible worlds.

Pure Joy

A lot of the time when I am watching my kids, I am taken back to my own chilhood. Today, my girl was on the swing, leaning her head aaallll the way back .... her hair almost touching the ground. I remember that feeling of pure joy. I remember being so present in that moment. The way each hair on my head was tingling, the feeling of the weight of my hair, and the satisfaction I felt when my hair finally touched the ground, gently brushing it.

Sometimes I feel like I should really have two blogs for the two largest aspects of my life: Spirituality and "real" life. But that wouldn't be right, because my big goal here is to enmesh these two aspects of my life. I ultimately want to be in touch spiritually all the time, not just those moments when I have time.

I want to get in touch with my life's purpose. I've always known that I have a very specific purpose in life, and that when this purpose is realized, that I will know it without a doubt in my mind. So I try to trust my intuition, but honestly, sometimes I'm so distracted when I'm out and about with my two babes!! But they are becoming more independant every day. I know, because so many people have said it, that this time goes by in an instant.

Tomorrow my friend is coming over to watch a girlie movie with me!!! Can you tell I don't get out much? But we will get to have a good talk too, with no distractions :o) And that is HUGE!

Today we woke up and it was raining, which was unfortunate because we wanted to go to the park! I was talking to my parents this morning and told them our plight and my mom said "Well, you're not made of sugar dear". So I took the kids to the park in the rain and we had a great time! We are all feeling much better today than yesterday.

Last night I practiced some yoga and tried to relax and meditate. I am not feeling the anxiety like I normally do. Which is so great, because I hate that feeling. I'm ready to let that go now, and I don't accept this anxiety as my truth anymore. Saying that makes me feel so free.

It's funny how certain events all take place at the right time. My Uncle was here last weekend for a visit and gave me a beautiful piece of amber. In one of my books, this is what it says about Amber: A powerful healer and cleanser that draws dis-ease from the body. A powerful protector, it links the everyday self to the higher spiritual reality. It brings balance and patience and encourages decision-making, being a useful memory aid. Emotionally, Amber encourages peacefulness and trust.

During my meditation last night I heard the phrase "Trust the process", a message that came through during a healing several months ago with my friend JO. So I am trying to trust the process here ... My goal: To be the same person with others as I am when I'm alone. To try to live a spiritual and conscientious life at all times. To be aware.

No Peace today ...

So I just about lost it with my little girl today. We are in the throes of the terrible two's, and she's learning how to push my buttons. Grrrrr.... We've been "off the wagon" with potty training for several months now, because she was getting extremely obsessed with the reward factor. So much so that she was trying to "go" even when she didn't physically need to. Then she was holding it in for some strange reason. So today she took off all her clothes, including her diaper. During lunch she had to pee, and went pee in the potty- hurray! Right?

Wrong. I let her use special soap to wash her hands, and she immediately tried to pee on the potty, again, in order to use the special soap. Of course she couldn't pee, and she started getting all wierd on me. She was wailing while sitting on the potty, looking at me as though I could fix it. She started throwing a HUGE fit, a tantrum you could say. Honestly, sometimes I just don't know what to do. Thank god my husband is home today. She wouldn't calm down, so he suggested she have a time out - just to get her feelings in check. Well, she started freaking out even more. I didn't know that such a little girl could be so freaking loud.

Got her up to her bedroom, cause by this time she had earned herself an early nap time. I was trying to get her dressed and she was literally screaming in my face. Of course, being the weak human I am, I started yelling at her. That was the wrong thing to do, because then she started screaming that blood-curdling, bimbo horror-movie scream. She is SO lucky (and I am too) that my husband came into the room and said "Nicole, this is becoming a bad situation for you, I'll take over". I have the best husband in the world.

I am almost done beating myself up, and am now onto the stage where I'm telling myself I'll do better next time. I will do better next time.

But why is it that when I get on a kick of doing really well (mentally, spiritually, emotionally) a situation like this comes back to bite me in the ass? It's like my brain is a computer being restarted and for a few moments it thinks it should be running the old program. Gotta get that glitch fixed.

Aaaahhh ... the kiddies are napping! Now I can tell you what I've been up to ... for myself.

My good friend and I both practice hands-on healing. She prefers to call it spiritual healing. I have my second level Reiki, but I feel like I have come a long way since I was trained, and I don't fully recognize what I'm doing as Reiki any longer. It's becoming much deeper ...

I have always felt that there is a chakra in the belly. While there is no chakra, apparently there is a large energy centre there. My good friend, I'll call her JO here., was speaking with another healer who mentioned that if you ground yourself, then open your crown chakra connecting to the universe ... try connecting your heart chakra and the energy centre just below your belly button. JO was told to see that energy centre as an emerald star. I tried this last night while lying on the couch. I fell into a meditative state very quickly - unusual since I have not meditated in months - I started to feel really good... Just like JO said that she did when she did this exercise.

I felt as though I were lying outside in the sun with my eyes closed. I recognize this feeling - I've felt it before. Like the afterglow of sex. I remember the first time I felt this too - NO not my first time having sex, pervert. :o)

I was 11 years old. I was at church, because we had to go when I was a kid. The minister was talking about letting Jesus into your heart - let him save you from your sins .... you get the point. I had heard this a billion times already, but that day I was listening, really listening. I opened my heart and asked "Jesus" to come into it. I felt my heart open up and I felt that beautiful warmth, that magnificient strength enter into it. Then I realized that something profound had just happened to me. The next thing I realized was that all the "sins", the "damnation", the "salvation" - those people had it all wrong. I knew that I didn't need to go to church to get to "heaven".

Shortly after, I told my mom I didn't want to go to church anymore. I know she was not happy about it... I never told her what happened until just a few years ago. My mom did the right thing exposing us to religion though. Being in a spiritual place gets you thinking. In all likelyhood, i probably would not have had that experience had I not gone to church as a child. I will not take my kids to church however, because that's not what I think spirituality is about. I won't go into a rant about organized religion ... if you're still reading this, I'm sure you have your own rants about organized religion.

Well, this got a lot longer than I expected it would today. I'll sign off here. I am going to try another short meditation, because it just feels good to be "plugged in". Bye!

Okay, so i'm a super cool mom. I took the kids to the water park today - hooray! They had so much fun. I love watching them having fun. That makes me happy. Now we're home, and my girl is pooping outside (in her diaper ... let's not talk about potty training) and my boy is playing peekaboo with me ... he's really trying to get my attention.

And so that's all for now.

This is my first post. I am thinking about being at one with the universe today.

It is easier said than done! I've only got about 2 hours per day to devote to this. And only that much time if I ignore the laundry and the dishes. Thank GOD my children nap together in the afternoon. Otherwise I might not be so sane.

I feel like I have so much going on right now. But I try not to be so hard on myself. My kids are so little, and so dependant upon me. They need me to be in a good state of mind to take care of them. So when they are awake I am 100% "theirs". When they are not, I am 100% "mine". I am trying to be the change I want to see in the world. And I'm trying to be the best mommy ever.