Mentally preparing for a long long journey ...

I am feeling pretty nervous about leaving husband & the kids for a week. I am trying not to think about it. But my girl is feeling sick today, and I leave the day after tomorrow! But husband can handle it. Honestly, it would probably be easier for him if she were feeling under the weather! Whatever happens here while I'm gone will be under control.

Maybe I am too much in control. Am I feeling nervous because I have to let go a little? I am feeling sick in my stomach just writing this, so that's probably exactly what it is.

This is going to be good for me. A long trip all by myself. Then I get to help make a wedding cake!!! It is a dream of mine to work in a bakery. So I get to live it out a little. And my younger sister is getting married! It's such a wonderful thing. I really like her fiance too. He is just perfect for her. All in all, I'm expecting to have a great trip! I think I'm looking forward to the 12 hour train ride the most though. What a unique (and cheap) way to travel! I'm also looking forward to spending a little time on the beach. I love the ocean.

On to the Next Thing ...

The craft fair went well this weekend. My mom and I had lots of time to talk and enjoy each others' company. And we had so much fun! We learned a lot for next year too ... I think next year will be very successful for us. I was approached to do cookie platters between Dec 12 - 24 ... but I'm not sure if I'll have time.

Because I am onto my next thing. My younger sister's wedding - and leaving the kids alone for a week with Daddy! We are both feeling nervous about that, but I know that it will all work out just fine. It's just that I'll miss them so much.

I have to say I am looking forward to having a bunch of time to myself though. A 12 hour train ride ... I might even have time to read an entire book!!! And maybe I'll get to meditate. I need this time to myself.

I can't believe my little sister is getting married. Her guy is lucky to have her, and she is lucky to have him. They truly balance each other out, and sometimes you need someone who is your complete opposite to do that. They were meant for each other.

I have been really quite busy since Halloween! My mom & I are preparing for a craft fair this weekend, and I'm sooo excited about it! We have wanted to enter a craft fair for the past four years, but haven't, due to circumstances beyond our control. I have been baking like a crazy woman, and I have to say - I am loving the busyness of it. In January I will be starting a support group for Moms. It is so desparately needed here. There is so much I want to do. There is this big person that I've always wanted to be, and now I'm just doing it. It is scary, but I'm doing it. I think that my year of anxiety really put things into perspective. It awoke something in me. And now all I have to do is ensure it doesn't fall asleep again!!!

New Beginnings

The Halloween ritual went very well. I made a commitment to let go of certain emotions and patterns that are holding me back. I wish to let go of fear, anxiety, doubt, and judgement.

I am ready to welcome so many good things into my life. I am going to be much more aware of my inner dialogue, that running commentary. I think I have become so accustomed to it, that I've not questioned my thoughts enough. Especially with judging others. It is so easy to be on the outside looking in to someone's world and someone's problems. It is a coward's path, and I'm trying to change direction. I am ready.

I am ready to freefall. I am ready to welcome in new opportunities and new life. (Don't get me wrong about the new life - No more babies for me!)

When will you take a chance?

Worth It.

I am the hillside next to an expanding highway. I am raped of citizen trees. I am the bare, raw earth begging for survival. But upon my scarred flesh newness will thrive. I will survive, and I will grow.

I reached a milestone today. I realized that I am no longer in the center of the black pit of post partum anxiety. I look back and I can see that I've come a long long way. I used to get angry, frustrated and anxious so easily, but now I can relax and be myself and play with my kids. I feel better than I did. There was a time when I thought I would never feel better. I do feel better. I don't feel perfect, and I don't think I ever will. I know I'll probably encounter many more struggles in my life, but now I know that life is a process. I am here to learn.

I want to give my whole story, but there simply isn't room for it here. My advice to women struggling to deal with depression or anxiety is this:

FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

YOU ARE NOT EVER ALONE.

ASK FOR HELP.

GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR WHAT YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED.

Mothers are saints. We give so much of ourselves, and don't often receive the gratitude we deserve, or the recognition we desire.

So here is to the newness of life. Every day is a new beginning with new possibilities. I'm happy to have turned a page in my personal book of life. And I can't wait to see what's on the next page.

@%#*$*%!!!

I feel a little off balance today. I suppose that's what a toddler birthday party can do to a person. But I think it's more than that. I'm taking on a lot this winter, including going on a week long trip for my sister's wedding. And I'm leaving my kids and husband at home. I am so terrified of doing this, but I absolutely must go to my sister's wedding. And the trip is just too long for the children; it wouldn't be fair.

It will be best to take it one day at a time. I'm just concerned about maintaining a connectedness while all of this is happening. I will really have to make an effort to take time out for myself.

I went to the most beautiful harp concert the other night. I felt as though I was transported back in time... the most beautiful music I have ever heard.

I truly do love this time of year ... especially Winter Solstice. But Halloween comes first. Can't wait for that ...

Just for today, do not Judge

I have been feeling pretty good lately. But since I started feeling better, it seems as though a few people around me have been acting wierd. I feel like people are trying to put me in my place, back where I was. But I'm not going backward anymore, sorry. I am trying to move forward, trying to enjoy my life, as it is. I admit, I may have overstepped some boundaries, but I am allowed to make mistakes. And I am equally entitled to recover from those mistakes, even if those around me don't want to forgive.

It is okay to forgive. It is okay to be forgiven. There is no shame in making mistakes. There is no shame in saying the wrong thing if you can explain yourself later. Did I explain myself well?

Perhaps now that I am feeling better I'm trying to put a shine on things. Trying to "fix" people without permission. Not saying that I am perfect. I'll never be perfect, there is always something to worry about. I do worry about stepping on peoples' toes. But if I'm starting a support group, I'd better learn how to listen to people, and to accept them for who they are. I need to chase my judgemental behavior away.

My mantra for the next few weeks: Just For Today Do Not Judge