There was a time when I found that I was constantly searching
for answers about myself. There was a
time when I had no idea what emotions were bubbling under the surface of my own
skin. And there was also a time when I
thought that my own truth might lie within someone else. I know now that all of these were small
pathways to the larger picture of where I walk today.
It seems like it was an awfully long time ago that I was
such a different person. A girl who was
searching to be a woman ~ strong, courageous, wise and worldly. A search that seemed like it would take a
lifetime to achieve. I was wanting so
badly for it all to happen at once ~ a grand and staged event where people
would all gather to say "Wow! Look
at Nicole ... she is now a woman, worldly and wise". I even sometimes thought of myself as being
filled with wisdom, but I never shared it for lack of confidence. At the time, I felt that I was confident
because I never really cared what other people thought of me ... which led me
to grand self-expression. Different hair
colours (all colours of the rainbow), piercings (septum and tongue), Tattoos
accumulated over the transition from teenager to young adult, and clothes
sourced out from thrift stores ~ as long as it was dramatic enough.
Even amongst all of my material world, I had a vast and
private life, and looking back on it now I think that perhaps I was protecting
someone inside myself who was much more sensitive and naive and quiet than my
outside persona. For me, there has
always been this internal tug-of-war between my introverted self and my
extroverted self. There were times when
I wished I could be bold, outgoing and fun ~ the life of the party! These were the times when I could dress up in
crazy, attention-grabbing outfits, and go out with friends for drinks and
dancing. I looked confident, but I was
always anxious and desperate for something more on the inside. Other times I just wanted to hole up in a
cave, invoking comforting energies, hoping for Wicca to make my life more
dramatic. I now understand that there is
a great gift that lies within patience and subtlety.