Confrontation

Growing up, I was never given a true example of how confrontation can be addressed in a positive way. Like most women in my mother's generation, confronting someone was seen as a very negative thing to do. I think there is a positive and constructive way to confront someone, but that doesn't make it easy.

Recently, I was forced to confront an acquaintance of mine who stepped over the line in our relationship. When it first happened I was willing to ignore it, to just let it go. But a friend of mine, when I told her what had happened, said to me "What kind of relationship do you want to have with this person? Do you want to allow this to happen again? Because by not saying anything, you are silently giving permission for this to happen again." I was sick for three days about the way this person overstepped the boundaries, and the feeling wouldn't go away. I was forced to confront the situation. I said my part and walked away, allowing this person a way out should they want to hide from me for a while, in shame. I also gave this person permission to discuss the situation with me. Honestly, one confrontation is enough for me, but should this person want to talk with me, I need to be open enough to listen. And strong enough to keep my boundaries clear.

A few months ago, when we put on the "Boundaries and You" workshop, I thought I knew something about boundaries because of my experiences in my family. It is so much harder when faced with a challenge outside of your comfort zone. By being passive in this particular relationship, I really was giving this person permission to walk all over me. And that wasn't right. It is okay for me - and you - to set up boundaries early on, and to confront another person when those boundaries are overstepped. For me, personally, I am hoping this whole situation will blow over quickly. With a new outline for us to follow, I am sure that this person and I can move on in this relationship amicably. There is always the chance that this person may be hurt or embarassed by what I had to say, but sometimes you need to call people on naughty behaviour. It wasn't right what happened, but because I said what I needed to say, I can feel myself forgiving this person. Having compassion for someone who wronged you can be a very powerful thing.

The Dark Side of Change

When it comes to writing, I have a bad habit of only writing when I feel balanced. In this moment, I am going through a transformation … one that is feeling quite large and a bit unmanageable right now. I find that resisting the transformation was making it incredibly more difficult to deal with. I am now trying to allow the process to unfold without interfering. Some days I’m not sure if I can be strong enough to face the dark side of my spirituality – the side that shapeshifts, that turns everything I know out of me, changing my perceptions forever. How can I simply accept the fact that I am being changed forever, that everything that makes me who I am will be gone?

Well, perhaps not everything about me will change … but that is the hard part – not knowing what to expect.

For three years, I have been asking for freedom from anxiety, for direction in my life once the kids go to school, and for clarity of my life’s purpose. I’m beginning to think that my life’s purpose is just to live it, and that thought honestly makes me feel a little disappointed. Aren’t I meant to do something Big? Aren’t I meant to change peoples’ lives? Aren’t I meant to feel peace and harmony once I find this “life’s purpose”? For the most part of this period of discomfort I am going through, I have tossed my hands in the air asking, “What’s the point? What’s the point of being spiritual? What’s the point of trying so hard and I am seemingly getting Nowhere?”

The only one of my beliefs that seems to be sticking for me right now is one that my mother taught me when I was very young: The Golden Rule ~ Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be nice to people. Give them something of yourself – a smile, a hand on the shoulder, a laugh. That gentle consideration of others that is often lacking in our world, because of insecurity, fear, weakness.

What began this transformation was, of course, the Sound Healing workshop I attended a few weeks ago. After the workshop was over, I felt compelled to thank Danielea ~ I didn’t know what I was thanking her for, and I still don’t. After a few days, I think I realized that I was only at the beginning of something much larger, and the darkness set in pretty quickly. It was only a few days ago that I finally asked for guidance, ending my resistance to this change. I pulled one of the Mayan Oracle Cards and was blown away by what I chose. CAUAC - You are entering into a time of profound quickening and transformation . You have come to the edge of what you have known yourself to be. Cauac beckons you to step into a fire that changes every level of your being, even the underlying structures of your life. Step into the unknown - your metamorphosis has begun!

I am finding it incredibly challenging to write about this at a time where I have no resolution or reason for the emotions I’m feeling. But perhaps that is part of the process of change ... for me, there is no better way to own up to how I'm feeling than writing on this blog.

If anyone else has stories of transformation, I would love to hear them ... I am asking for guidance and help with all of this, because I feel incredibly overwhelmed right now.

In Gratitude ~ Nicole

Sound Healing

I was recently blessed to attend a workshop hosted by Danielea Castell. (She came all the way to Quesnel!) Her company name is One Conscious Voice – if you are interested in learning more, please check out her website: www.oneconsciousvoice.com/

I am not even sure where to begin in describing the experience I had in this workshop. I look back on it now, and in each moment I remember thinking “Well, this isn’t very significant” or “Shouldn’t I be feeling more?” … thoughts like these circulated in my mind throughout the course of the evening. At the end I went to thank Danielea, and I felt as though I were thanking her for something that was going to occur in the future. Something that has not manifested yet, but is slowly being put into action inside of me. She knew, without words to hug me, enveloping me with a sense of peace, love and understanding.

The sounds brought me together as one with both Mother Earth (Gaia) and Father Sky (Cosmos) … a beautiful meditation we were guided through. As I connected to Father Sky, it is almost as though I surrendered my voice, my spirit, my body to the Cosmos. My voice was no longer mine, but a buzzing droning sound … a sound that made me feel happy and sad, irritated and relaxed, elated and mournful ~ all at exactly the same time. I honestly did feel like the Divine Child … I really was taken to that place of naiveté, innocence and Oneness. Strangely enough, I felt no peace in this place, just a sense of movement, change, and growth. What has changed in me, I do not yet know. I feel as though I know so little, being exposed to something so vast …

Time is ripening the gifts that were exchanged, and the next morning I felt like I was finally coming down from the buzzing energy. Sound can change a person. Especially when you are the person making that sound, with intent and with passion.

Revelations were certainly had during the night, allowing me to weep, allowing me to let go of my earthly cares, allowing me to come back to the place of nothingness. Perhaps that is why I felt discomfort at times. Perhaps that is why I felt a loss at times. After feeling such a huge sense of connection, why do I feel so lost and confused now? Where does one go after facing the nothingness?

Creating Change

There is something I need to learn about stagnancy. It seems as though everyone and everything around me is moving, doing, taking action. I feel as though I am in the eye of the storm where all is calm and still, yet just outside of this tiny world I'm in, there is a perfect chaos taking over. A chaos understood, and even planned by our beautiful Universe.

People come in and out of my life, teaching me, embracing what I have to offer, and then some of them leave. Some of the people I've met since I moved here have been exceptional, phenomenal people. People who I grew to love and accept wholly into my life as dear dear friends. Friendships that will last the rest of our lives. Please don't misunderstand ~ I am not complaining, or feeling sorry for myself. I am just trying to embrace the situation that is consistently being presented to me in this place.

Quesnel is an interesting place. What I've noticed is that the people who move here are confronted by what they first perceive as a wall ~ a wall of judgement and ... almost .... persecution. It is a stigma that is often laid upon small towns that is sometimes deserved, and sometimes not. Quesnel is not what it appears to be on the surface. There are many many people here searching for something so much bigger. Inevitably there are always comments about how in a town like this, we can't expect to have a worldly frame of mind, because anything "different" will get you stoned or cast out. As outsiders, we perpetuate that story, allowing it to partially dictate what we do, what we say and how we act while living here. The best thing that a person can do is to be themselves, speak freely, and offer their knowledge and previous experiences to the collective. Everything changes, we all change, we all move in, move on, move up, and move out. When you not only embrace change, but make change, you are truly servicing your community.

Next month marks our fourth year living in Quesnel, and it is amazing to me how much this place has challenged and changed me. What I have come to realize in the past year is that Quesnel, and perhaps any place, is truly a blank canvas. I can have access to anything I want here ... but it is up to me to publicly announce what I would like to see ... and at times I have been the one to add something new to the community. I have had to step out of my personal comfort zone, roll up my sleeves and start a Mom to Mom Support Group. I have told strangers about my postpartum anxiety. My friend and I have put on workshops about spirituality ~ this was something that pushed me immediately outside of my comfort zone. But those workshops represented something larger than us ... I see now that more and more energy is building for spirituality, creative expression, yoga, sound healing and more. It is amazing to see the changes that are taking place, and I am honoured to witness them.

One of the rewards of living in a small town is that you have the opportunity to help build a foundation that gives a place its' character. For me personally, I am working on making peace with the stagnancy that I am being challenged with. I sometimes feel as though I am firmly rooted here, with no thoughts to leave, and if I can embrace my groundedness, I can be a very strong support for others. Perhaps I am a bridge for many people, a connection, a safe passage through a challenging situation. And that is something I believe I can enjoy offering to those kindred spirits who weave in and out of my life.

With Gratitude, Nicole

Sibling Relationships - Part Two: Breakdown

On the afternoon of my last post, something happened to change my perspective drastically on my sibling relationships. Out of respect, I won't get into too many details about what transpired. But I will say that one of my sisters made a decision that I didn't agree with. I felt offended, hurt, betrayed that she could make this decision, even though in the big picture, it shouldn't affect me. I have always been overprotective of my sisters, probably since day one, and I have felt a responsibility to watch out for them. But I realized that I am not responsible for these women! My happiness is not dependant on theirs, and sooner or later I will have to let go of that.

I have begun that process already. Now that I am becoming aware of the deep energetic connection I have with her, I am realizing how much I am attached to her. So, several times a day, I find myself "cutting" that energetic cord, releasing my responsibility and allowing her to make her own choices. Without my judgements, which can be harsh and a little too honest, at times. So often in our relationship, I've wanted her to approve me, to accept and love me. Even if it involved betraying my true self. Perhaps that is why I found it appropriate for me to judge her, and to hold an idea in my mind of who she should be. When that isn't who she truly is.

Our families, no doubt, are the blank canvas with which we begin our lives. But we don't have to remain stagnant in anothers' perception of us, and our siblings do not need to either. Our definitions of each other must change, and we need to allow the opportunities in order for that to happen. Holding on to anger, hurt and disappointment only makes it harder to live a life independent of judgement. I am slowly learning this ... and I am not finding it all that easy. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I know that peace is waiting there for me. And my siblings, if they choose it.

Sibling Relationships

Sibling Relationships - Why are they so much different than most other relationships? I think they are different because you feel that because you were raised in the same household, and in essentially the same way, that your sibling somehow understands you. That they somehow know why you are the way you are, and that they feel the same way you do.

Sibling relationships seem to be, in childhood, a testing ground for social behavior. In the transition to adulthood, it is easy to remain in a state of competition with your siblings. There a point where some of us draw a line in the sand as to what we will put up with, and the result can sometimes cause a temporary rift in a relationship. Sometimes, if the competition or rivalry has been going on for quite some time, these temporary rifts can become long, deep-rooted silences.

In my personal experience, if you can somewhat detach yourself from the family dynamic you grew up with, you can pave the way for a healthier relationship to flourish. Throughout our formative years, we are slowly squeezed into a mold that we often allow to define us as we enter adulthood. This stereotype is dependant on our temperament, the personalities of other family members, as well as mutual experiences within our families. An example: The family goes to an adventure park - the oldest one is challenged by another family member to try bungee jumping, or the zip cord. The oldest one is used to being brave, and is frequently commended by other family members on this trait. The parents often boast to outsiders about this quality. In a way, the oldest child has no choice but to be the brave one, because that is what is expected of him.

When we can break free of these expectations and obligations, we open ourselves up to becoming friends with our brothers and sisters. This means letting go of previous judgements, grudges and negative experiences that involved our siblings. It also means forgiveness. I am lucky enough to have become friends with my two sisters, and I’d like to share some thoughts about them here. I hope I’m not crossing any boundaries by doing so.

My eldest sister is a very intuitive woman who has taught me, and continues to teach me, how to take care of myself. She takes care of herself, knowing when she needs alone time, journaling nearly every day, and constantly looking for new inspiration. These are important aspects of life that we women tend to forget about or push aside. She is independent with a strong will, and a free spirit. She can laugh and make me laugh like nobody else can. Her and I can get so silly together, making up characters, songs, crazy dances and the like. We usually end up laughing so hard that our bellies hurt. We connect deeply on a spiritual level, and both hold the belief that you create your own destiny – no one else is responsible.

My youngest sister is a nurturing, caring person with a big heart. She loves everything about food, and that is where we connect the most right now. She loves to cook, she loooves to eat, and she loves to try new things in the kitchen. She is incredibly passionate about food, and is willing to take chances when she cooks, which I admire about her. She loves to be near the ocean, fishing and being immersed in nature. She gives so much to her husband, and revels in his attention. And she is another silly sister! When the three of us get together ... it is probably unbearable for other people. But we love each other, and would do absolutely anything for each other.

I have a tendency to try to take care of both of my sisters, which has its’ downsides, as not many adults need to be taken care of. I know there is a stigma about my place in the family because I am the only daughter who has children. There are still beliefs in our society, that family life (married with kids) is the best life. I don’t necessarily believe that’s true. I am happy with my life, and I know this is where I am supposed to be. But I know my sisters are happy with their lives too. Their paths are unique and beautiful and ... their own.

Cry If You Want To

Our lives are built upon a foundation of balance. Everything we let into our private psyches affects us, but did you know that each circumstance in your life is dependant on the other? We are part of the whole, and this is reflected in each aspect, large and small.

Our emotional balance depends on so many details ... minuscule matters such as how you awake in the morning, whether you drank coffee or tea, what the weather is like, the moods of the people in your home, and countless other circumstances. There are of course bigger things that affect us as well, such as an argument with a loved one, a close friend moving away, someone close to you being sick, and many many others.

In light of these revelations, it is important to recognize that our emotional balance varies from day to day. There is no reason to be hard on yourself for not being as happy as you were the day before. Be gentle with yourself, and continually recognize that you are an emotional being and that things affect you. There are many books, movies, songs and poetry about remaining positive, but I believe that sadness performs a purpose. Sadness give you an opportunity to become an introvert, focus solely on the feelings and then release them. You can use your emotion to purge your negative feelings, and to essentially make room for more love, more happiness and more peace in your life. It is okay to cry. It is good to cry.

This reminds me of a Holly Cole song called "Cry if You Want To" ... Enjoy!