Becoming a Woman

There was a time when I found that I was constantly searching for answers about myself.  There was a time when I had no idea what emotions were bubbling under the surface of my own skin.  And there was also a time when I thought that my own truth might lie within someone else.  I know now that all of these were small pathways to the larger picture of where I walk today. 

It seems like it was an awfully long time ago that I was such a different person.  A girl who was searching to be a woman ~ strong, courageous, wise and worldly.  A search that seemed like it would take a lifetime to achieve.  I was wanting so badly for it all to happen at once ~ a grand and staged event where people would all gather to say "Wow!  Look at Nicole ... she is now a woman, worldly and wise".  I even sometimes thought of myself as being filled with wisdom, but I never shared it for lack of confidence.  At the time, I felt that I was confident because I never really cared what other people thought of me ... which led me to grand self-expression.  Different hair colours (all colours of the rainbow), piercings (septum and tongue), Tattoos accumulated over the transition from teenager to young adult, and clothes sourced out from thrift stores ~ as long as it was dramatic enough. 

Even amongst all of my material world, I had a vast and private life, and looking back on it now I think that perhaps I was protecting someone inside myself who was much more sensitive and naive and quiet than my outside persona.  For me, there has always been this internal tug-of-war between my introverted self and my extroverted self.  There were times when I wished I could be bold, outgoing and fun ~ the life of the party!  These were the times when I could dress up in crazy, attention-grabbing outfits, and go out with friends for drinks and dancing.  I looked confident, but I was always anxious and desperate for something more on the inside.   Other times I just wanted to hole up in a cave, invoking comforting energies, hoping for Wicca to make my life more dramatic.  I now understand that there is a great gift that lies within patience and subtlety.

 The truth is, it takes a long time to figure out how to become a woman.  It takes experience in all avenues of life. It takes great girlfriends and terrible girlfriends.  It takes jerk boyfriends, nice boyfriends, bad boy- boyfriends, and "forever" boyfriends.  It takes time.  It takes patience.  It takes love, over all things, but first of all we have to love ourselves.  It takes milestones.  It takes long periods of boredom.  It takes time.  And it also takes guidance from other, older women who know what you're going through.  It takes finding a role model and watching her for a while, listening to her stories, and also supporting her. 

 I don't know when it happened.  There really isn't any one event that made me realize I had begun to reach my wishes.  I recognize now that it truly is about the journey, and that there might not be a particular place you are supposed to get to.  I understand there will be times when I have no energy for anyone but me.  I understand there will be times when I lose my temper, when I will need to grieve alone, when I will simply need space from all the people in my life who need me. There will most definitely be rough times ahead, this I understand.  I think what changes over time is the way in which we approach challenge, at least for me this is true. 

Faith

Sometimes faith is all we have, and we feel like we are hanging on by a thread ... but releasing those self-imposed limits can lighten you completely and then Faith will allow you to Fly!

With Love, Nicole

Yandara Yoga Review ~ Part Three

Ganesha, Remover of Obstacles

To me, Yandara's program set me up to gain the confidence, self-worth and connection I needed in order to truly become a yoga teacher.  I now feel qualified, and not just because I have a certificate in my hand, but because they guided me through the process of accepting myself.  I know that everyone in my group probably had a different experience, but this was mine.

As we went into the first week, we were advised that we would be going through the layers of ourselves.  We would focus on the chakras one by one, again going through layers.  We had Satya or Truth Circles every other day, where we went through our emotional layers.  Everything we did in that first week ~ Asana class, meditation, pranayama, qi gong, even sitting down to eat breakfast in silence ~ focused on working our way through our beliefs, fears and judgements.  It certainly wasn't always easy working my way through all the things I have built up in my mind.  But it sure was liberating to feel that I made some great gains towards a freedom I haven't experienced since before I had kids.  Our instructors had obviously gone through this experience, and it showed through the ways that they each supported us.  They also seemed to know the process well enough to predict when one of us might need additional support, and had the wisdom to offer that support in a gentle, loving way. 

I personally experienced several shifts in my awareness, and there is one experience in particular that I'd like to share ...

We were working on the solar plexus chakra quite a lot, through being asked to dance alone in the middle of a circle of nearly 30 people, to quietly meditating in that space, to being asked to accept ourselves for who we truly are.  The solar plexus chakra is all about self-worth, self-acceptance, personal power, and our sense of belonging.  It is also the area where I was holding anxiety.  It happened during asana class.  We had just gone through a standing/twisting series, and when I came up to standing I felt really dizzy.  I just stood there with it for a moment, but the feeling seemed to linger ... everything around me slowed right down, but seemed shaky and unreal at the same time.  Then I felt a vibration coming from deep within my solar plexus, and it went right through the chakra ~ I could actually feel it!  It came out of me like a shockwave, and I literally saw ripples cascading out of my energetic body and into the physical scene in front of me.  It was an amazing feeling of breakthrough for me, as I had been trying to work through those issues of self-acceptance and self-worth for so long.  Perhaps my issue was that I never truly accepted myself for who and what I was during those difficult times just three short years ago.  When the experience was finished, I just continued with the asana class, and when that class was over I felt different.  I no longer felt myself holding tightly in the solar plexus ... I felt lighter in all ways, and calm and ... at peace.  When I started this blog I titled it "Woman At Peace" as a future hope ... a seed that I planted and nurtured and loved.  I know there will always be work that must be done, but I feel so much gratitude for this feeling.

During the time of all this deep personal work, I did cry a lot ... I would say several times a day. I wasn't sad, I was crying tears of gratitude, acceptance, and unconditional love. Just being in contact with these feelings is life changing. There was nourishment everywhere ... from the beautiful yogis who attended class beside me, offering a hug or a kind word or a smile. The cooks offering amazing food to nourish our hard working bodies ~ always fresh, delicious and vegetarian. The ocean, constant with sound and movement ~ a visit to her waves was always greeted with joy and a feeling of smallness and greatness at the same time. Yandara is truly a magical place.  I don't know if I will ever have to opportunity to go back to the Yandara in Mexico, but I do know that when I teach yoga, I feel Yandara all over again.

Whenever you begin to work on your issues, ingrained habits and behaviours, always finish with an intention, or a vision, of what you want your life to look like.  There is a real power in setting an intention ... they eventually always come to fruition.  When you stop and take notice of that fruition, you give yourself Faith.  Faith can heal the whole world.  Faith in people, Faith in yourself, Faith in God or the Universe, Goddess or Godd"Us" (as April of Jaya had said) Allah, Buddha, Mother Mary, or whomever you resonate with. 

Treasures from Todos Santos

While I was in Mexico, I met a very nice man named Ivan who was selling handmade jewellery in the plaza across from the church. He had a big cloth spread out on the grass, and many amazing pieces ~ most of which included beautiful stones and crystals. Some of which I actually didn't recognize. One of the things I have a great passion for is stones. Always have, since I was a child. I ended up purchasing an amazing Labradorite bracelet, and Ivan gifted to me an Orthoceras pendant.  

The Orthoceras is a curious stone, and I had never seen it before.  He told me it was ancient, full of wisdom.  Only today have I been researching it's qualities.  All I know is that it is curious, unusual, and it seems to have a primal energy to it.  I have since discovered that it is a fossilized mollusk, and is the ancestor of the modern day squid. 

On a spiritual level, Orthoceras allows for recognition of accomplishments.  This stone can stimulate the thymus ... the thymus is the "educator" for the T-cells in our bodies that fight foreign substances.  It is all so fascinating to me.  It is amazing to feel the power of such a stone, knowing that it carries some of Mother Earth's secrets, and that it could truly help us.  That is why I rarely leave the house without a stone or a crystal.  I simply love the energy of them.

 This is the Labradorite bracelet ... Ivan told me the stone was his favourite, and it is from Canada.  It really resonated with me, and I just knew it was for me when I saw it.  Apparently, Labradorite can be found in meteorites - how cool is that?!  According to an Eskimo legend, the Northern Lights were once imprisoned in the rocks along the coast of Labrador. It is told that a wandering Eskimo warrior found them and was able to free most of the lights with a mighty blow of his spear. Some of the lights were still trapped within the stone, and thus we have today the beautiful mineral known as labradorite.

This is what else I discovered about Labradorite:

 

- a highly mystical and protective stone, a bringer of light

- deflects unwanted energies from the aura and prevents energy leakage

- clears, balances and protects the aura

- strengthens intuition

- calms an overactive mind and energizes the imagination, bringing up new ideas (perfect for writer's block!)

There is so much to learn about the complex planet we live on, and I figure that my part is to enjoy and appreciate everything I can about her.  I believe it is the energy that you tune into that will help you heal yourself, and ultimately, the Earth. 

Resources:  "The Crystal Bible" - by Judy Hall;  "The Encyclopedia of Crystals" - by Judy Hall

Middle of the Night

In the middle of the night there is a sound that occurs.

It wakes no one.

In fact, it puts them to sleep with the reverberating silence that it makes.

A peaceful sound, but to me it is unending, deafening, loudly interfering with my own peace of mind.

It is the sound of my inner voice, and yet the Universe, all at once.

It creates, it destroys, and it tortures one with the idea that Change is really All. There. Is.

Like the soft, white blanket of snow outside my window, it should insulate me ...

But taken in the wrong context it is cold, unforgiving, and slippery underneath.

Is there one thing that could ease this landscape in my mind? 

Anything?

Anything at all?

I look to my heart for answers and it is painful.

But the pain comes from resisting the truth of the answer.

Nothingness is not all it appears to be.  I know this.

It is the gateway to possibility.

It is the pure potential you hear about.

It is all a matter of perception, they say.

 ~Written by Nicole Aracki

Yandara Yoga Institute ~ Review Part Two

I must apologize for the length of time it has taken me to write this next part of my Yandara review!  Life has been busy around here, with the kids, running, yoga and figuring out my classes ... not to mention the challenge of integrating everything I learned at Yandara into my "householder" life! 

Being at Yandara was a gift in so many ways.  I learned so much about listening to my own body, and understanding what it means to do so.  It was important to me to use my special time at Yandara to truly get a taste of Yoga, or Union.  For me, the way to Union was through meditation, and I was given plenty of opportunity to get there.  Sitting on the floor almost all day was difficult during those first few days, but once I got used to it, I was able to really feel that silence during meditation.  Something happens when you tell your body what it must do, and that there is no way out of it.  Over time, your body begins to either accept the discomfort, or it finds a way to be comfortable.  We were shown many different methods of meditation, pranayama and asana, and there were a number of things I had not experienced before.  Kate and Shane have experienced so many different ways of practicing Yoga, and listening to their background stories was inspiring.  They were both very honest with us about the practices, which I greatly appreciated.  Kate had said, many times, that because we would only be together for a short time, they were trying to offer us absolutely everything that they had. 

Some of those lessons are still sinking in, and some of them are ingrained already.

Yandara is very near to the ocean.  It was only a few minutes to walk to it from my tent, and there were some mornings that the waves were crashing so loud it was like a thunderstorm overhead.  Except during the full moon.  The ocean was completely calm then.  There were many mornings towards the end of the training that I awoke at 4:00am, not able to fall asleep again for the waves were calling me.  I would walk to the beach in the dark and just feel myself being there.  On one night, in particular, the moon overhead was hidden by strange black clouds, and as they shifted the water would change ... from inky darkness to a shimmering black and silver liquid.  The moonlight spilling herself onto the great expanse of water.  And me, absorbing that feeling, knowing that I would have to go home soon.  I like to think that the feeling will be reserved inside of me for all of my life, waiting for me to draw upon it. 

You could see the ocean from the main pavilion, where we spent most of our time.  Some mornings we could see whales making morning rounds.  There were always birds chirping, and huge bees buzzing around.  And the cacti are unreal.  And all of this is part of Yandara's magic, because you see it and feel it more clearly.  My own personal sentiments about nature were amplified by Sarasvati, when we would do walking meditations on the beach.  She would remind us to allow nature to draw us into the present ....


The grounds were meticulously cared for, the food, as I have mentioned, was amazing, the bathrooms were clean, and the showers were always hot.  I only have one complaint, and that is:  I didn't want to ever leave!

If you have questions about anything about yoga teacher training, Yandara, yoga in general  please send me an email ~ I would love to correspond with you!

Sat Nam, Nicole

Yandara Yoga Institute ~ Review Part One

I recently had the great pleasure and honour to attend Yandara Yoga in Todos Santos, Baja Mexico for their 16-day training.  Where do I begin to explain how wonderful my experience was?  I suppose I should start … from the start!  We arrived just before dinner, and had a brief orientation before choosing our new homes ~ good-sized tents that were placed mindfully around the property.  They had a firm single bed, a little nightstand, and a small lamp.  It was a lovely little haven to return to each night.  We had a quick dinner, vegetarian and absolutely delicious.  Then it was time for Satsang … All the instructors were there:  Craig, Allison, Sarasvati, Shane Christopher, Kate, Amber and Shawna.  They gave us a brief orientation and all introduced themselves.  Then it was time for kirtan!  We sang mantra and kirtan, and I was fully in my element.  The band Jaya will come nearly every night to lead the group in kirtan ~ this I am so incredibly excited about.

 

One thing I loved about being at Yandara for those 16 days was the mindful living.  They run on solar power, so every time I turned on that little lamp, I felt a connection to the sun and a deep welling of gratitude.  They have composting toilets, so all paper waste goes into a garbage bin.  I found myself just noticing how much paper we were using.  We all got to choose a karma yoga task ~ Susie and I chose boiling hot water for tea before class.  Karma yoga is meant to be performed by devoting the actions to someone in need, or to the group, or to the Universal Divine.  One performs a job very well when it is done in the name of someone else.  Each movement becomes mindful … meaningful. 

 

After that first day, everything truly is a blur.  The program is structured very carefully so that students can learn as much as possible, and no moment is wasted.  The first week, for me, was all about personal growth.  Our instructors, Sarasvati, Kate and Shane Christopher got us diving into all things yoga immediately.  I remember how tough Kate’s first asana class was, but how it completely took my headache away, and how much lighter I felt after we were done.  Shane Christopher seemed to have a mission to help us to shed the layers that were no longer serving us with meditation and movement.  And Sarasvati was so fully present with an unconditional loving, embracing and compassionate energy.  She truly is amazing.  The three of them together were a powerhouse of information, with deep personal experience to draw on.  I could feel the wisdom in the room.  I will go more into detail with all of this later, of course!

 

It definitely took a few days for everyone to get settled into the routine.  The schedule was packed every day:

6:30am – 9:00am Pranayama or Asana & Meditation

Every other day we had Discourse (philosophy) with Shane Christopher – which I loved!

9 – 9:30am Breakfast in Silence

9:30 – 12:30 Asana Breakdown (including Assists)

12:30 – 2:00pm Lunch

2:00- 4:00pm Teaching Practice

4:15 – 6:00pm  Asana Class / Satya Circle  (alternating)

6:00 – 7:30pm Dinner

7:30 – 9:15pm Satsang

 

I will get more into the details of my experience over the next few weeks ~ I have so much to share about this once in a lifetime opportunity!

 

Sending you love ~ Nicole