Accepting a Closing Door

When I first started this blog, over 4 years ago, I was a much different person.  I was raising two kids under the age of 2, and had one foot firmly planted in the role of exasperated Mother, while the big toe of the other foot was reaching and stretching to touch down into a more spiritual existence.  It was very difficult for me, the transition into Motherhood.  I put an awful lot of pressure on myself to be perfect, and at times, for my children to be perfect.  I had unrealistic expectations of what it meant to be a good Mom.  (I have earned the right to slowly shake my head at myself, with a knowing smile)  I did slowly learn over time that most times the best thing to do is let the kids run the show!  This could include:

• Letting the kids run around butt naked.
• Asking the kids questions that you don't think they can answer, and listening carefully to the wise things that they say.
• When running errands downtown, let your toddlers walk as slow as they want to. Bask in the joy they have for all Life. 
• Encourage the kids to get Dirty ~ mud, paint, playdough. 
• Then let them do water play in the kitchen sink. 

I spent a lot of time enjoying my kids, and have tried to be conscious that each phase the kids went through would soon pass.  I also try to let go of them a tiny bit at a time, as though I'm feeding my heart strings out, just a bit more, with every transition:  preschool, playdates, kindergarten, sleepovers ...  and when it feels like too much is happening at once, or they're growing up too fast, I make it a point to tell them that I love them and that I'm proud of them.  I tell them that I'll always love them.

Four years ago, I wanted so badly to find peace and calm, and to let go of the terrible anxiety that plagued me.  I suffered.  And then I punished myself for not being able to be "normal". This blog saved me, and helped me learn to accept myself, my situation at any given moment, and my new role as Mommy. I see now how terribly hard I was on myself.  But I will tell you honestly, I am so grateful for the opportunities I was given in the gift of those hard times.  I lived through those feelings and moments. I faced the darkest, most bitter, angry and frustrated version of myself, and I am okay now - and my kids are okay too.  When I had the kind of day that made me throw up my hands and surrender, that is when I truly started to touch on the lessons I was being taught.

Now that I am on the other side of that suffering, I rejoice every day, and revel in the loveliness of my life!  I feel so much better these days, and I'm reflecting today on the long journey that it's been from the start of this blog.  When I created the title "Woman At Peace", it was a faint wish, a signal to the Universe for what I wanted so badly.  I am so happy to report that I actually do feel at peace most days ... I feel happy, purposeful and connected.  I feel that I want to spread Joy and Love to as many people as I can, and I feel blessed that I can reach people through my yoga classes.  I feel privileged and honoured to be where I am, but I also know how hard I have worked to get to this place.  I read somewhere recently about the revelation of Bliss as being obvious ... and to a point, I agree with the idea of happiness being an effortless state.  However, one needs to be at a place in their mind and heart where they are free to enjoy that obvious state.  The best way that we can fully experience the state of bliss is by knowing what the opposite extreme feels like. Anger, fear, mistrust, frustration, anxiety, worry, sadness ... they are all portals to joy.

Now, it is with mixed feelings that I announce that I am finally wrapping up this blog.  I will still write, of course, but it will be on my new website:  www.nicolearacki.com
It has been an incredible journey, and I feel sadness at letting it go, but it is definitely time for me to move on.  I started this blog so that I could air my feelings through my writing, and so that I could have a record of the journey I was on.  You can still read the articles here, as I will not be disabling the blog.  Comments will still be open. 

Thank you to those who supported me just by reading.  Some of you I'll never meet, and I'll never even know that you read my blog, but I felt you on some level - I know I did.

The light in me sees the light in you ~ Namaste, Nicole

Expression

It has been a very long time since I last posted ... the summer seemed to fly by with the kids out of school and the sun shining brightly.  The summer rejuvenated my soul, and now that the first snow has come, I have begun my internal work once again.

I have been following Laura Hollick's Soul Art Studio Blog for several years now, taking advantage of her many free questionnaires, quizzes and weekly updates.  But now, for the first time, I am taking one of her paid journeys ~ the 11-Day Iconic Embodiment Journey.  A huge part of this journey is about externally expressing oneself, and though I'm only on Day #3, I already feel that something is stirring up inside of me.

Today's assignment was to express myself through dance ... and then to share it with others.  I hope that my courageousness encourages you to put yourself out there as well.  Let us become liberated together, shedding the layers of self-consciousness, shame, fear of judgement ... I say - Who Cares What Anybody Else Thinks?!  I know I don't ...

Have a beautiful Halloween and the most amazing Witches New Year ...

Overwhelmed

There has been a lot of crazy energy in the air lately, and it's not just me ... I feel like I hear about overwhelming situations so often now.  People dying, naturally and unnaturally.  Strange occurrences of car accidents, illnesses, diseases, fear, pain, anxiety and dread.  It seems that no one is untouched by the energetic shift that is happening, and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

I admit, I have been feeling quite dragged down myself for the last few months ... my daughter's bike accident that led to stitches and major dental work, our entire family being slammed with a flu/cold one after another (that means each of us, even me, was sick for 10 days), some really intense news about someone close to me, someone who has the Big C.  I truly hope that this bout of bad news is at least going to slow down for my family.  How strong can I be?  How much can I take? 

But perhaps the questions I am asking need to change.  How can I help?  Can I be stronger?  Can I be very patient?  What can I do?  I am not sure that I have faced so much challenge at one time.  It's almost as though I am being prepared for something.  I think this because of a factthat we are all aware of: that adversity makes us stronger. 

All I know for sure, at this moment, is that I can take my life one moment at a time.  And so I leave you with this beautiful quote:

"A lifetime is not what is between
the moments of birth and death.

A lifetime is one moment
Between my two little breaths.
The present, the here, the now,
That's all the life I get.
I live each moment in full,
In kindness, in peace, without regret."

Chade Meng, Taoist poet

Pelican Spirit Guides

Last night, I spotted a flock of pelicans from my living room window.  They were riding an air current together, and looked as though they were floating on water.  It was such an unusual sight to see here in the suburbs that I figured it must be the Universe, trying to get my attention.  In my favourite animal totem book "Animal Spirit Guides", by Steven Farmer, this is what it said:

"If PELICAN shows up:

This is an opportunity to forgive either yourself or someone else and release any built-up guilt or resentment. 
It's time to free yourself from whatever is weighing you down - whether possessions, emotions or mental strife.
Go ahead and take the plunge with respect to the opportunity that has recently presented itself.
Focus on cooperating with others, rather than competing, particularly concerning any project you're involved with right now.

Call on PELICAN when:

You're feeling resentful or angry toward someone and you want to release it and lighten up.
You're feeling overcome with heavy emotions and want to rise above them.
There's an opportunity before you that looks, sounds, and feels right, but you need to move on it soon and trust that it's the right choice.
You're faced with some trials and tribulations and need to keep your head held high."


If this speaks to you, and you do want to channel Pelican wisdom, here are some ways of doing so:

• Try visualizing Pelican in your mind.  Focus on details such as the way they fly, what they look like, particularly the shape of their wings and beaks.
• try simply speaking to Pelican in your mind:  Dear Pelican Spirit Guide, please help me to channel your wisdom so that I may forgive myself and others, free myself, and release my pent-up emotions
• Search Pelican on the internet, find an image you like and print it out ~ hang it somewhere that it can inspire you several times a day.

Light & Love, Nicole

Becoming a Woman

There was a time when I found that I was constantly searching for answers about myself.  There was a time when I had no idea what emotions were bubbling under the surface of my own skin.  And there was also a time when I thought that my own truth might lie within someone else.  I know now that all of these were small pathways to the larger picture of where I walk today. 

It seems like it was an awfully long time ago that I was such a different person.  A girl who was searching to be a woman ~ strong, courageous, wise and worldly.  A search that seemed like it would take a lifetime to achieve.  I was wanting so badly for it all to happen at once ~ a grand and staged event where people would all gather to say "Wow!  Look at Nicole ... she is now a woman, worldly and wise".  I even sometimes thought of myself as being filled with wisdom, but I never shared it for lack of confidence.  At the time, I felt that I was confident because I never really cared what other people thought of me ... which led me to grand self-expression.  Different hair colours (all colours of the rainbow), piercings (septum and tongue), Tattoos accumulated over the transition from teenager to young adult, and clothes sourced out from thrift stores ~ as long as it was dramatic enough. 

Even amongst all of my material world, I had a vast and private life, and looking back on it now I think that perhaps I was protecting someone inside myself who was much more sensitive and naive and quiet than my outside persona.  For me, there has always been this internal tug-of-war between my introverted self and my extroverted self.  There were times when I wished I could be bold, outgoing and fun ~ the life of the party!  These were the times when I could dress up in crazy, attention-grabbing outfits, and go out with friends for drinks and dancing.  I looked confident, but I was always anxious and desperate for something more on the inside.   Other times I just wanted to hole up in a cave, invoking comforting energies, hoping for Wicca to make my life more dramatic.  I now understand that there is a great gift that lies within patience and subtlety.

 The truth is, it takes a long time to figure out how to become a woman.  It takes experience in all avenues of life. It takes great girlfriends and terrible girlfriends.  It takes jerk boyfriends, nice boyfriends, bad boy- boyfriends, and "forever" boyfriends.  It takes time.  It takes patience.  It takes love, over all things, but first of all we have to love ourselves.  It takes milestones.  It takes long periods of boredom.  It takes time.  And it also takes guidance from other, older women who know what you're going through.  It takes finding a role model and watching her for a while, listening to her stories, and also supporting her. 

 I don't know when it happened.  There really isn't any one event that made me realize I had begun to reach my wishes.  I recognize now that it truly is about the journey, and that there might not be a particular place you are supposed to get to.  I understand there will be times when I have no energy for anyone but me.  I understand there will be times when I lose my temper, when I will need to grieve alone, when I will simply need space from all the people in my life who need me. There will most definitely be rough times ahead, this I understand.  I think what changes over time is the way in which we approach challenge, at least for me this is true. 

Faith

Sometimes faith is all we have, and we feel like we are hanging on by a thread ... but releasing those self-imposed limits can lighten you completely and then Faith will allow you to Fly!

With Love, Nicole

Yandara Yoga Review ~ Part Three

Ganesha, Remover of Obstacles

To me, Yandara's program set me up to gain the confidence, self-worth and connection I needed in order to truly become a yoga teacher.  I now feel qualified, and not just because I have a certificate in my hand, but because they guided me through the process of accepting myself.  I know that everyone in my group probably had a different experience, but this was mine.

As we went into the first week, we were advised that we would be going through the layers of ourselves.  We would focus on the chakras one by one, again going through layers.  We had Satya or Truth Circles every other day, where we went through our emotional layers.  Everything we did in that first week ~ Asana class, meditation, pranayama, qi gong, even sitting down to eat breakfast in silence ~ focused on working our way through our beliefs, fears and judgements.  It certainly wasn't always easy working my way through all the things I have built up in my mind.  But it sure was liberating to feel that I made some great gains towards a freedom I haven't experienced since before I had kids.  Our instructors had obviously gone through this experience, and it showed through the ways that they each supported us.  They also seemed to know the process well enough to predict when one of us might need additional support, and had the wisdom to offer that support in a gentle, loving way. 

I personally experienced several shifts in my awareness, and there is one experience in particular that I'd like to share ...

We were working on the solar plexus chakra quite a lot, through being asked to dance alone in the middle of a circle of nearly 30 people, to quietly meditating in that space, to being asked to accept ourselves for who we truly are.  The solar plexus chakra is all about self-worth, self-acceptance, personal power, and our sense of belonging.  It is also the area where I was holding anxiety.  It happened during asana class.  We had just gone through a standing/twisting series, and when I came up to standing I felt really dizzy.  I just stood there with it for a moment, but the feeling seemed to linger ... everything around me slowed right down, but seemed shaky and unreal at the same time.  Then I felt a vibration coming from deep within my solar plexus, and it went right through the chakra ~ I could actually feel it!  It came out of me like a shockwave, and I literally saw ripples cascading out of my energetic body and into the physical scene in front of me.  It was an amazing feeling of breakthrough for me, as I had been trying to work through those issues of self-acceptance and self-worth for so long.  Perhaps my issue was that I never truly accepted myself for who and what I was during those difficult times just three short years ago.  When the experience was finished, I just continued with the asana class, and when that class was over I felt different.  I no longer felt myself holding tightly in the solar plexus ... I felt lighter in all ways, and calm and ... at peace.  When I started this blog I titled it "Woman At Peace" as a future hope ... a seed that I planted and nurtured and loved.  I know there will always be work that must be done, but I feel so much gratitude for this feeling.

During the time of all this deep personal work, I did cry a lot ... I would say several times a day. I wasn't sad, I was crying tears of gratitude, acceptance, and unconditional love. Just being in contact with these feelings is life changing. There was nourishment everywhere ... from the beautiful yogis who attended class beside me, offering a hug or a kind word or a smile. The cooks offering amazing food to nourish our hard working bodies ~ always fresh, delicious and vegetarian. The ocean, constant with sound and movement ~ a visit to her waves was always greeted with joy and a feeling of smallness and greatness at the same time. Yandara is truly a magical place.  I don't know if I will ever have to opportunity to go back to the Yandara in Mexico, but I do know that when I teach yoga, I feel Yandara all over again.

Whenever you begin to work on your issues, ingrained habits and behaviours, always finish with an intention, or a vision, of what you want your life to look like.  There is a real power in setting an intention ... they eventually always come to fruition.  When you stop and take notice of that fruition, you give yourself Faith.  Faith can heal the whole world.  Faith in people, Faith in yourself, Faith in God or the Universe, Goddess or Godd"Us" (as April of Jaya had said) Allah, Buddha, Mother Mary, or whomever you resonate with. 

Treasures from Todos Santos

While I was in Mexico, I met a very nice man named Ivan who was selling handmade jewellery in the plaza across from the church. He had a big cloth spread out on the grass, and many amazing pieces ~ most of which included beautiful stones and crystals. Some of which I actually didn't recognize. One of the things I have a great passion for is stones. Always have, since I was a child. I ended up purchasing an amazing Labradorite bracelet, and Ivan gifted to me an Orthoceras pendant.  

The Orthoceras is a curious stone, and I had never seen it before.  He told me it was ancient, full of wisdom.  Only today have I been researching it's qualities.  All I know is that it is curious, unusual, and it seems to have a primal energy to it.  I have since discovered that it is a fossilized mollusk, and is the ancestor of the modern day squid. 

On a spiritual level, Orthoceras allows for recognition of accomplishments.  This stone can stimulate the thymus ... the thymus is the "educator" for the T-cells in our bodies that fight foreign substances.  It is all so fascinating to me.  It is amazing to feel the power of such a stone, knowing that it carries some of Mother Earth's secrets, and that it could truly help us.  That is why I rarely leave the house without a stone or a crystal.  I simply love the energy of them.

 This is the Labradorite bracelet ... Ivan told me the stone was his favourite, and it is from Canada.  It really resonated with me, and I just knew it was for me when I saw it.  Apparently, Labradorite can be found in meteorites - how cool is that?!  According to an Eskimo legend, the Northern Lights were once imprisoned in the rocks along the coast of Labrador. It is told that a wandering Eskimo warrior found them and was able to free most of the lights with a mighty blow of his spear. Some of the lights were still trapped within the stone, and thus we have today the beautiful mineral known as labradorite.

This is what else I discovered about Labradorite:

 

- a highly mystical and protective stone, a bringer of light

- deflects unwanted energies from the aura and prevents energy leakage

- clears, balances and protects the aura

- strengthens intuition

- calms an overactive mind and energizes the imagination, bringing up new ideas (perfect for writer's block!)

There is so much to learn about the complex planet we live on, and I figure that my part is to enjoy and appreciate everything I can about her.  I believe it is the energy that you tune into that will help you heal yourself, and ultimately, the Earth. 

Resources:  "The Crystal Bible" - by Judy Hall;  "The Encyclopedia of Crystals" - by Judy Hall

Middle of the Night

In the middle of the night there is a sound that occurs.

It wakes no one.

In fact, it puts them to sleep with the reverberating silence that it makes.

A peaceful sound, but to me it is unending, deafening, loudly interfering with my own peace of mind.

It is the sound of my inner voice, and yet the Universe, all at once.

It creates, it destroys, and it tortures one with the idea that Change is really All. There. Is.

Like the soft, white blanket of snow outside my window, it should insulate me ...

But taken in the wrong context it is cold, unforgiving, and slippery underneath.

Is there one thing that could ease this landscape in my mind? 

Anything?

Anything at all?

I look to my heart for answers and it is painful.

But the pain comes from resisting the truth of the answer.

Nothingness is not all it appears to be.  I know this.

It is the gateway to possibility.

It is the pure potential you hear about.

It is all a matter of perception, they say.

 ~Written by Nicole Aracki

Yandara Yoga Institute ~ Review Part Two

I must apologize for the length of time it has taken me to write this next part of my Yandara review!  Life has been busy around here, with the kids, running, yoga and figuring out my classes ... not to mention the challenge of integrating everything I learned at Yandara into my "householder" life! 

Being at Yandara was a gift in so many ways.  I learned so much about listening to my own body, and understanding what it means to do so.  It was important to me to use my special time at Yandara to truly get a taste of Yoga, or Union.  For me, the way to Union was through meditation, and I was given plenty of opportunity to get there.  Sitting on the floor almost all day was difficult during those first few days, but once I got used to it, I was able to really feel that silence during meditation.  Something happens when you tell your body what it must do, and that there is no way out of it.  Over time, your body begins to either accept the discomfort, or it finds a way to be comfortable.  We were shown many different methods of meditation, pranayama and asana, and there were a number of things I had not experienced before.  Kate and Shane have experienced so many different ways of practicing Yoga, and listening to their background stories was inspiring.  They were both very honest with us about the practices, which I greatly appreciated.  Kate had said, many times, that because we would only be together for a short time, they were trying to offer us absolutely everything that they had. 

Some of those lessons are still sinking in, and some of them are ingrained already.

Yandara is very near to the ocean.  It was only a few minutes to walk to it from my tent, and there were some mornings that the waves were crashing so loud it was like a thunderstorm overhead.  Except during the full moon.  The ocean was completely calm then.  There were many mornings towards the end of the training that I awoke at 4:00am, not able to fall asleep again for the waves were calling me.  I would walk to the beach in the dark and just feel myself being there.  On one night, in particular, the moon overhead was hidden by strange black clouds, and as they shifted the water would change ... from inky darkness to a shimmering black and silver liquid.  The moonlight spilling herself onto the great expanse of water.  And me, absorbing that feeling, knowing that I would have to go home soon.  I like to think that the feeling will be reserved inside of me for all of my life, waiting for me to draw upon it. 

You could see the ocean from the main pavilion, where we spent most of our time.  Some mornings we could see whales making morning rounds.  There were always birds chirping, and huge bees buzzing around.  And the cacti are unreal.  And all of this is part of Yandara's magic, because you see it and feel it more clearly.  My own personal sentiments about nature were amplified by Sarasvati, when we would do walking meditations on the beach.  She would remind us to allow nature to draw us into the present ....


The grounds were meticulously cared for, the food, as I have mentioned, was amazing, the bathrooms were clean, and the showers were always hot.  I only have one complaint, and that is:  I didn't want to ever leave!

If you have questions about anything about yoga teacher training, Yandara, yoga in general  please send me an email ~ I would love to correspond with you!

Sat Nam, Nicole

Yandara Yoga Institute ~ Review Part One

I recently had the great pleasure and honour to attend Yandara Yoga in Todos Santos, Baja Mexico for their 16-day training.  Where do I begin to explain how wonderful my experience was?  I suppose I should start … from the start!  We arrived just before dinner, and had a brief orientation before choosing our new homes ~ good-sized tents that were placed mindfully around the property.  They had a firm single bed, a little nightstand, and a small lamp.  It was a lovely little haven to return to each night.  We had a quick dinner, vegetarian and absolutely delicious.  Then it was time for Satsang … All the instructors were there:  Craig, Allison, Sarasvati, Shane Christopher, Kate, Amber and Shawna.  They gave us a brief orientation and all introduced themselves.  Then it was time for kirtan!  We sang mantra and kirtan, and I was fully in my element.  The band Jaya will come nearly every night to lead the group in kirtan ~ this I am so incredibly excited about.

 

One thing I loved about being at Yandara for those 16 days was the mindful living.  They run on solar power, so every time I turned on that little lamp, I felt a connection to the sun and a deep welling of gratitude.  They have composting toilets, so all paper waste goes into a garbage bin.  I found myself just noticing how much paper we were using.  We all got to choose a karma yoga task ~ Susie and I chose boiling hot water for tea before class.  Karma yoga is meant to be performed by devoting the actions to someone in need, or to the group, or to the Universal Divine.  One performs a job very well when it is done in the name of someone else.  Each movement becomes mindful … meaningful. 

 

After that first day, everything truly is a blur.  The program is structured very carefully so that students can learn as much as possible, and no moment is wasted.  The first week, for me, was all about personal growth.  Our instructors, Sarasvati, Kate and Shane Christopher got us diving into all things yoga immediately.  I remember how tough Kate’s first asana class was, but how it completely took my headache away, and how much lighter I felt after we were done.  Shane Christopher seemed to have a mission to help us to shed the layers that were no longer serving us with meditation and movement.  And Sarasvati was so fully present with an unconditional loving, embracing and compassionate energy.  She truly is amazing.  The three of them together were a powerhouse of information, with deep personal experience to draw on.  I could feel the wisdom in the room.  I will go more into detail with all of this later, of course!

 

It definitely took a few days for everyone to get settled into the routine.  The schedule was packed every day:

6:30am – 9:00am Pranayama or Asana & Meditation

Every other day we had Discourse (philosophy) with Shane Christopher – which I loved!

9 – 9:30am Breakfast in Silence

9:30 – 12:30 Asana Breakdown (including Assists)

12:30 – 2:00pm Lunch

2:00- 4:00pm Teaching Practice

4:15 – 6:00pm  Asana Class / Satya Circle  (alternating)

6:00 – 7:30pm Dinner

7:30 – 9:15pm Satsang

 

I will get more into the details of my experience over the next few weeks ~ I have so much to share about this once in a lifetime opportunity!

 

Sending you love ~ Nicole

And That’s The Way the Universe Works

In my last post, I wrote about how the yoga teacher training in Prince George was cancelled.  I tried desperately to make sense of the situation, but moreover, I tried my hardest to have faith.  You hear that all the time, about faith.  But when it is your turn to strain your eyes for some glimpse of light, when stranded in those vast, dark spaces, it feels incredibly difficult.  For weeks after I got the news I pored over “Yoga teacher training” searches on Google.  I didn’t feel desperate, I was just searching methodically for something that would match my needs.  One day, after I’d given up hope of finding anything in the next three months, I casually stumbled across Yandara Yoga Institute.  They conduct their teacher trainings in Baja, Mexico, and because of that, I nearly dismissed it … but for some reason I couldn’t dismiss it.  As I started looking at the information, I realized that this might just be the right fit for me!  The first synchronicity was that it was exactly the same price as the first training I was going to take – but this included meals!  Of course, I would have to pay for my plane ticket … which looked like it could be very reasonable …  Everything began to fall into place.  My husband okayed it, my mom said she could come for the 2 1/2 weeks to watch the kids, we happen to have almost all the money for the trip … No Obstacles. 

This year, for me, has been all about obstacles, delays, pushing through doubt and uncertainty, and claiming a new strength.  I know that I have been undergoing a long transition, which possibly began when I moved to Quesnel ~ Nearly six years in the making.  For a long time, I have spoken to myself in unkind ways, telling myself that I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not smart enough. Thinking that I wasn’t a good enough mother. Believing that I could never run 15 kilometres, let alone 50 kilometres.  ~ Having faith in the myths of my mind ~  Granted, most of these comments were subconscious, something much hard to monitor than the blatant words of our conscious minds. 

As I have been meditating every day for the last several months, I have come to truly appreciate that silence.  As I prepare to embark on this new journey, I am setting intentions to come back with a new balance in my life.  I don’t know exactly what is waiting for me in Mexico, but I will find out in less than a week!

A Quest for Real Change

In a recent and surprising turn of events, I have decided to try and turn my life into something different than it is now.  I suppose I will be trying to change who I have come to be, in a sense.  Several months ago, I discovered an opportunity to realize a decade-old dream of mine ~ to become a Certified Yoga Teacher.  There was a two-week immersion being offered in Prince George this November, and I signed up for it very quickly.  Everything was falling into place – I asked my yoga teacher to become a Yoga Alliance/SOYA member so she would be able to approve my hours.  I asked my mom if she would be able to come and look after my family while I was away, and she agreed.  I got the books and I began a new routine.  I wake up at 5:30am, meditate and then study yoga for at least 45 minutes before the kids wake up.  This routine has become very comfortable for me, and I actually look forward to this Sattwic time in the very early morning.

The other day, I received unfortunate news … the Yoga Teacher Training was being cancelled due to low numbers.  At first I was very frustrated and sad.  I questioned whether or not I was meant to become a yoga teacher.  This whole situation reeked of my theme this year:  Obstacles.  I felt incredibly upset, misguided by my intuition, which is normally bang on …  And out of this short depression, I began to search for other teacher trainings.  Let me tell you, there are many, many options available in BC alone!  But as I began to search, I realized that I wanted the real thing … During these last few months I have truly begun to enjoy the new habits and routines I am creating for myself.  By carving out time for myself to meditate and do yoga, I have never felt as good as I have today.  My husband and I have even made the choice to eat mostly vegetarian meals … and I have felt such a difference in my energy levels.
Anyhow, during these realizations, I came across the Sivananda Ashram Yoga Camp .  It was built in 1962 by Swami Vishnudevananda.  The teacher training they offer is a one month intensive program.  Every day there are 2 meditation sessions, 2 yoga classes, 2 lectures, and one hour of service to the ashram community.  One day a week is lecture free.  It sounds like a very intense month, but I feel like I could learn so much at this place.  There is a deep and beautiful wisdom in the spirituality of Yoga, and I yearn to immerse myself into this intensity.  I know that this is what I want to do, and I am willing to wait for it.  I am willing to "earn" it.

There does happen to be a teacher training available November 13th – December 10th, but I don’t believe this is a reality for me this year.  I do not expect my mom to be able to come for such a long time … not this year anyhow.  My rough plan for now is this:  I will take an oath to my own self to continue to wake before my family, meditate and study every book I can find on Yoga.  I will endeavour to live my life as a dedicated Yogi, amidst the unavoidable obstacles of doing so with two children, a husband and a household to look after.  In my life, I have too often jumped into things without being absolutely sure that I wanted them.  This plan, I assure you, is foolproof!  I yearn to be the kind of person who feels continually balanced in her emotions, with enough happiness and contentment to always accept and love others, and to have patience with those inevitable obstacles. 

Because I believe this is how we were all meant to feel.  I begin my journey today, two days before the Witches New year, Halloween.  If you have a moment, please sent me some supportive and loving energy … I think I’m going to need it!

My account of the Tenderfoot Boogie 50km Trail Race

Well, it is about time I wrote the imperfect account of the 50km trail run/race I participated in just a few weeks ago. The Tenderfoot Boogie. A lot of people have regarded me as some kind of hero for even considering running 50 kilometres, but honestly I don't see it that way. It is sad to say this, but I am being incredibly hard on myself for not crossing the finish line that day. I really did have this vision, these expectations, of how the run would go. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how much I was really challenging myself mentally, physically and emotionally.

I didn't have lofty goals as to how the run would go. No, my goals were pretty simple: Just to finish, with a smile on my face and no injuries. The first leg of the journey was fairly uneventful. I was feeling good, taking my gels and electrolytes every 30 minutes; Running smart. It was overcast, so not too warm. I kept with my strategy to start running at the back of the pack, so as to maintain my own pace, and not get swept up in the adrenaline of the start. The first part of the run was so incredibly beautiful, especially going up alongside the Cheakamus Canyon. The view was absolutely amazing. When I was nearing the top, I heard a load rumbling under my feet ... I looked to the train tracks not far below me, and there was a massive train heading into a tunnel bored into solid rock. I had such a great feeling of BC, of Squamish, at that point ~ a real rush of a long ago forgotten feeling from my childhood.

After the Chance Creek Bridge aid station, the run became much harder than I thought it would be. The terrain was quite difficult, and so technical in some parts that even though I felt good enough physically to run it, I just wasn't able to. The distance between aid stations felt like forever, and I ran out of water long before I reached each one. I even took a wrong turn onto the highway, and ended up running on the pavement for longer than I was supposed to, against the grain of that Whistler to Squamish Saturday morning traffic.

As I was running the highway, along with reams of vehicles, there were lots of cyclists going by me. I ran on the highway in the hot sun for much too long, and ran out of water and electrolytes well before I got to the Brandywine Falls aid station. But at one point, a man was cycling towards me, and I was feeling tired. As he approached he looked right at me and said "Keep going, you can DO this!" It uplifted me more than he could know ~ whomever you are, I thank you. The trails leading from Brandywine Falls to Whistler were a treat for me ... the size of the cedars blew me away. The feeling of this place was ancient and held secrets I would like to know about.

When I got to the Function Junction aid station, I was frustrated and upset and I felt so done. It took me an hour longer than I thought it would to get there. I crouched down when I did get there and just started to cry. My friend's husband was there and talked me through my moment. I said "It's just so hard". He replied "Well, yeah, that's what it's all about". And I remembered about what running is to me. It has become a spiritual quest to discover my self-imposed limitations. And to let those limitations go. When I said I was done, he didn't give me encouragement like "You can do it". He let me know what I was up against next, should I choose to continue. 1300 metres in elevation. 8 kilometres to the next aid station. 8 more kilometres after that and I would be crossing the finish line. I felt completely defeated, done, emotionally exhausted ... but I said to him "I feel done, but I also feel like I have more gas in the tank". Looking back, I'm not sure if that was even me talking. So after 8 hours of running, sweating, swearing and crying, I decided to take on a little more. I just wanted to do my best. "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift". This quote, one of the many I taped to my gels, made me stop and weep. And so, I began making my way up this massive hill ... I have never been on any trail that was so tough. It just kept going up .. higher and higher and higher. I was still trying to notice the little things ... bits of quartz here and there, tiny mushrooms, the light and the darkness in the forest, that beautiful old forest.

After a long while I was just putting one foot in front of the other. "Run when you can, walk if you have to", as a good friend had said. It was so automatic, and I realize now that under normal circumstances, I would have been very concerned about the fact that the orange and black ribbons marking the route were becoming less and less obvious. In fact, I'm certain that fifteen or twenty minutes went by between markers at some point. I believe now that there must have been an invisible hand guiding my way. I did not get lost. At the time, I did not feel guidance. At the time, I felt as though I were left utterly alone to face this pain ... the physical pain, yes, but the mental and emotional pain most definitely. I am incredibly hard on myself. I kept trying to run through the pain, and getting very angry when the feelings persisted. As if I could have run through it. As if I could have blocked it out. Running brings up some strange feelings at times, and when you are running, you are forced to deal with your issues. They do not go away, and they do not cease. For those who use running to run away ... it won't last forever. And the longer and the further you run, the more those issues will come up. At least, they have for me.

As I went on, there were increasingly more short downhills .... I was horrified when my right knee started to feel tighter and tighter with each down. It became so frustrating to have this beautiful hill that I could run down, but not be able to because that tightness turned into a clicking in the knee, and then to pain. I tried to stretch out my hamstring, my calf, my quad, I tried pointing my toes, flexing, opening my hips ... anything to release the feeling so that I could give 'er down these hills, but nothing was working. I was crying, frustrated, angry and disappointed. I could still run the flats and the uphills, so I did. And then I came to the crest of the uphill I was running. It was the longest downhill I have ever seen. I was horrified, and I started to cry, again. I walked down that hill. I was angry. All I wanted was to run down that hill. All I wanted was for someone to come and help me, but there was no one there but me. I realize now that I can be quite dependant on others to save my ass sometimes. The princess in the tower. This time, I had to rescue my own self. I finally made it to the bottom of this hill and saw a road ... "Wishful thinking, Nicole, the aid station's probably not even there". But it was!! I felt so incredibly relieved and happy ... I ran for ten hours, by myself. I faced some demons out there ... demons that I created, expectations that I had of myself. I know that I absolutely, unequivocally gave it my best. And I think I trust myself so much more than I did before.

I didn't encounter the oneness, the Divine or the wholeness that I thought I would find out there. But I encountered a truth about myself through this suffering. And I busted some great myths I had about life, and about myself.

I don't know what else to tell you.

Purpose

What if your only purpose on this earth was to spread love & joy?

What if you used every moment of your life to make this possible? I think for me to personally make this happen, I would need to always move from a state of love.

Yesterday I participated in the beginning of my transformative journey. I attended a Kundalini Yoga Light Shop at the Satya Yoga Studio in Williams Lake, BC. The light shop was led by Yogi Bhajan of Catalyst Yogi.

What I got out of HariBhajan's teachings were many ideas about living my life as my true spiritual self. I can hear my ego and my mind fighting against this shift, and I feel as though it may take some time to integrate the many things that I learned just yesterday. I truly believe that there is a shift happening in the world right now, and I would like to be a part of the light that can guide others into truth and happiness. We are all vehicles for the transformation that is happening right now. We all have a choice to live our lives with a sense of peace, brotherhood and love. You can choose to help others instead of helping only yourself, because in truth, that helpfulness is clearly recognized by the Universe. This infinite and vast place where anything is possible. There is nothing you cannot do!

As of today, I find myself needing to just slow down and pay attention to my inner dialogue, and to correct those thoughts that hinder me. Those inhibiting thoughts we all have ... those limits we place on ourselves .... "I could never run a marathon" ... "I am not ready to teach yoga" ..."I can't keep up with those other people" .. "I don't have enough money for the things I want" ... "I'm not thin enough to wear this or that" ... "I eat too many sweets" ...

Our minds DO create scenarios for us so that we become distracted from living our lives in peace. In order to remain relevant, our minds and egos are consistently creating reasons for us to spin our wheels and go nowhere. As long as we are caught up in some drama, we won't have time to focus on what is real and what is most important. We won't have time to spread joy & love to others because we will be spending that time on believing we aren't good enough to do it. I, for one, am not going to participate in this drama any longer. As of this moment, I am going to let go of fear and free myself to live my life in absolute truth. Yes, I deserve it, but you deserve it too.

What can you do in the next 24 hours to spread joy and love?

Ongoing Transformation

We are continually transforming, whether we are aware of the process or not. Sometimes a transformation takes place over a looong amount of time, and you didn't even know you were getting anywhere until the journey was through. It is not easy to be aware of your shortcomings, obstacles and negative patterns. In fact, it takes a lot of strength to be honest with yourself, and to face these destructive ways of being. But it hurts more to ignore the way you limit yourself. It hurts a lot to look back and see how we limited ourselves even as children. I catch myself saying things that limit my own children now. Sometimes I call myself on it right in front of them because they deserve to believe in their highest potential. I have actually said to them, "You know what, you shouldn't listen to what I just said. You can do anything you want to do". Aren't we here to reach for that highest potential?

I made a decision this winter that I am no longer going to limit myself with my thoughts and actions. It was a huge revelation for me to say this out loud, but I didn't know that this statement was going to be challenged. I just assumed that this declaration would be like all my other declarations: I believe in this new statement for a while, get really good at recognizing the pattern, and then drop it when my interest wanes. This time I don't have the opportunity to repeat myself. This time I actually must face my lifelong pattern of behaving weak and slow and not good enough. I am challenging these beliefs because I want to be strong. I want to rise up in all ways and seize this life I have always wanted to have. I want to be the person I have always wanted to be. This highest potential that I've denied myself for so long.

My vehicle for this transformation is my own two legs. I will be running a 50km ultra marathon, on the trail, in June. This is happening in my hometown of Squamish. I have also decided, after ten years of wanting it, to enroll in yoga teacher training this Fall. And I am so excited to be in this place!!!

Earth Mother

My feet are light and effortless,
the spirit of the Mother
floats me across her land
like a feather
up steep craggy hills
over roots that reach for me
there is no better place for me than
time spent with the Mother.
And when I ask what I can do
to honour this land of ours
I hear her whisper in reply .....
honour me in your heart

Honour Me
breathe my air
and walk my soil
drink my waters
and with all your soul
Honour Me

By Nicole Aracki

Pushy Wind and the Curiosity of Bluebirds

Marathon Training has been going really well. I am finding out how strong I really am, and I can see now why so many people have been cheering me on! Running has brought out in me so many gifts I never knew I could tap into. Yesterday I was running towards a fork in the road, and was trying to decide which way to go ... straight, up the hill that goes on forever? (I should be getting those hills in) ... or turn right and take the more meandering, undulating road? All of a sudden, I got vertigo and nearly fell into the ditch. I quickly realized that I hadn't actually felt dizzy at all ~ it felt more like someone pushed me. I have a sneaking suspicion that one of my guides actually did push me, in order to get my attention. After all, I did end up choosing the more meandering route, and was richly rewarded. It seemed that every animal along the route was unapologetic in their interest in my presence. The horses in one field began trotting alongside the fence behind me. There was a lone hawk trying to get my attention, but he was bombarded by a couple of territorial crows. The hawk showed up later in my run by soaring above me and landing in a tree, where I couldn't see him. As I peered up into the trees, looking, he flew out again to land on a tree where I could take a look at him. And the most curious and interesting sight: I was running alongside a pasture and noticed a flock of small birds to the right. They were flying up and down, altogether, and at first I thought they were waxwings, as I've seen them all winter. Then they landed on the fence and all I saw were dots of blue - there must have been twenty little bluebirds! As I ran towards them, they would fly off the fence, one at a time, and would land on the far end of the fence. They followed me for a few minutes, curiously observing me. Now, I have never actually seen a bluebird, and I was completely taken by these little blue wonders! I don't know what the next year holds for me, but these little birds, for me, are the mark of the many changes that have been happening deep within me. For all I know, those birds could have been some part of me, looking at my own self and marveling at tthe differences. I am finding an inner confidence, a mental strength I was so afraid was not even there, and a physical endurance I was petrified to even attempt to make my way towards. To me, those bluebirds represent Pride in my accomplishments. I am doing so many things that I never thought I would or could do. And I am so done with limiting myself. I am a vessel for unlimited potential, and I am ready to take on more challenges. And if I can do it - You can do it. Sending out love ~ Nicole

Earth Energy

With the season changing after a long, cold and sometimes brutal winter, my thoughts are turning to New Life. Now that I can finally see some grass in my yard, however brown it looks, I am beginning to fantasize about my garden. The excitement is building as we anticipate the little green shoots to start representing themselves. I planted about one hundred bulbs in my front garden - all naturalizing - and I can't wait to see how they multiply this year ... especially my darling daffodils, the sunny faces of Spring! There are, of course, other seeds that were planted last year as well. Seeds of thought, seeds of love, seeds of Intent. Those are the things that will grow as result of my thoughts and feelings during the colder months of the year. I have a great fondness for all four seasons, though you will catch me in the moment saying "Spring is my faaaavourite season", or Fall, or Winter, or Summer! It is because each season represents something that is happening deep in the earth, and also deep in our souls. We are inextricably connected to this earth and the waves of feeling that pass through it. When we connect to nature, we are connecting deeply to our own selves, and to all people who walk upon this earth as well. This common experience - walking upon the earth - is something that is easy to take for granted. It is your choice as to whether or not you acknowledge the gratitude of the earth for your presence. How do we honour the Earth in return? The answer is simple: We sit silently in reverence for it. We take the time to just Be in nature. There is something ancient and sacred about simply being quiet in and amongst the trees of a forest. There is something indisputably holy about sitting on top of a cliff or a hill overlooking a river, a forest, or the ocean. The peace that is there for you is immediate, and perfect. You can offer your energy and your blessings to the earth, and that is so worthy of your time. We all know that the earth is going through some vigorous change right now, and it seems to be in upheaval. It seems to be unbalanced. Is it possible that the earth is reflecting the state of mind of so many of us on this planet? Many many people are disconnected from the roots of survival - our land - and this is not something that can nourish us. It is interesting how a disaster can bring people together ... to mourn, to give attention to the planet, to bind ourselves to one another with true thoughts of peace, compassion and love. Perhaps this beautiful planet is crying out for this. Can we humans be proactive and start being more mindful and more deliberate with our actions? Honestly, I am not talking about recycling, green energy, hybrid vehicles, or anything else that perpetuates the myths of money in our society. I'm not trying to get you to "think green" or to feel guilty about the extra packaging on your favourite granola bars. My motivation is, and has always been, Energy. Sending out my love ~ Nicole

Finding One's Way

We all have a purpose on this earth. Maybe this is something that you've heard before, but never truly considered. What would it mean if you actually had specific things to accomplish, orchestrated right down to the minor details? What if there are things in your life that will keep coming up for you until you deal with them? You know the things I'm talking about - uncomfortable things, challenging things, seemingly impossible things. What if you were your only obstacle to obtaining a sense of true, lasting peace? What could this mean?

This has all been coming to light for me, personally, since I picked up "Sacred Contracts" by Carolyn Myss. I have always believed that I chose this life, the scenarios, the people, the challenges. I remember as a child reviewing the romantic relationships that I would have, being clear that the first love wouldn't be the only love, and knowing that there would be a truer love awaiting me. I also remember consciously choosing to forget my "contract" in order to fully live this human life.

This message of order was brought into clearer focus still when I attended a Women's Lodge with Dianne Tharp of Ayami International. We were asked to create a life's mission statement for ourselves. By focusing on what makes me ... me, it truly brought my whole philosophy about life into clearer focus. The things that I've always held as rules for myself are very important actions and lessons, and are a huge part of what I have to offer the world. My one governing rule is very simple, and was something I first learned from my mom: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." This is how Jesus worded it ... But when researching this very simple idea, I came across a beautiful plethora of quotes from all different religions:

Buddhism: "Hurt not others with that which pains yourself."

Judaism: "Thou shalt Love thy neighbor as thyself."

Hinduism: "One should always treat others as they themselves wish to be treated."

Zoroastrianism: "Whatever is disagreeable to yourself, do not do unto others."

Confucianism: "What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others."

Christianity: "Whatsoever ye would that others should do to you, do ye even so to them."

I certainly don't know what the rest of my life holds for me, but I do have a clearer focus on the direction I'd like to lead my life in. I want to be a person who helps others to feel positive, confident and peaceful. I want to live my life in a way that spreads joy and love to the world. Here is my personal life's mission statement:

I will be a confident role model and an inspiration to others. I will strive to connect others while enjoying the magic and the goodness of my connection to the Divine. "Harmonious Spontaneity".

All we can really do is to be more conscious in the way we decide to encounter our lives. Maybe that means taking the time to really consider our reactions to people, places and situations in our lives. Maybe that means setting an intention at the dawn of each day. These are all things that make life simpler, but perhaps this is the key to living a fulfilling life. All I know is that I am taking a vow today to be more mindful of my reactions. That is something I have control over.