Worth It.

I am the hillside next to an expanding highway. I am raped of citizen trees. I am the bare, raw earth begging for survival. But upon my scarred flesh newness will thrive. I will survive, and I will grow.

I reached a milestone today. I realized that I am no longer in the center of the black pit of post partum anxiety. I look back and I can see that I've come a long long way. I used to get angry, frustrated and anxious so easily, but now I can relax and be myself and play with my kids. I feel better than I did. There was a time when I thought I would never feel better. I do feel better. I don't feel perfect, and I don't think I ever will. I know I'll probably encounter many more struggles in my life, but now I know that life is a process. I am here to learn.

I want to give my whole story, but there simply isn't room for it here. My advice to women struggling to deal with depression or anxiety is this:

FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

YOU ARE NOT EVER ALONE.

ASK FOR HELP.

GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR WHAT YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED.

Mothers are saints. We give so much of ourselves, and don't often receive the gratitude we deserve, or the recognition we desire.

So here is to the newness of life. Every day is a new beginning with new possibilities. I'm happy to have turned a page in my personal book of life. And I can't wait to see what's on the next page.

@%#*$*%!!!

I feel a little off balance today. I suppose that's what a toddler birthday party can do to a person. But I think it's more than that. I'm taking on a lot this winter, including going on a week long trip for my sister's wedding. And I'm leaving my kids and husband at home. I am so terrified of doing this, but I absolutely must go to my sister's wedding. And the trip is just too long for the children; it wouldn't be fair.

It will be best to take it one day at a time. I'm just concerned about maintaining a connectedness while all of this is happening. I will really have to make an effort to take time out for myself.

I went to the most beautiful harp concert the other night. I felt as though I was transported back in time... the most beautiful music I have ever heard.

I truly do love this time of year ... especially Winter Solstice. But Halloween comes first. Can't wait for that ...

Just for today, do not Judge

I have been feeling pretty good lately. But since I started feeling better, it seems as though a few people around me have been acting wierd. I feel like people are trying to put me in my place, back where I was. But I'm not going backward anymore, sorry. I am trying to move forward, trying to enjoy my life, as it is. I admit, I may have overstepped some boundaries, but I am allowed to make mistakes. And I am equally entitled to recover from those mistakes, even if those around me don't want to forgive.

It is okay to forgive. It is okay to be forgiven. There is no shame in making mistakes. There is no shame in saying the wrong thing if you can explain yourself later. Did I explain myself well?

Perhaps now that I am feeling better I'm trying to put a shine on things. Trying to "fix" people without permission. Not saying that I am perfect. I'll never be perfect, there is always something to worry about. I do worry about stepping on peoples' toes. But if I'm starting a support group, I'd better learn how to listen to people, and to accept them for who they are. I need to chase my judgemental behavior away.

My mantra for the next few weeks: Just For Today Do Not Judge

Know Your Opposites

What am I thankful for? The harvesting is done, the year is nearly over, and it is time to become an introvert and to reflect on what this past year has brought to me. I find myself reflecting on my hardships immediately when I think about the past year. Problems with anxiety mainly, trouble sleeping, some frustrations and a realization of my growing impatience with my world.

In the past few months, I've been able to slowly change my perspective and I'm feeling so much better! The anxiety lingers, here and there. It never truly goes away, but I know this is partly due to regaining my body's strength after having two babies so close together. Hormones are confusing ... I'm making peace with myself in our decision to stop making babies. My heart cries out for more, but I'm quite certain my mind could not handle it. I enjoy where we are at. I love getting on the floor with the kids, playing, interacting, engaging in the true stuff of life - laughter, joy, love. ALL of my hardships were worth it, for these moments are the best I've had in my life.

I am thankful for my hardships, for you cannot know one thing without knowing it's opposite.

Crying

Today my daughter reminded me of something important. She started crying, about some silly thing, and she would not stop. It was so hard for me to hear her wailing, and I just wanted her to s t o p, so I said "Please stop crying!" She told me that she didn't want to stop crying, and when I asked her why, she said "Because I feel like crying". So she sat on my lap for ten minutes crying and wailing. When she was finished we read books together, and then she had some ice cream with her brother.

It brought back memories of my own childhood, and you know, I did exactly the same thing! I remember how good it felt to just cry and cry and cry. And how fantastic I felt afterward. I thought there was some point where this whole charade just stopped, but there wasn't! I just got better at concealing my feelings. I still cry, but only now and then.

When I was getting her ready for bed, I asked her if she felt better than before. She said "I feel so much better after my big cry. I feel happy!" I am so amazed by her.

Doing the Best I Can

I'm not doing all that great lately. BUT I have been plugging away at the things that help me to feel balanced. I still meditate for at least five minutes each day. It doesn't sound like a lot, but it is. I think too much. A common ailment for so many women, so many people, everywhere.

Being in this town for three years, you would think I would feel comfortable now. You would think I would feel at home. But this past week, I have been sincerely missing my home town. I miss the familiarity. I miss bumping into people I know at the grocery store. I miss the ocean too. And the mountains, and the wise old trees. I miss the rivers there. The rivers here are not the same. They are flat and smooth, reflecting too much. I prefer the boisterousness of the water launching off of the massive rocks.

Last, but not least, I miss my extended family. The loud, honest laugh of my Auntie H. The happiness in my Grandma's face when we were all together, especially at Christmas. The joy I shared with my cousin A watching our kids together. We were so smug, we thought it would last forever!

But I suppose my destiny was meant to be more challenging. I find I am challenging myself lately. I have had this image of myself for so long, things I thought I was ... and I'm beginning to realize I'm not living up to my own expectations. I want to talk about my spirituality openly and honestly, with no fear of standing up for what I believe in. And I want to be someone who really listens to what people are really saying. I want to help people in whatever way that I can, so long as I don't sacrifice mine or my family's needs. I'm doing the best that I can, starting today.