The other night I was able to be a part of something amazing. I was invited to a women's full moon ceremony. Now, my good friend and I open circles together several times throughout the year, but this was the first time I would be attending someone else's circle. At first I felt defensive about going, that this circle would somehow overshadow my personal efforts. But I knew I had to attend, I knew there was a reason. I suppose there always is.
We started the evening by writing down "I invite the Goddess of the Moon into my life to ... (fill in the blank)". We were also to write down what in our life we are thankful for. Many of us went on writing for a long while before it was time to move on. Next we were each asked to pull a card from a large variety of decks: Egyptian Tarot, Goddess cards, and others.
The two women leading the circle, Dianne and Beverly, talked for a while about what it means to be a woman ~ the Power we have within us to make anything happen ~ How no man was ever born without a woman's permission ~ How even the Son of God was born from a woman ~ How no thing ever happened to a woman without her authorizing it in some way; We are never victims. We talked about how, during the Feminism Era, we wanted to be like Men ... and how it is now time to be Women again, embracing that deep, connected power within.
We were instructed that we would each have a turn to tell others what the card we chose was saying to us. We were reminded that each card would have a message for not only the person who picked it, but for each member of the group. I was blown away at how much wisdom we had, standing together like that. Dianne and Beverly were consistently aware of the underlying theme to every woman's situations, and were incredibly talented at pulling us together. What really struck me was how each and every woman in that room was going through some kind of huge transformation, including me.
One thing that Beverly said really hit home for me: We need to walk the road between the light and the dark, veering off to experience this or that and then returning to that middle ground. Walk between the light and the dark. Perhaps this is something I have been missing at times ... pushing aside that Shadow Wisdom in favour of love and light ... perhaps I did that out of fear? I do believe that we are here to experience every single moment to the fullest extent that we can. For myself, I am content to take my life one day at a time .. and one moment at a time when things get out of hand.
I am so thankful to have been a part of such a special evening, and to have had the opportunity to channel that ancient women's wisdom with others.
Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again! ~ Nicole
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I have been on a hiatus from focused spiritual activity for several months now, and I am finally beginning to feel the pull of the Divine. Could I be ready to tip the scales back into balance?
As I mentioned in previous posts, this is the first time in my life where I truly felt an aversion to "practicing" my spirituality. With this whole situation I have been feeling seriously guilty, as though I am neglecting myself. In a way, I have been neglecting myself, but during a meditation today I drifted into that lovely space and heard the words "It is always here for you, whenever you need it".
That got me thinking ... perhaps I've been led astray in thinking that I need to pick every situation in my life apart, prying it open to find meaning. What need was I fulfilling by deciphering every message with a book, a card ... someone else's words? I have talked about this in the past, that the answers are always available ~ all you have to do is ask. So was it that I didn't believe it? Or was it just fun for me to play a game of detective? Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with asking questions, and trying to get more information about something that you don't understand. But when you are waiting for the next "message" instead of living a life of peace, in peace, is there something missing there? Did I miss anything valuable when my head was bent over a book, floating around in someone else's world? Or is that part of the experience too ~ Not being able to focus on more than one thing at a time ~
During this time of "incubation" I have noticed my family animal totem, the bald eagle, soaring above me ~ reminding me of all the sacredness of life. But not once did I look up the meaning again. I simply nodded my head and watched him soaring in circles, high up in the sky, observing the world with a new perspective, a changed mind, and a strength from that deep, vast place where all our hearts convene.
Namaste, my friends.
As I mentioned in previous posts, this is the first time in my life where I truly felt an aversion to "practicing" my spirituality. With this whole situation I have been feeling seriously guilty, as though I am neglecting myself. In a way, I have been neglecting myself, but during a meditation today I drifted into that lovely space and heard the words "It is always here for you, whenever you need it".
That got me thinking ... perhaps I've been led astray in thinking that I need to pick every situation in my life apart, prying it open to find meaning. What need was I fulfilling by deciphering every message with a book, a card ... someone else's words? I have talked about this in the past, that the answers are always available ~ all you have to do is ask. So was it that I didn't believe it? Or was it just fun for me to play a game of detective? Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with asking questions, and trying to get more information about something that you don't understand. But when you are waiting for the next "message" instead of living a life of peace, in peace, is there something missing there? Did I miss anything valuable when my head was bent over a book, floating around in someone else's world? Or is that part of the experience too ~ Not being able to focus on more than one thing at a time ~
During this time of "incubation" I have noticed my family animal totem, the bald eagle, soaring above me ~ reminding me of all the sacredness of life. But not once did I look up the meaning again. I simply nodded my head and watched him soaring in circles, high up in the sky, observing the world with a new perspective, a changed mind, and a strength from that deep, vast place where all our hearts convene.
Namaste, my friends.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Transformation: Final Stage
I am slowly coming through a recent transformation, and it has been the longest concentrated process of change I have been through. There has been a consistent feeling of a very silent surface … with very much going on inside of me. I am relieved to have finally come to a life-changing realization. For some reason, it will be difficult for me to post on this blog, but in reality, it is only hard on my Ego.
Eleven years ago, I received my First Level Reiki certificate. This happened during another transformation, where I was coming out of a dangerous place in my mind; a time during which I had abused my mind, spirit and body. Reiki, and the community that came with it, cradled me through some difficult memories. I was twenty years old, with no direction, and no real idea about the big world around us. Really, I had little confidence in myself and my abilities. I thought that because spirituality was the only thing I understood fully, surely my career would follow this path. (What else could I be good at?) To be honest, I actually felt obligated to the art of Reiki to incorporate it into my life fully, in order to repay the Universe for the gifts I was given. Writing this now, I realize that there are no debts to the Universe, most certainly not for the gift of healing! I know now that my only obligation is to enjoy my life, sharing all the love that I can, and living mindfully.
So I started asking myself some questions: What is my passion? What do I love to do? The answer came to me so simply: I love to write and I love to bake. I saw a vision of myself in my own bakery, helping people, brightening their day with something sweet, sharing my love and my passion, giving a gift. There were other times that I tossed the idea of baking around, but I always had a million reasons why I wasn’t good enough to pursue it. I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out sooner! In my early twenties, I worked at an amazing bakery called The Wildflour Bakery in Sechelt, on the Sunshine Coast. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was soaking up the techniques like a sponge. I would watch the bakers making cakes, tarts, bars, cookies and bread ~ fascinated. I would ask questions, watch how their hands moved, notice what the bread dough looked like under their hands, or how firmly they were pressing shortbread into pans. Even when I moved back to Squamish, working at a financial planner’s office, there just happened to be a French pastry chef working across the street. I loved to go there, some weeks it was every day, to pick up something sweet. I remember longing to go into the kitchen to watch Alain perform his magic, but I never asked.
Baking has always been a passion. And now I am ready to pursue it fully … so I’ve opened a home-based business! I am already busy filling orders, and I have to say, I absolutely love it. I feel like I am doing exactly what I should be doing. Living my life.
Eleven years ago, I received my First Level Reiki certificate. This happened during another transformation, where I was coming out of a dangerous place in my mind; a time during which I had abused my mind, spirit and body. Reiki, and the community that came with it, cradled me through some difficult memories. I was twenty years old, with no direction, and no real idea about the big world around us. Really, I had little confidence in myself and my abilities. I thought that because spirituality was the only thing I understood fully, surely my career would follow this path. (What else could I be good at?) To be honest, I actually felt obligated to the art of Reiki to incorporate it into my life fully, in order to repay the Universe for the gifts I was given. Writing this now, I realize that there are no debts to the Universe, most certainly not for the gift of healing! I know now that my only obligation is to enjoy my life, sharing all the love that I can, and living mindfully.
So I started asking myself some questions: What is my passion? What do I love to do? The answer came to me so simply: I love to write and I love to bake. I saw a vision of myself in my own bakery, helping people, brightening their day with something sweet, sharing my love and my passion, giving a gift. There were other times that I tossed the idea of baking around, but I always had a million reasons why I wasn’t good enough to pursue it. I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out sooner! In my early twenties, I worked at an amazing bakery called The Wildflour Bakery in Sechelt, on the Sunshine Coast. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was soaking up the techniques like a sponge. I would watch the bakers making cakes, tarts, bars, cookies and bread ~ fascinated. I would ask questions, watch how their hands moved, notice what the bread dough looked like under their hands, or how firmly they were pressing shortbread into pans. Even when I moved back to Squamish, working at a financial planner’s office, there just happened to be a French pastry chef working across the street. I loved to go there, some weeks it was every day, to pick up something sweet. I remember longing to go into the kitchen to watch Alain perform his magic, but I never asked.
Baking has always been a passion. And now I am ready to pursue it fully … so I’ve opened a home-based business! I am already busy filling orders, and I have to say, I absolutely love it. I feel like I am doing exactly what I should be doing. Living my life.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Confrontation
Growing up, I was never given a true example of how confrontation can be addressed in a positive way. Like most women in my mother's generation, confronting someone was seen as a very negative thing to do. I think there is a positive and constructive way to confront someone, but that doesn't make it easy.
Recently, I was forced to confront an acquaintance of mine who stepped over the line in our relationship. When it first happened I was willing to ignore it, to just let it go. But a friend of mine, when I told her what had happened, said to me "What kind of relationship do you want to have with this person? Do you want to allow this to happen again? Because by not saying anything, you are silently giving permission for this to happen again." I was sick for three days about the way this person overstepped the boundaries, and the feeling wouldn't go away. I was forced to confront the situation. I said my part and walked away, allowing this person a way out should they want to hide from me for a while, in shame. I also gave this person permission to discuss the situation with me. Honestly, one confrontation is enough for me, but should this person want to talk with me, I need to be open enough to listen. And strong enough to keep my boundaries clear.
A few months ago, when we put on the "Boundaries and You" workshop, I thought I knew something about boundaries because of my experiences in my family. It is so much harder when faced with a challenge outside of your comfort zone. By being passive in this particular relationship, I really was giving this person permission to walk all over me. And that wasn't right. It is okay for me - and you - to set up boundaries early on, and to confront another person when those boundaries are overstepped. For me, personally, I am hoping this whole situation will blow over quickly. With a new outline for us to follow, I am sure that this person and I can move on in this relationship amicably. There is always the chance that this person may be hurt or embarassed by what I had to say, but sometimes you need to call people on naughty behaviour. It wasn't right what happened, but because I said what I needed to say, I can feel myself forgiving this person. Having compassion for someone who wronged you can be a very powerful thing.
Recently, I was forced to confront an acquaintance of mine who stepped over the line in our relationship. When it first happened I was willing to ignore it, to just let it go. But a friend of mine, when I told her what had happened, said to me "What kind of relationship do you want to have with this person? Do you want to allow this to happen again? Because by not saying anything, you are silently giving permission for this to happen again." I was sick for three days about the way this person overstepped the boundaries, and the feeling wouldn't go away. I was forced to confront the situation. I said my part and walked away, allowing this person a way out should they want to hide from me for a while, in shame. I also gave this person permission to discuss the situation with me. Honestly, one confrontation is enough for me, but should this person want to talk with me, I need to be open enough to listen. And strong enough to keep my boundaries clear.
A few months ago, when we put on the "Boundaries and You" workshop, I thought I knew something about boundaries because of my experiences in my family. It is so much harder when faced with a challenge outside of your comfort zone. By being passive in this particular relationship, I really was giving this person permission to walk all over me. And that wasn't right. It is okay for me - and you - to set up boundaries early on, and to confront another person when those boundaries are overstepped. For me, personally, I am hoping this whole situation will blow over quickly. With a new outline for us to follow, I am sure that this person and I can move on in this relationship amicably. There is always the chance that this person may be hurt or embarassed by what I had to say, but sometimes you need to call people on naughty behaviour. It wasn't right what happened, but because I said what I needed to say, I can feel myself forgiving this person. Having compassion for someone who wronged you can be a very powerful thing.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
The Dark Side of Change
When it comes to writing, I have a bad habit of only writing when I feel balanced. In this moment, I am going through a transformation … one that is feeling quite large and a bit unmanageable right now. I find that resisting the transformation was making it incredibly more difficult to deal with. I am now trying to allow the process to unfold without interfering. Some days I’m not sure if I can be strong enough to face the dark side of my spirituality – the side that shapeshifts, that turns everything I know out of me, changing my perceptions forever. How can I simply accept the fact that I am being changed forever, that everything that makes me who I am will be gone?
Well, perhaps not everything about me will change … but that is the hard part – not knowing what to expect.
For three years, I have been asking for freedom from anxiety, for direction in my life once the kids go to school, and for clarity of my life’s purpose. I’m beginning to think that my life’s purpose is just to live it, and that thought honestly makes me feel a little disappointed. Aren’t I meant to do something Big? Aren’t I meant to change peoples’ lives? Aren’t I meant to feel peace and harmony once I find this “life’s purpose”? For the most part of this period of discomfort I am going through, I have tossed my hands in the air asking, “What’s the point? What’s the point of being spiritual? What’s the point of trying so hard and I am seemingly getting Nowhere?”
The only one of my beliefs that seems to be sticking for me right now is one that my mother taught me when I was very young: The Golden Rule ~ Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be nice to people. Give them something of yourself – a smile, a hand on the shoulder, a laugh. That gentle consideration of others that is often lacking in our world, because of insecurity, fear, weakness.
What began this transformation was, of course, the Sound Healing workshop I attended a few weeks ago. After the workshop was over, I felt compelled to thank Danielea ~ I didn’t know what I was thanking her for, and I still don’t. After a few days, I think I realized that I was only at the beginning of something much larger, and the darkness set in pretty quickly. It was only a few days ago that I finally asked for guidance, ending my resistance to this change. I pulled one of the Mayan Oracle Cards and was blown away by what I chose. CAUAC - You are entering into a time of profound quickening and transformation . You have come to the edge of what you have known yourself to be. Cauac beckons you to step into a fire that changes every level of your being, even the underlying structures of your life. Step into the unknown - your metamorphosis has begun!
I am finding it incredibly challenging to write about this at a time where I have no resolution or reason for the emotions I’m feeling. But perhaps that is part of the process of change ... for me, there is no better way to own up to how I'm feeling than writing on this blog.
If anyone else has stories of transformation, I would love to hear them ... I am asking for guidance and help with all of this, because I feel incredibly overwhelmed right now.
In Gratitude ~ Nicole
The only one of my beliefs that seems to be sticking for me right now is one that my mother taught me when I was very young: The Golden Rule ~ Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be nice to people. Give them something of yourself – a smile, a hand on the shoulder, a laugh. That gentle consideration of others that is often lacking in our world, because of insecurity, fear, weakness.
What began this transformation was, of course, the Sound Healing workshop I attended a few weeks ago. After the workshop was over, I felt compelled to thank Danielea ~ I didn’t know what I was thanking her for, and I still don’t. After a few days, I think I realized that I was only at the beginning of something much larger, and the darkness set in pretty quickly. It was only a few days ago that I finally asked for guidance, ending my resistance to this change. I pulled one of the Mayan Oracle Cards and was blown away by what I chose. CAUAC - You are entering into a time of profound quickening and transformation . You have come to the edge of what you have known yourself to be. Cauac beckons you to step into a fire that changes every level of your being, even the underlying structures of your life. Step into the unknown - your metamorphosis has begun!
I am finding it incredibly challenging to write about this at a time where I have no resolution or reason for the emotions I’m feeling. But perhaps that is part of the process of change ... for me, there is no better way to own up to how I'm feeling than writing on this blog.
If anyone else has stories of transformation, I would love to hear them ... I am asking for guidance and help with all of this, because I feel incredibly overwhelmed right now.
In Gratitude ~ Nicole
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Sound Healing
I was recently blessed to attend a workshop hosted by Danielea Castell. (She came all the way to Quesnel!) Her company name is One Conscious Voice – if you are interested in learning more, please check out her website: www.oneconsciousvoice.com/
I am not even sure where to begin in describing the experience I had in this workshop. I look back on it now, and in each moment I remember thinking “Well, this isn’t very significant” or “Shouldn’t I be feeling more?” … thoughts like these circulated in my mind throughout the course of the evening. At the end I went to thank Danielea, and I felt as though I were thanking her for something that was going to occur in the future. Something that has not manifested yet, but is slowly being put into action inside of me. She knew, without words to hug me, enveloping me with a sense of peace, love and understanding.
The sounds brought me together as one with both Mother Earth (Gaia) and Father Sky (Cosmos) … a beautiful meditation we were guided through. As I connected to Father Sky, it is almost as though I surrendered my voice, my spirit, my body to the Cosmos. My voice was no longer mine, but a buzzing droning sound … a sound that made me feel happy and sad, irritated and relaxed, elated and mournful ~ all at exactly the same time. I honestly did feel like the Divine Child … I really was taken to that place of naiveté, innocence and Oneness. Strangely enough, I felt no peace in this place, just a sense of movement, change, and growth. What has changed in me, I do not yet know. I feel as though I know so little, being exposed to something so vast …
Time is ripening the gifts that were exchanged, and the next morning I felt like I was finally coming down from the buzzing energy. Sound can change a person. Especially when you are the person making that sound, with intent and with passion.
Revelations were certainly had during the night, allowing me to weep, allowing me to let go of my earthly cares, allowing me to come back to the place of nothingness. Perhaps that is why I felt discomfort at times. Perhaps that is why I felt a loss at times. After feeling such a huge sense of connection, why do I feel so lost and confused now? Where does one go after facing the nothingness?
I am not even sure where to begin in describing the experience I had in this workshop. I look back on it now, and in each moment I remember thinking “Well, this isn’t very significant” or “Shouldn’t I be feeling more?” … thoughts like these circulated in my mind throughout the course of the evening. At the end I went to thank Danielea, and I felt as though I were thanking her for something that was going to occur in the future. Something that has not manifested yet, but is slowly being put into action inside of me. She knew, without words to hug me, enveloping me with a sense of peace, love and understanding.
The sounds brought me together as one with both Mother Earth (Gaia) and Father Sky (Cosmos) … a beautiful meditation we were guided through. As I connected to Father Sky, it is almost as though I surrendered my voice, my spirit, my body to the Cosmos. My voice was no longer mine, but a buzzing droning sound … a sound that made me feel happy and sad, irritated and relaxed, elated and mournful ~ all at exactly the same time. I honestly did feel like the Divine Child … I really was taken to that place of naiveté, innocence and Oneness. Strangely enough, I felt no peace in this place, just a sense of movement, change, and growth. What has changed in me, I do not yet know. I feel as though I know so little, being exposed to something so vast …
Time is ripening the gifts that were exchanged, and the next morning I felt like I was finally coming down from the buzzing energy. Sound can change a person. Especially when you are the person making that sound, with intent and with passion.
Revelations were certainly had during the night, allowing me to weep, allowing me to let go of my earthly cares, allowing me to come back to the place of nothingness. Perhaps that is why I felt discomfort at times. Perhaps that is why I felt a loss at times. After feeling such a huge sense of connection, why do I feel so lost and confused now? Where does one go after facing the nothingness?
Friday, May 14, 2010
Creating Change
There is something I need to learn about stagnancy. It seems as though everyone and everything around me is moving, doing, taking action. I feel as though I am in the eye of the storm where all is calm and still, yet just outside of this tiny world I'm in, there is a perfect chaos taking over. A chaos understood, and even planned by our beautiful Universe.
People come in and out of my life, teaching me, embracing what I have to offer, and then some of them leave. Some of the people I've met since I moved here have been exceptional, phenomenal people. People who I grew to love and accept wholly into my life as dear dear friends. Friendships that will last the rest of our lives. Please don't misunderstand ~ I am not complaining, or feeling sorry for myself. I am just trying to embrace the situation that is consistently being presented to me in this place.
Quesnel is an interesting place. What I've noticed is that the people who move here are confronted by what they first perceive as a wall ~ a wall of judgement and ... almost .... persecution. It is a stigma that is often laid upon small towns that is sometimes deserved, and sometimes not. Quesnel is not what it appears to be on the surface. There are many many people here searching for something so much bigger. Inevitably there are always comments about how in a town like this, we can't expect to have a worldly frame of mind, because anything "different" will get you stoned or cast out. As outsiders, we perpetuate that story, allowing it to partially dictate what we do, what we say and how we act while living here. The best thing that a person can do is to be themselves, speak freely, and offer their knowledge and previous experiences to the collective. Everything changes, we all change, we all move in, move on, move up, and move out. When you not only embrace change, but make change, you are truly servicing your community.
Next month marks our fourth year living in Quesnel, and it is amazing to me how much this place has challenged and changed me. What I have come to realize in the past year is that Quesnel, and perhaps any place, is truly a blank canvas. I can have access to anything I want here ... but it is up to me to publicly announce what I would like to see ... and at times I have been the one to add something new to the community. I have had to step out of my personal comfort zone, roll up my sleeves and start a Mom to Mom Support Group. I have told strangers about my postpartum anxiety. My friend and I have put on workshops about spirituality ~ this was something that pushed me immediately outside of my comfort zone. But those workshops represented something larger than us ... I see now that more and more energy is building for spirituality, creative expression, yoga, sound healing and more. It is amazing to see the changes that are taking place, and I am honoured to witness them.
One of the rewards of living in a small town is that you have the opportunity to help build a foundation that gives a place its' character. For me personally, I am working on making peace with the stagnancy that I am being challenged with. I sometimes feel as though I am firmly rooted here, with no thoughts to leave, and if I can embrace my groundedness, I can be a very strong support for others. Perhaps I am a bridge for many people, a connection, a safe passage through a challenging situation. And that is something I believe I can enjoy offering to those kindred spirits who weave in and out of my life.
With Gratitude, Nicole
People come in and out of my life, teaching me, embracing what I have to offer, and then some of them leave. Some of the people I've met since I moved here have been exceptional, phenomenal people. People who I grew to love and accept wholly into my life as dear dear friends. Friendships that will last the rest of our lives. Please don't misunderstand ~ I am not complaining, or feeling sorry for myself. I am just trying to embrace the situation that is consistently being presented to me in this place.
Quesnel is an interesting place. What I've noticed is that the people who move here are confronted by what they first perceive as a wall ~ a wall of judgement and ... almost .... persecution. It is a stigma that is often laid upon small towns that is sometimes deserved, and sometimes not. Quesnel is not what it appears to be on the surface. There are many many people here searching for something so much bigger. Inevitably there are always comments about how in a town like this, we can't expect to have a worldly frame of mind, because anything "different" will get you stoned or cast out. As outsiders, we perpetuate that story, allowing it to partially dictate what we do, what we say and how we act while living here. The best thing that a person can do is to be themselves, speak freely, and offer their knowledge and previous experiences to the collective. Everything changes, we all change, we all move in, move on, move up, and move out. When you not only embrace change, but make change, you are truly servicing your community.
Next month marks our fourth year living in Quesnel, and it is amazing to me how much this place has challenged and changed me. What I have come to realize in the past year is that Quesnel, and perhaps any place, is truly a blank canvas. I can have access to anything I want here ... but it is up to me to publicly announce what I would like to see ... and at times I have been the one to add something new to the community. I have had to step out of my personal comfort zone, roll up my sleeves and start a Mom to Mom Support Group. I have told strangers about my postpartum anxiety. My friend and I have put on workshops about spirituality ~ this was something that pushed me immediately outside of my comfort zone. But those workshops represented something larger than us ... I see now that more and more energy is building for spirituality, creative expression, yoga, sound healing and more. It is amazing to see the changes that are taking place, and I am honoured to witness them.
One of the rewards of living in a small town is that you have the opportunity to help build a foundation that gives a place its' character. For me personally, I am working on making peace with the stagnancy that I am being challenged with. I sometimes feel as though I am firmly rooted here, with no thoughts to leave, and if I can embrace my groundedness, I can be a very strong support for others. Perhaps I am a bridge for many people, a connection, a safe passage through a challenging situation. And that is something I believe I can enjoy offering to those kindred spirits who weave in and out of my life.
With Gratitude, Nicole
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