I've been thinking a lot about a scary word lately - Change. The word in itself scares me because of what it could imply ... the unknown. When I think of change, I wonder how I'll adapt because I've become so used to the way things are. Will I let anyone down? Will I let myself down?
I've also been thinking a lot about Guilt lately. My big guilts are usually based in whether or not I'll meet my loved ones' expectations, and it is just the idea of letting someone down that really gets to me. I would like to let go of this drama from my life, and that is the challenge I am consciously facing now. I just returned from a family reunion where I noticed some interesting patterns. Every family has discussions of behaviour they noticed while visiting, and most families hold these discussions behind closed doors. That person will not be aware of what was said, they will only feel that focus upon them. It is an unfortunate pattern that could be corrected, slowly over time, if a handful of us could resist the flow of a river like that. I am going to try.
I felt an energy that Saturday night at the campfire, while all of us gathered in a huge circle around it. I felt my elders, long since gone, enjoying the energy we raised while singing old cowboy songs. I could feel a message there, but couldn't quite grasp it until now. The message was to move on, enjoy life, enjoy each other and to focus on the joys of life. There is truly no time to suffer in silence. A family is there to support you in your suffering, and more importantly still be there when you reach the other side of that suffering. My family is made up of remarkable people, and I am one of them. I want to tell my family how remarkable they are to me.
Here's to Change.