For the first time in my life, someone has made an observation about me that truly struck a nerve. My husband pointed out to me that I seem to always be searching for something. He indicated that maybe this was preventing me from living in the moment and truly being happy. This has never happened to me before. No one has ever, ever given me this kind of insight on myself, and agitated me so much. I immediately became defensive, because I felt so incredibly vulnerable. Why did this get to me so deeply? Am I always searching? And what exactly am I looking for? And now what do I do with this information? I honestly do try to live in the moment, and I believe I’m successful about 90% of the time. But, I have to admit, that other 10% is definitely spent on observing, analyzing and searching for reasons why, what ifs and would I be able to’s. Does this make me happy? No. But the rewards of ever-probing Life itself does come in waves… I can’t measure how often these moments arise, but I do know that it is worth it for me. Or at least it has been until now.
Since as far back as I can remember, I've been able to view my life as spiritual. I feel like I've had so many breakthroughs in my thinking, and I truly have come far, but with each "awakening" I ask myself the same question: "Now what do I do with this knowledge?" For the first time in my life, I am saying that I will not go searching for more. I am just trying to Be, right now, right in this singular moment. Right in this 1000th moment, I am just Being.
I honestly feel that at this moment, the house of spirituality I built up for myself is strange to me now. I feel as though the walls are beginning to crack a little, and that is a little scary. I can also feel that this is necessary. Everything in me feels restless with the coming change. I am in that space of uneasiness, wondering what will happen next and where I might be led. This uncertainty, too, is necessary. I suppose it is time to begin preparing to make room for change. I did a healing ritual with Licious and another close friend the other night. It was a time to purge unwanted habits and patterns, and to ask our Ancestors and guides for healing. I know I need to go a few steps further and cleanse my home and property, and I need to be gentle with myself right now.
"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase" ~ Martin Luther King